How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
Said Jose Mourinho: "We want to have more English players in our squad which we are going to have in the future but in this moment we are still in the middle of this process."
English players signed by Chelsea since Mourinho's return: One.
English players that have left Chelsea in that period: 11.
If Chelsea are in the 'middle' of the process, then Mediawatch can claim to be steadily getting over the ex-Mrs Mediawatch, despite leaving her 27 voicemails yesterday.
If you're reading this Sharon, come home love. We promise not to talk about Custis on date night again.
The Premier League have announced plans to introduce vanishing spray from the start of the new season, but Jason Cundy is worried they haven't thought it through...
'WHAT IF IT GETS IN THE GOALKEEPER'S EYES??!' he frets on this video, as though top-flight refs are planning to unleash tear gas on a poor, unsuspecting Petr Cech.
Mediawatch particularly enjoyed the presenter's reaction: "What? That's extreme...it vanishes, within seconds."
Slight Difference Of Opinion
Confusion reigns over the identity of Juan Quintero's agent after the Porto youngster was linked with a move Arsenal.
The Daily Mail report: 'Arsenal are about to sign Porto's Colombia midfielder Juan Quintero for £15.8m, according to his agent.
'Quintero's agent Maria Elena Chavarro said a fee has been agreed and that the 21-year-old midfielder was on a flight from Bogota to London last night.'
However, the Daily Express have a different take on things, and a different name for Quintero's representative: 'According to the player's agent Ricardo Calleri, Porto have received no offers for their coveted attacking midfielder, but conceded they would sell if a team meets his astronomical valuation.
'Calleri said: "Porto never talked to negotiate Juan Quintero. There are clubs interested, there is much interest in the player, the clubs in Spain and England, but to leave would be one willing to pay the termination clause of the club."'
So Quintero is/isn't on his way to Arsenal for a £15.8m/£32m fee, according to Maria Elena Chavarro/Ricardo Calleri.
It's good to know that you can still rely on the media to provide accurate, consistent information.
Despite Nemanja Matic giving Riath Al-Samarrai and Sami Mokbel a big clue about his age, the Daily Mail duo still manage to make a cock of things in their Chelsea report.
'Nemanja Matic believes he can play a full role in Chelsea's title push this season,' begins the story.
'Matic, who rejoined the club in January said: "Now I'm 26 and it's different. I played for a big club like Benfica and I am very happy because the coach believed in my quality enough to bring me back."'
The article continues: 'Matic, 25, scored in Chelsea's 3-1 pre-season defeat of Vitesse Arnhem on Wednesday.'
Top work, chaps. Sterling effort all round.
For no reason other than its own childish amusement, Mediawatch would like to include this paragraph from the Daily Mirror without context:
'The cameras pick up everything, including a player's positioning and facial expression, so Van Gaal can see who is comfortable and who is struggling.'
Following Steven Gerrard's fairly innocuous quotes on Thursday that Luis Suarez was 'too good' to join Arsenal last summer, the Daily Mirror list '10 reasons Arsenal fans can ignore Gerrard and be glad they didn't sign Luis Suarez'.
Rather than go through the full list, Mediawatch has chosen just a few examples of the Mirror's spectacular straw-clutching:
* 'A good way to waste £40m +£1: Regardless of how good at football he is, Suarez can't do a lot to help your team if he isn't allowed anywhere near the squad. Suarez is banned from partaking in any football related activity until October, meaning he'd miss at least the first eight of Arsenal's new season including crucial games against the likes of Manchester City and Spurs.'
That would have been relevant if the Gunners had tried to sign Suarez this summer but, as Gerrard was talking about last year, it's about as much use as a fart in a spacesuit.
* 'The Ozil effect: Granted Suarez bagged a lot of goals last season but Ozil offered a far more sophisticated attribute to Arsene Wenger's starting eleven. Ozil has the ability to raise the overall level of play across the pitch with his quick movement and intelligent passing. Wilshere, Ramsey, Oxlade-Chamberlain and even Flamini to some extent have all benefited from having Ozil around them. Not to mention he was Arsenal's most creative midfielder and managed nine assists in the Premier League, more than any other in his side.'
Suarez provided 12 assists. Plus 31 goals as Liverpool came within one victory of winning the title. So much for 'sophistication'.
* 'It's all about winning: Liverpool trophies won last season with Suarez = 0. Arsenal trophies won last season without Suarez = 1'.
Would Arsenal have been less likely to win the FA Cup had they signed Suarez? Of course not. Would they have had a better chance of winning the Premier League with a 31-goal striker? Undoubtedly.
Suarez might bring a whole tonne of baggage, but Mediawatch suspects even the most one-eyed Arsenal fan would acknowledge that the Gunners would have been stronger with him in the side. Frankly, it's absurd to pretend otherwise.
Good Plan, Batman
Said Gerard Pique on new teammate Luis Suarez: "I expect that he, like anybody who has the possibility of having their work taken away from them, will be feeling rage. When he returns he will be full of desire to show that he is one of the best forwards on the planet."
Yes, because angry Suarez is always a good idea.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
'The Whitecaps' record is looking like a fashion hoarder's closet, ties piled up to the ceiling. Whether it's one point gained or two points lost depends on the week and the observer, but there's no question the collection has become worrisome' - Canadian newspaper The Province has left Mediawatch feeling nauseous.
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'United Are Humm-ing' - the Daily Mirror.
'Trouble At Miln' - The Sun.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'6ft tall meat thief makes getaway...on girl's pink bicycle' - The Yorkshire Evening Post.
'40 Men in Ape Suits to Scare Monkeys Away From Parliament' - ndtv.com
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'New Delhi: Forty trained men are scaring away monkeys from the parliament premises by posing as langurs, Parliamentary Affairs Minister Venkaiah Naidu said on Thursday.
'"The New Delhi Municipal Council (NDMC) has hired 40 young people for this purpose," Mr Naidu said in parliament.
'Rubber bullets are also being used to tackle the monkey menace, Mr Naidu informed.
'To deal with the problem of stray dogs, a team of dog catchers visits Parliament House and its surrounding areas twice a week' - ndtv.com
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Venkatesh Vaidyanathan, James Wilton and Jonathan Hughes. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.