The one thing we learned from the Telegraph's 'six things', Ian Wright contradicts himself, the Daily Express go all double CAPITALS and...
Look at those 'wobbly old Gunners' beating lower-league opposition again, we have it confirmed that Ronaldo was not so heartbroken he turned to violence and...
Djourou Do You Think You Are?
We understand that the bar for tactical analysis of soccerball in the United States is rather low, but we suggest NBC review their policy of employing former Wimbledon striker Robbie Earle after his preview for the new season, as recorded in The Guardian.
'I'm going against all my principles and my love of Wenger - I think Arsenal are out of the top four. They lost the title through not replacing Johan Djourou and not having a centre-midfield player to drive and win a game. This summer they haven't done any of that business they needed to do, as well as they played in the Community Shield.'
If only they'd brought back Philippe Senderos to replace Djourou (who last played for Arsenal in 2012)...they could have been contenders.
After Mediawatch moved past astonishment at Robbie Savage still having the same top-four predictions two days after his first attempt, we laughed heartily at Garth Crooks' reasoning on the BBC for choosing Chelsea over Manchester City as his picks for the title.
'I have interviewed Manuel Pellegrini for Football Focus and in that interview he revealed the flaw in his campaign and why he will not win the Premier League title.'
And that's it. Wow. We suspect that was designed to enhance mystique and boost viewers; instead it just makes him look like a prat.
Hull Of A Shout
Talking of Robbie Savage, here he is on Hull in the Daily Mirror: 'Who would have thought, 12 months ago, that Hull would finish in mid-table...another comfortable season ahead.'
Hull finished in 16th place - four points off relegation and one ahead of West Brom, who 'flirted with trouble last season'.
Martin Keown in the Daily Mail after an offer from Strictly Come Dancing: "I want to be seen as a serious football pundit."
Mind you, if Martin Keown does want to be taken seriously, it might be wise not to tell the Daily Mail that Mauricio Pochettino used a three-man defence at Southampton. We suspect he was thinking of Roberto Martinez. We don't blame him - we often do.
The Daily Star website certainly get their money's worth out of Jack Wilson - credited with 21 stories between Thursday morning and Friday at 11am. But it's fair to say that the emphasis is very firmly on quantity rather than quality.
We're not sure which is our favourite of these SEO dream headlines...
* 'REVEALED: The FIFTH Chelsea signing no-one knows anything about'
That will be Mario Pasalic - signed on July 9.
* 'Chelsea star Eden Hazard makes SHOCK Arsenal revelation'
The quote from Hazard in full: "In France, Gervinho - his skills with the ball are insane."
* 'REVEALED: The unknown rookie who could be set to play in Man United's season opener'
That would be Tyler Blackett, who played 90 minutes on Tuesday night against Valencia as a centre-half. Extra points due to Jack for saying he'll play at left-back against Swansea.
* 'Axed Man United boss David Moyes in frame for shock return with Crystal Palace' (surely 'shock' should be in capitals?)
It must be a very big frame; the very first paragraph of the story admits Malky Mackay is odds-on favourite.
* 'SNAPPED: Louis van Gaal enjoys night on the town in Manchester'
Yes. Yes he did. Thanks for that.
On The Same Page
Jose Mourinho, August 11: "Frank is the history of the club, history nobody can forget. Fabregas is the future; history is history but the future is more important at the moment. My opinion, and the opinion of my players, is that Fabregas is the right player to occupy that central position in midfield."
Cesc Fabregas, August 14: "For me, we are different players and we cannot be compared. I have only just started my career here, but I don't consider myself to be a replacement for anyone."
Quote Of The Day (One)
"There are a lot of good managers looking for work and I am certainly one of them" - Tim Sherwood.
Quote Of The Day (Two)
"Hindsight is the perfect sight, isn't it? You can't see, unless you watch FlashForward on the telly and there is a blackout across the world and you get two minutes and 17 seconds to see what the future is going to hold, then you can make those decisions very well and make yourself a lot of money. You'll all go away from here and watch FlashForward now, it's On Demand" - Sam Allardyce on the 'mistake' of signing Andy Carroll.
PS. Don't watch Flashfoward: it's sh*t.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'LVG'S GOT FEARGIE FACTOR' - The Sun make our eyes bleed.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'German police have rescued a man who was trapped in handcuffs for three days after an "autoerotic accident". A neighbour concerned about the whereabouts of the 57-year-old man contacted the authorities late on Tuesday, police said.
'When the officers arrived at the home in Munich's upscale Schwabing district and rang the bell, there was no answer and three days' newspapers were lying in front of the door. Through the mail slot, they saw a light was on in the flat and could hear "a faint, woozy murmur".
'They broke open the door to find the man lying semi-conscious on the floor of his kitchen wearing underwear and women's boots, and restrained in handcuffs.
'The officers were able to unlock the cuffs using a key found in the apartment and said there was no evidence of foul play. The man, who was weak and dehydrated when he was found, kept in hospital, but is not in a critical condition' - The Daily Telegraph.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Ben Foulkes, Al Campbell and Max Thieme. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.