Brendan Rodgers is the best thing since sliced bread, says Brendan Rodgers. We really are getting tired of his nonsense...
Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
Hard To Handle
"We proved last season that we can handle the pressure of a title run-in," says Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers who, unless we are very much mistaken, did not actually win the title last season. So what about those matches against Chelsea and Crystal Palace where you dropped points in the last three games, Brendan?
"I know people will point to the Chelsea and Crystal Palace games (well, yes - Mediawatch), but they should look instead at our last 14 games."
So you handled the pressure of a title run-in right up until the point when you didn't? Excellent. Fabulous. Give them the title now.
When no 2) is 'Gerrard is committed to Liverpool', you get the idea that the MailOnline are struggling to come up with 'ten things we learned this weekend'.
Apparently Gerrard showed his commitment as follows: 'At 34 he was one of only four outfield players to go through all 90 minutes of yesterday's 4-0 friendly win over German giants Borussia Dortmund.'
Wow. It's almost like the season starts in a week and Gerrard, as captain, is an absolute certainty to play.
Hide And Seek
Of the Daily Mail's 'ten hidden gems ready to sparkle'...
Nine have international caps (totalling 125).
Three cost over £10m.
Two played at the World Cup.
One has won three La Liga titles and two Champions Leagues.
Bojan? Who? Never heard of him.
'ROY HODGSON returned to work this weekend and, when he first sat down, he must have wondered why he had bothered,' writes Mark Irwin in The Sun.
'Forty-seven days after England's miserable departure from the World Cup, just three players available to Three Lions boss Hodgson made the starting line-up for a game that is supposed to usher in a bright new season.
'Fortunately for Hodgson, one of that trio facing Manchester City today (schoolboy error, there - Mediawatch) was Jack Wilshere. And the Arsenal enigma proved worth the trip to Wembley on his own.'
Except, well, Hodgson did not actually make it to Wembley at all, Mark. He got stuck in traffic for three hours and eventually went home and watched on TV. Still think that intro works?
England, My England
For the record, there were ten Englishmen who started last year's Community Shield. Which of course helped Hodgson tremendously when the World Cup came around.
Mediawatch is not sure that Alan Shearer can really claim he was 'proved right' (as he does today in The Sun) with his prediction that Arsenal would not challenge for the title last season; after all, he actually claimed Chelsea would win the Premier League with Manchester United challenging and pushing them all the way - 'as Manchester United always are'.
But he's right - he didn't tip Arsenal. File under 'incredibly small victories'.
Alan Shearer's 'exclusive' column in The Sun is headlined 'City showing danger signs...and not for the first time' as he opines that City could struggle to retain their title, just as they did after their Premier League triumph of 2012. And what's given him this idea? Their performance in a glorified friendly with a makeshift defence, of course.
'When Manchester City won the Premier League in 2012 they could not sustain it - and finished 11 points behind Manchester United the following season,' 'writes' Shearer.
'And if they perform like they did in the Community Shield at Wembley yesterday, the 2014 champions could go the same way again.'
Mediawatch takes no pleasure (okay, maybe a little) in reminding Alan - and indeed all of you - that City won the Community Shield in 2012. It's almost like it means absolutely f*** all.
Thanks to Martin Keown in the Daily Mail, we now know that Manchester City missed Vincent Kompany. You simply cannot buy that level of expertise. Oh, wait a minute, you can. They've been robbed.
You Can Thank Me Al
Former Aston Villa boss Alex McLeish - bizarrely out of work - claims he brought down the wage bill considerably at the Midlands club, saying in the Daily Mirror: "In the season I was there we got the wages down pretty substantially but no fan is ever going to thank the manager for saving money."
You're right. You get no thanks at all. Expecially when you give a five-year £60,000-a-week contract to the 35-year-old Shay Given, a £40,000-a-week deal to Alan Hutton and £65,000 a week to Charles N'Zogbia - all of which are still on the Villa books.
Altogether now, Villa fans: Thank you Alex.
Presented without comment from John Inverdale in City AM:
'You just can't wait for the prima donnas. But for a touch of reality and honesty, you can rely on Harry.'
From MailOnline: 'Van Gaal wields his axe as SEVEN stars are told they can leave after showdown talks...but Kagawa is in Manchester United's plans.'
The stars? Marouane Fellaini, Javier Hernandez, Anderson, Wilfried Zaha, Nani, Rafael and, erm, Will Keane.
Headline Of The Day
'TROY STORY 2' - The Daily Mirror on Watford's second promotion push with Troy Deeney/Matej Vydra.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'WENGER IS IN BUSINESS' - Daily Star. And crucially the 'BUS' is in red, because trophies are like buses, you see. Lordy.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Chinese man has suffered a lucky escape after a knife fell from the sky and landed in the top of his head. Xiao Yunzhi, 57, was out for a walk in his hometown of Guangyuan, Sichaun Province, before a five-inch kitchen knife fell from the top of a high-rise apartment block. Even more unbelievably, Mr Xiao did not immediately notice the impact, despite reporting that his head started to feel heavy.
'However, as soon as the problem was pointed out by the astonished local tobacconist, pain rushed though Mr Xiao's body as bemused onlookers called for an ambulance. He was still being treated by local intensive care on Monday after the knife which was lodged in his head was finally removed' - The Daily Mirror.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Heath. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.