Brendan Rodgers is the best thing since sliced bread, says Brendan Rodgers. We really are getting tired of his nonsense...
Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
'CAPTAIN ROO' chirps the headline on the back page of the Daily Mail. 'Louis eyes Wayne to lead United.'
Well, we guess that's finally sorted. It's not as though the Mail have had a different take on who'll captain United almost every week throughout the summer.
Oh, hang on a second...
'Louis van Gaal sees Robin van Persie as perfect captain for Manchester United' - May 18.
'Robin van Persie will be Louis van Gaal's captain at Manchester United, says club legend Bryan Robson' - July 20.
'Wayne Rooney should become Manchester United's new captain...but Robin van Persie will get the armband, says Paul Scholes' - July 30.
'Manchester United captaincy race is between Robin van Persie, Wayne Rooney, Jonny Evans and Darren Fletcher' - August 1.
Is it really so important that it requires all this speculation? Don't worry, folks, Van Gaal will make his decision eventually.
How's That Going?
It takes a lot for Mediawatch to feel sorry for someone who carries around a 'Beanie Horse' as a mascot, but Stuart Pearce has gained our sympathy during a rough week at Nottingham Forest.
Pearce was quoted in the Sunday Times as saying: "The owners have been fantastically supportive to me. They've been to their word. There have been a lot of positives but there is a lot of hard work in front of us."
But it's clear the mood has changed as Pearce said on Tuesday: "I am not prepared to fluff things when it comes to what was said and done behind the scenes. Two players were sold against my will. It disappointed me. If it was my money, the boys would not have been sold."
It looks like Beanie Horse still isn't bringing much luck.
Headline in the Daily Mail: 'MailOnline TODAY: The Wenger talent drain...As Bacary Sagna becomes the sixth star to leave Arsenal for Manchester, has Arsene Wenger been right to allow so much talent leave the Emirates for his rivals?'
1) Arsenal didn't choose to allow Sagna to join City. They offered him a new contract but he decided to leave on a free transfer.
2) Sagna's move was announced on June 12. Why has it taken almost eight weeks for the Mail to cotton on?
Said Barcelona president Josep Maria Bartomeu: "He apologized. That's very important for us. That means he knows that he did not do things properly - and of course, coming to our city, coming to our club, there's going to be a way of managing Luis Suarez, because at Liverpool he was a perfect player."
Ignoring the frankly ludicrous suggestion that Suarez was a 'perfect player' at Liverpool, does Bartomeu not remember how difficult it was to strain an apology out of the striker?
"These situations happen on the field. I had contact with his shoulder, nothing more. Things like that happen all the time," said Suarez immediately after biting Giorgio Chiellini.
And again a week later, after having time to reflect on his latest indiscretion: "In no way it happened how you have described, as a bite or intent to bite. After the impact I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent. At that moment I hit my face against the player leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth."
But of course, he's finally apologised so it's all okay. Nothing to see here.
'Barca had nibble at Suarez before Brazil' blasts the headline on the back page of the Daily Mirror.
What's that? Barcelona flagrantly disobeying the practically extinct tapping up rules? The same Barcelona whose motto is 'More Than A Club'? The Barcelona who were so courteous in their patient pursuit of Cesc Fabregas?
Well colour Mediawatch surprised.
Normally Mediawatch wouldn't poke fun at the more banal quotes of footballers, seeing as they all say pretty much the same thing in every interview. But Tom Cleverley has provided such an astonishing example of speaking in platitudes that it merits inclusion.
"I've got to use last season as a learning curve," said Cleverley of recent criticism. "It makes you develop a thicker skin. You've got to take it on the chin. Yeah, I got a bit of stick. It hurts when it comes from your fans but I won't dwell on it."
Learning curve, tick. Developing a thick skin, tick. Taking it on the chin, tick. Refusing to dwell on it, tick. Mediawatch just called 'house' in footballer cliche bingo.
"You don't see what we've got too often in the Premier League and it's a massive part of our togetherness," said Hull's Jake Livermore. "We have got a British squad and it's terrific to be a part of it."
Number of Brits in Hull's squad: 13
Number of non-Brits: 13
Someone tell UKIP.
Worst Headline Of The Day'
MEN UTD' - The Sun.
Poll Of The Day
'Do men in Stoke-on-Trent still have the longest manhoods in the UK?' - The Sentinel.
My, my, MY, Delilah.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Fugitive British drug baron and ostrich farm fraudster caught in South Africa' - the Guardian.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Authorities say a New York woman who crashed her car into a Long Island fire house was found to be in possession of marijuana - and a stolen snake wrapped around her neck.
'Nassau County police say Sarah Espinosa, of Albany, was driving west on Jericho Turnpike on Monday when she crossed the center median and struck a vehicle. They say she continued through the front door of the New Hyde Park fire house and collided with two fire trucks.
'Fire personnel rushed to her aid and were surprised to find a small ball python around her neck. Authorities say the snake had been stolen from a nearby pet store shortly before the accident.
'Espinosa faces charges including reckless endangerment and driving while intoxicated' - ksat.com
Thanks to Brendan MacCarron, Luke Jacobs and Pete Starr. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.