How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
A Lawro Lawro Joy
Forget whimsical talk of freshly cut grass, the clatter of the turnstiles and the visceral roar of the crowd, the new season means just one glorious thing to Mediawatch: The return of Lawro's predictions on the BBC.
And he does not disappoint. Indulge us with a few highlights...
* 'Credit to Van Gaal, because he has spotted straight away that Robin van Persie and Wayne Rooney, playing up through the middle and off each other, is a win-win situation that gets the best out of both of his best players.'
Yes, that's credit to an incredibly well-paid man for putting together a strike partnership of two players he inherited who have scored a grand total of 294 Premier League goals in the last ten seasons. We suspect that Lawro, as a close friend of David Moyes, is rather easily impressed.
* On Leicester: 'I like the fact they have kept hold of a lot of players who got them promoted.'
Which of course is famously the route to Premier League survival.
* 'Villa fans are probably only wondering one thing - when will Christian Benteke be fit?'
Well, that and 'why the f*** have we signed Philippe Senderos' and 'how long do we have to put up with this long-ball s***?'
* 'Manchester City struggled at the back in their Community Shield defeat by Arsenal on Sunday and, for me, their captain Vincent Kompany has to come into the side at St James' Park alongside new defensive signing Eliaquim Mangala.'
So, for Lawro, it's imperative that Manchester City play their best defenders. Genius.
And then, brilliantly...
* 'Andy Carroll's latest injury won't help matters but it should not surprise anybody - I think his problem is as fundamental as the top half of his body being too heavy for the bottom half.'
Is he basically saying Carroll has big tits?
Here's Brendan Rodgers on the lure of Liverpool: "If you're a football player in Europe watching how we played last season and saw our supporters, then your reaction would be that you'd want to play in that environment."
What he should have said: "If you're a football player at Southampton watching how we played last season and saw our supporters, then your reaction would be that you'd want to play in that environment."
We can only assume that Barcelona's Alexis Sanchez did not 'watch how Liverpool played last season and saw their supporters'. If he did, his reaction that he wanted to play in the environment of Arsenal is unfathomable.
There's a bizarre use of the 'EXCLUSIVE' tag in the Daily Mirror, who seem to think that the permanently nasal Darren Lewis is the only man in the world who knows that clubs have more players than they can fit on an 18-man teamsheet.
'AT TWO O'CLOCK on Saturday afternoon when the team sheets go up, there will be a group of players left with a hard decision to make. Those players, including some of those on the bench or out of the squads altogether, will be the Unwanted.'
And that, friends, is an EXCLUSIVE. The rest of us have been blundering around thinking that every club has exactly the right amount of players. What can we say? We're bloody fools. We're bowing to you and your investigative skills, Darren.
The Best XXVIII
Incidentally, Darren Lewis's exclusive, and we'll think you'll agree, extraordinary claim, is accompanied by a list of clubs and their 'outcasts'. To say it's exhaustive would be a bare-faced lie.
Apparently Arsenal, Aston Villa, Burnley, Hull and West Brom have absolutely no outcasts so we can look forward to every member of the Gunners' 28-man squad (including Ryo Miyaichi) facing Palace on Saturday. Which doesn't seem quite fair.
But the bad news for the likes of Victor Moses, Cameron Jerome, Tony Hibbert, Sebastian Coates and Gabriel Obertan (and about 427 others) is that they are so cast out that they've been entirely forgotten by the Daily Mirror. Or perhaps that's in next week's 'exclusive'.
Out Of The Blocks
We're astonished that the Daily Mirror's Arsenal fanboy John Cross came up with only five reasons why Arsenal can win the Premier League title this season. We would have expected 28 - one for every member of a squad with no outcasts.
But we can't help thinking Cross was struggling for even five when he included 'Quick start'.
'Want to know why Arsenal were ahead of Manchester City in the Community Shield? Simple. The Champions League qualifier. Arsenal have to be ready to beat a good quality European side to qualify for the Group stage. That often means they are a week or two ahead of the rest. This time, it's Besiktas,' writes Cross.
Yes, and last year it was Fenerbahce. And the Gunners lost their opening PL game 3-1 against Aston Villa. And, we seem to remember, they failed to win the title.
In 2011/12 it was Udinese. And the Gunners failed to win any of their opening three PL games including an 8-2 defeat to Manchester United. And, we seem to remember, they failed to win the title.
Should we go on?
The Heat Is On
Apparently, Vincent Kompany has 'lit the touchpaper for an explosive start to the new season'. We won't bore you with the details but it's fair to say that Manchester City's mild-mannered captain has done nothing of the sort.
And it's also fair to say that The Sun are ready for the new season.
Spot The Odd One Out
Says Vincent 'Explosive' Kompany: "It's a huge sign of commitment when I see David SIlva, Samir Nasri, Aleks Koloarov and Yaya Toure signing new contracts. All of those players could have played for the top three clubs in the world."
All of them, Vincent?
'Manchester City could field two Premier League teams - and here's the proof!' says Stuart Brennan in the Manchester Evening News. The proof? They have a 25-man Premier League squad.
Yes, like every other Premier League side.
Their Question, Our Answer
From the increasingly embarrassing Independent Twitter account: 'Why is Cristiano Ronaldo standing so tall in this Real Madrid team photo?'
Answer: Well, he is quite tall anyway, but in this particular photo, he's standing on his tip-toes.
We could do about 27 of these every day but this one irked more than most...
Headline on the Daily Mail website: 'Atletico Madrid open talks with Chelsea over World Cup winner Andre Schurrle'.
Contradicting bulletpoint below said headline: 'La Liga champions Atletico Madrid are in talks with Andre Schurrle'.
The Mail's transfer guru Simon Jones writes: 'Atletico expressed an interest last week but are pressing for an answer from Chelsea. Jose Mourinho though would prefer to sell other foreign players rather than the versatile forward.
'And the 23-year-old would appear to want to stay at Stamford Bridge after stating he hopes to replicate his success at the World Cup with Chelsea this season.'
So Atletico Madrid have asked Chelsea (or asked Schurrle, it's unclear which), haven't had an answer, have 'pressed' for an answer and neither manager nor club is interested? Sounds like 'stalking' rather than 'opening talks' to us.
Description Of The Day
'Sportsmail's three wise men' - yes, that's Jamie Carragher, Martin Keown and Jamie Redknapp, bringing gifts of gold, rank 'insight' and meh.
Quote Of The Day (One)
"I have to believe that Chelsea or any team will miss me" - David Luiz. Do you know what David, I think they might just miss the £50m more.
Quote Of The Day (Two)
"Last season was obviously very difficult for the club - but everyone was so nice to me, the players, the manager, the supporters" - Juan Mata. That's because a) you turned up in a tweed jacket looking awful handsome and b) they were really sodding desperate.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Mata-ral history museum' - The Sun. It might be the worst we've seen this year.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A 55-year-old man in western Sweden illegally purchased sex from two women - and then called police to complain about their "outrageous" prices. "I believe I've been cheated," the man said when interrogated by Gothenburg police. "They took way too much money from me."
'At first the man just told police he had been robbed. But when police arrived at the scene, it was clear what he had been up to.
'The man had met two prositutes in Rosenlund, the red-light district of Gothenburg, and paid 3,000 kronor ($436) to each of them for an hour of services, newspaper Expressen reported.
'Buying sex is illegal in Sweden, and the man immediately confessed to his crime. When police asked why he had done it, his response was simple. "That's just how it is. A man has his needs."
'The man has now been charged for buying sexual services, and faces fines of 24,500 kronor ($3,561)' - The Local.
Thanks to our Mediawatch spotter Dunn Deals (Spoon division). If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.