How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
Friendly Failure (Part One)
Google the words 'Courtois save Werder' and your search will unearth a myriad of videos, vines and gifs in which Thibaut Courtois' save to deny Franco di Santo in Sunday's friendly is variously described as 'impressive', 'stunning', 'excellent' and 'amazing'. The Metro even use the phrase 'wonder-save'.
In contrast, the headline in the Daily Mail, who successfully counted the number of goals conceded by the Belgian, reads: 'Courtois fails first audition to be No 1.'
Send him back to Madrid; he's s**t.
Friendly Failure (Part Two)
You may well have watched Arsenal's defeat to Monaco and Sunday and thought that new signing Alexis Sanchez showed pace, invention and no little trickery when playing as a winger and then looked dangerous in the second half when he played through the middle.
The headline in the Daily Express? 'Gunner Sanchez left firing blanks.'
Send him back to Barcelona; he's s**t.
Another Fine Mes
Given the Daily Mail's bizarre obsession with Mesut Ozil (the headline for their online report of Germany's 7-1 destruction of Brazil in the World Cup was 'Mesul Ozil barely registers an important kick as Germany destroy hosts Brazil 7-1 in World Cup semi-final'), Mediawatch was amused to read Sami Mokbel in the Mail claim that 'this will be the season we see the real Ozil', rather than that pretend Ozil who only claimed nine Premier League assists and created more chances per game than any other player barring David Silva last season, presumably.
Mokbel also tells us soberly that Arsenal fans should be worried about 'the lack of an alternative to Giroud', after a weekend when Yaya Sonogo scored four goals, Joel Campbell scored once and Alexis Sanchez was rather good through the middle for 45 minutes against Monaco (though he did 'fire blanks'). The fans must be truly petrified.
Other highlights of the Daily Mail's 'SHIPSHAPE OR OUT OF SHAPE?' pre-season feature include...
* The prediction that Joe Cole 'could sparkle again'. By Mediawatch's calculations, Cole last 'sparkled' six years ago.
* The suggestion that Chelsea fans 'should be optimistic' because Jose Mourinho has not won a trophy in two years.
* The self-absorption of a reporter suggesting that newly promoted manager Nigel Pearson's 'one wish' this season would be that 'reporters finesse every question'.
* The idea that we should be 'surprised' by the performances of the £20m Lazar Markovic.
* The nomination of Jonny Evans as potentially 'United's most reliable defender'...'if he can stay fit'. So to re-cap: if Evans is reliable, he will be the most reliable defender amongst three notoriously unreliable defenders.
* The suggestion - exactly one paragraph later - that United 'need a truly dominant central defender'.
* The contention that Newcastle need 'another striker'; they've just bought three.
* The suggestion that Stoke fans should be worried because 'a few of the old guard won't be automatic starters'. The 'old guard' like Robert Huth? He started 12 league games last season.
* The nomination of French international striker Bafetimbi Gomis as Swansea's potential 'surprise' package.
* The idea that West Brom are in 'relatively good nick' after the 'statement signing' of Joleon Lescott.
Other than all that, it's an invaluable and insightful pre-season guide. Buy your copy today.
Tweet Of The Day
From Manchester City FC: 'CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN: James tells us that @JoleonLescott's departure leaves a gap in the dressing room fashion-wise.'
Ah, so it was a fashion statement signing...
'Amusing' Intro Of The Day
From the never-less-than-amused-by-himself Mike Walters in the Daily Mirror: 'ARSENE WENGER sounded the alarm - and it was not about Arsenal going 78 days without a trophy.'
How It Works At Chelsea
December 2013, Oriol Romeu, when on loan at Valencia: "Chelsea scouters told me recently that there are not many players in my position and that if I have a good season they will want me back next year."
July 2014: Romeu signs new three-year deal at Chelsea.
August 2014: Romeu joins Stuttgart on loan.
Frank Lampard, May 2013: "I can't imagine playing for anyone else after being 12 years at Chelsea. I've got a lot of respect for a lot of other Premier League clubs, particularly the top ones, but I'm not sure I could have done that."
All he had to do was open his mind.
Phone A Friend
"I spoke to my friend Fabricio Coloccini, and when he told me about the club, I didn't need to think twice," said new Newcastle signing Facundo Ferreyra this weekend.
Mediawatch wonders whether Coloccini mentioned that, by his own admission, he did 'everything he could' to leave this great club in January 2013 and then said in November: "I'd like to return home as early as I possibly can."
Mediawatch suspects not.
Brendan Rodgers Quote Of The Day
"One of my strengths is to communicate upwards."
And sideways, Brendan. Don't forget sideways.
Headline Of The Day
'More the Ferreyra' - We like this from The Sun. Shoot us.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Weng raps Lamps deal' - The Sun. Wrong on so many levels.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A suspected thief was reportedly caught after he decided to make crab cakes at the restaurant he broke into. Most burglars want to get out as quick as possible, but Stephen L. Quinn was apparently more interested in satisfying his urge for the fishy treat. While reportedly in the middle of preparing the dish at Delaware's Planet X Cafe on Thursday, police burst in following a tip off.
'The 41-year-old had also apparently put aside some stolen alcohol and was seemingly readying himself for a sit down meal. Quinn attempted to make a dash for freedom but was quickly apprehended, according to police' - Metro.
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