How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
This is the splendid juxtaposition on the Newham Recorder's website this morning. "If he gets back to knuckling down and getting used to the discipline side of the game, then his talents are outstanding," said Sam Allardyce. So much for second chances.
"To be honest, if you are not the manager's cup of tea you can't do anything about it. There was nothing I could do. It was definitely not my attitude," whined Wilfried Zaha on why he wasn't given a chance by David Moyes.
Said Zaha on playing as a striker under Louis van Gaal: "To be honest, it's not as much running as being a winger, so I will take it."
If it had a heart, Mediawatch might feel sorry for Fernando Torres, who continues to be the recipient of journalists' ire during pre-season.
After receiving both barrels from Liverpool fan Brian Reade in the Daily Mirror last week, the Chelsea striker has now been hauled over hot coals by Mark Irwin in The Sun.
His crime? Not scoring in a meaningless friendly against Vitesse despite being paid a lot of money.
'Torres is no use whatsoever,' Irwin begins. 'Yet boss Jose Mourinho is stuck with the £50million misfit, who once again looked as though it was all just too much effort.
'Shoved out on the wing for most of the game, the Spaniard barely touched the ball and never threatened the Vitesse goal.
'Yet he will bank another £180,000 at the end of the week and still has two years left on his contract.'
Just do a few interviews every now and then, Fernando. They'll soon want to be your friends again.
'Sami Khedira Arsenal transfer edges closer as Real Madrid favour sale this summer' chirps the headline on the Daily Mirror's website.
What could this latest development be, we wonder? Has Khedira lowered the wage demands that the Mirror and every other paper reported were the sticking point to him joining Arsenal?
'The move looked dead in the water only a matter of weeks ago with indications suggesting the 27-year-old wanted upwards of £150,000 to join up,' report the Mirror.
'But reports in Spain now suggest a deal could be back on with Real Madrid apparently ready to sell this summer.'
Erm, so how does that solve the problem with his wage demands? Oh wait, it's a transfer rumour - it isn't supposed to make sense.
Said Roberto Martinez on his new signing Romelu Lukaku: "Rom is potentially the best choice in world football as a No9. Over the next few years you will see Rom develop into a special talent but he needs to keep working and developing and keep his standards. I'm excited to see how far Rom can take us and we can take Rom."
Mediawatch wonders if Lukaku has any nicknames.
New Everton signing Muhamed Besic isn't afraid of proving himself in the Premier League this season. No, siree. Not after he faced the likes of Lionel Messi at the World Cup.
'The 21-year-old was handed one of the toughest tasks in football when he made his full competitive debut for Bosnia at the World Cup,' report the Daily Star.
'But marking Barcelona ace Messi against Argentina didn't faze him and, even though Bosnia lost, Besic emerged with flying colours.
'Incredibly, Besic said: "I must be honest, it was not as difficult as I thought it would be."'
Sure, it didn't look much of a struggle. Certainly not in this video, which shows Besic colliding with a teammate as Messi dribbled past him to score Argentina's winning goal.
If the Daily Star comment that something you've said is 'incredible', you might want to choose your words more carefully.
"Personally I would probably go for Rooney," said Paul Scholes on the Manchester United captaincy. "He's always struck me as the type who could be a captain and now is the perfect time to give him the responsibility I know he is capable of taking. And the same goes for England."
Now is the perfect time, is it? We thought Rooney was already on the way down, Paul. Or at least he was in May: "There's a chance he's worn out. Wayne's peak may have been a lot younger than what we'd expect of footballers traditionally."
Is somebody trying to make friends again?
Transfer Guff #2
'LVG's Stef Woe' blasts The Sun's headline.
'Lazio gave Louis van Gaal a bloody nose last night by landing top Manchester United target Stefan de Vrij from Feyenoord.
'De Vrij, 22, sealed a £6.7million deal with the Rome club, scuppering Red Devils chief LvG, who was his boss during this summer's World Cup.'
Yes, that bloody nose is really going to hurt. Or perhaps if Van Gaal had actually wanted De Vrij he would have, y'know, signed him.
"Morgan feels hurt and angry," a source reportedly told the Daily Mirror amid rumours that Schneiderlin may decide to go on strike.
Of course he does, just as Wayne Rooney was "angry and confused" at Manchester United last summer, Gareth Bale was "unhappy and disappointed" with Andre Villas-Boas saying he wasn't for sale, and Luis Suarez was "unhappy and frustrated" at Liverpool's decision to reject a bid from Arsenal.
What is it with footballers, are they only capable of experiencing two emotions at once?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Arry: I'd Loic His Decision' - the Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A priest in Poland has been receiving angry text messages from the Devil. Father Marian Rajchel from Jaroslaw claims to have received several digital missives from The Prince of Darkness after performing a failed exorcism on a teenage girl.
'The Austrian Times reported that the girl's soul remains possessed by a demon, which in now firing off indignant texts to the elderly priest.
'According to the Mail, Rajchel said, "The author of these texts is an evil spirit who has possessed her soul," adding: "Often the owners of mobile phones are not even aware that they are being used like this, however in this case it is clear."
'Rajchel referred local news reporters to one of Satan's texts that read: "She will not come out of this hell. She's mine. Anyone who prays for her will die." After replying, Beelzebub responded by saying, "Shut up, preacher. You cannot save yourself. Idiot. You pathetic old preacher."' - huffingtonpost.co.uk.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Adrian Taylor, Ian Watson and Alex Stokoe. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.