How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
Frankly, He's Missed The Point
Mick Dennis uses his column in the Daily Express to tackle the possible Financial Fair Play implications of Frank Lampard's loan move to Manchester City, with confusing results.
'Arsene Whinger began the new campaign as he will doubtless continue - moaning about Manchester City circumventing financial fair play regulations,' Dennis opines. We can't quite believe that a national newspaper columnist would resort to changing a surname in an attempt at humour, but still, the point stands. We're surprised he didn't say Manchester Sh**ty too, just for the bantz.
'Of course it's bending the financial fair play rules,' Dennis continues. 'New York City and Manchester City are both owned by Sheikh Mansour.' Oh, so they are breaking the rules? But we thought Wenger was just 'whinging'?
'But Arsenal took Thierry Henry temporary deal in 2012 and nobody bleated.'
No Mick, but that's probably because neither Stan Kroenke or Alisher Usmanov own the New York Red Bulls. Which is entirely the point.
Wenger is not whinging (and in fact Mediawatch should point out that he didn't even whinge at all) about Manchester City completing any loan deal, merely that owning both the loaner and loanee clubs potentially allows for favourable terms to be offered, to the benefit of City in this case. Something that City entirely deny.
So, Arsene Wenger should stop moaning, but City have broken the rules, but that's okay because Arsenal did the same, apart from the fact that their situation was completely different. Glad that's clear.
Most of Liverpool's pre-season tour of America has been played out at rather unsociable hours for their English supporters. Thankfully, the Daily Mail website has the detailed lowdown on their performances, with Chris Wheeler's 'Five Things We Learned' from the tour.
So what extraordinary insight was gleaned from the club's 16-day, five-match trip? We'll save you the bother:
1. Raheem Sterling is an exciting young talent.
2. Philippe Coutinho is an exciting young talent.
3. Liverpool could do with another striker with Daniel Sturridge and Fabio Borini injured.
4. Pepe Reina looks to be out of favour at Anfield.
5. Jordan Ibe is an exciting young talent.
Thanks. For. That.
Odd One Out
Top marks to the Metro this morning for their feature on 'Five Stale England Prospects'. We'll allow them Scott Sinclair, Micah Richards, Martin Kelly and Wilfried Zaha, but we're certainly not letting Victor Moses slip through. Largely because he's not an 'England prospect'.
Moses was first called up to the Nigeria squad as far back as January 14 2011, when he had started just three Premier League games for Wigan, and his application to FIFA to switch nationalities was accepted in November 2011 (when he still had fewer than 20 Premier League starts at Wigan). Mediawatch isn't quite sure how 'fading after a bright start during on loan (sic) at Liverpool' has scuppered his England chances.
'Moses still has much to prove if he can secure a move,' the Metro conclude. And a change of nationality, of course.
'You sold them on the cheap! Stuart Pearce slams Forest sales of Lascelles and Darlow to Newcastle against his wishes,' shouts the fairly wordy headline on the Daily Mail website, a story that they label as a 'LAURA WILLIAMSON EXCLUSIVE'.
Mediawatch is trying to work out which part of the story is a 'LAURA WILLIAMSON EXCLUSIVE', given that the quotes are taken from Pearce's interview with BBC Radio Nottingham on Monday evening.
Can filler paragraphs now be labelled as 'exclusive'?
On The Edge Of Glory
'Steve Bruce is backing supersubs Robert Snodgrass and Tom Ince to fire Hull to Euro glory' was an introduction in The Sun that made Mediawatch do a double take. Glory? As in win the thing? Sheesh, that seems a bit ballsy to us.
Actual quotes from Bruce: "I named them in the subs as it was only fair to give the boys who got us there a chance in our European debut. When I brought Snoddy and Incey [Mediawatch hugely enjoyed the nickname innovation] they had a real impact.
"They certainly did enough to suggest a start in the second leg."
So, manager says best players might well start Europa League qualifying match. Glory days.
Standing Ovation Of The Day
Mediawatch would like to applaud Steven Naismith for his decision to spend his own money buying Everton tickets for unemployed fans in Liverpool.
Partly because it is a pretty generous and heart-warming gesture, and partly because it forced the Daily Mail to write the words 'unemployed through no fault of their own' on their back page. *Applauds*
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Louis Van Cull' - The Daily Mail scrape the name-changing barrel.
Runner-Up: 'Glen's Lu-King Up' - The Sun's take on Glen Johnson saying Liverpool won't miss Luis Suarez. We sighed.
Non-Football Uplifting Charity Story Of The Day
'A church in Los Angeles has pressed charges against a homeless man who was caught stealing around $2.25 worth of cookies from the First Baptist Church of Royal Palm Beach.
'According to a report in the Palm Beach Post, the homeless man had been looking for assistance from the church when he entered the building and found the unguarded cookie jar.
'After beginning to tuck into the church's cookies, the man was greeted by the church's cleaner. On finding the homeless man, the startled cleaner called the police. After discussions between police and church members, it was decided that the church would press charges.
'The homeless man was then arrested and taken into police custody' - The Independent
Thanks to Chris Smith, Bobbie A and Matt W. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.