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Apparently we can learn a lot in 15 minutes, and Paul Scholes can't figure out why there's friction with Wayne Rooney...

Last Updated: 19/08/14 at 12:32

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Learning's Fun
'What have we learned?' is one of the latest fads in football journalism, with answers helpfully split into bullet points to retain readers' dwindling attention spans.

As is the worrying trend, the SEO subject is far more important than the actual learning, as the Daily Mirror prove with their reaction to Luis Suarez's Barcelona debut. An appearance that lasted all of 15 minutes.

'Bitey McBitey made his bow for the Catalans in a pre-season friendly against Mexican champions Leon, but what did we learn?' asks the intro.

Below, the Mirror's quick-fire conclusions include the staggering revelations that:

* Suarez 'is unlikely to be top dog just yet.'

* He 'rarely touched the ball, but he may feel it's better that way.'

* 'This early glimpse suggests Suarez will, however, play exactly where he plays best.'

* 'He'll be hungrier than ever for El Clasico'

As Sam Marsden writes: 'he can now begin to focus on ensuring his first truly memorable moment wearing blaugrana comes on more suitable occasion than a glorified friendly.'

Mediawatch suggests that might also be a more suitable occasion to discuss what we've learned.

The Daily Mail are no strangers to jumping the gun, but even they felt the need to rein it in a little after running this headline on Monday: 'England beckons for cool Chambers after Arsenal new boy plays like a true great'.

Mediawatch notes that the MailOnline's story has now been changed to 'Chambers shows maturity beyond his years as Ramsey and Koscielny goals see off Palace in encouraging start for Arsenal', but we're glad to report that it still includes the line: 'Even with Fraizer Campbell breathing down his neck, he was always a step ahead of the game.'

Because that's the standard barometer for what makes a 'true great'.

Warm Welcome
Writes Steven Howard in The Sun: 'Matty Taylor got in behind the Chelsea defence on the left, crossed to the back of the box and Arfield, a free transfer from Huddersfield last summer, took one touch before rifling an immaculate right-foot shot past a stunned Courtois. Welcome to England, pal.'

Yeah, welcome to England, pal. That's how they hit 'em over here. You better get used to it, pal.

More Learning
F365 has its own list of knee-jerk reactions on the site this fine day, so we we're greatly intrigued to see how they compare to Adrian Durham's 'ten things we learned'. By 'we' he means 'he', and by 'learned' he means 'click this way because I say controversial things just to be controversial. Ooh, aren't I controversial'.

Deep breath, and here goes:

* 'This is a player who never pretends to be injured, a player who, when the club isn't being run the way he - and all of us - would expect a big club to be run, doesn't down tools'

You will be amused to know that Durham is referring to Wayne "everyone at the club knew where I wanted to play. Maybe I will play in midfield when I'm a bit older if I have lost my legs a bit but I didn't want to play there. I had to be a bit selfish for my own career" Rooney. It's a catchy nickname.

*'Jack Colback is England class - his set-pieces are phenomenal. And he's got bottle as well. He's the Ginger Pirlo, trusted with the set-pieces, and delivering good service with most of them. I like this kid, and I can't help thinking that if he'd come through at Arsenal, Liverpool or even the 'boutique' academy at Southampton, Colback would have had an England call-up by now.'

We're pretty sure even Colback's own mother would laugh in Mediawatch's face if we suggested that he was the 'Ginger Pirlo', so you'll forgive us for doing the same to Durham.

* 'There is something special about this guy' - A comment on Paul Lambert.

* Playing 3-5-2 is a waste of space in the line-up, apparently.

'You don't need an extra centre back on the pitch to release your full backs/wing backs. Can you imagine Roberto Martinez putting a third centre back in the team? What a waste of a place in the line-up!'

No Adrian, but that's only because we don't have to imagine it. Martinez played with three at the back in 35 of Wigan's 38 Premier League games in their last Premier League season. Maybe you were watching the other three?

Another day, another reason to mourn the future of football writing.

Said Paul Scholes in an interview with the Daily Mail: "Where the friction came from (with Wayne Rooney) I'm not too sure because I like the lad. From my point of view there is no friction and I loved playing with him."

Well, Paul, perhaps Rooney didn't take too kindly to you saying this: "Wayne's peak may have been a lot younger than we'd expect of footballers traditionally."

Or this: "There's a chance he's worn out."

Or this: "I'm not saying Wayne needs to be dropped, but if his form doesn't get up to scratch in the warm-ups, or in the first game of the World Cup, it will be interesting to see if the England management team has the balls to make that decision."

But no, Mediawatch can't see where the friction might have come from either.

Pointless Comparison Of The Day
Note The Sun: 'Average house price in Burnley: £89,506. Diego Costa weekly wage at Chelsea: £150k'.

What this has to do with the price of fish, Mediawatch isn't sure.

After missing a penalty against Tottenham on Saturday, West Ham's Mark Noble reflected on some wise words from Frank Lampard the last time he failed to score from the spot.

"Frank Lampard came up to me after and said 'make sure you take the next one and smash it in the back of the net.'" said Noble of his miss against Chelsea in 2009.

"I will never forget those words - and hopefully I'll be doing just that."

Yes, what better advice to give a penalty taker than 'kick it in the net'. It's just a shame that Noble obviously did forget that on Saturday.

Worst Headline Of The Day
'Kos For Optimism' - The Sun.

Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A US man spent his 101st birthday at work in the job he has held for an astonishing 73 years.

'Herman 'Hy' Goldman still works four days a week at light fixtures company Capitol Lighting in East Hanover, New Jersey.

'He used to say that he would retire at 100 but when he reached the milestone, he changed his mind. His co-workers celebrated his latest birthday with him.

'Aside from a brief absence to serve in the US Army in the Second World War, Mr Goldman has worked for the firm since 1941' -

Thanks for nothing, folks. If you do spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.

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ilarious, thanks for that. But if I may, I do suspect the reason of your partners' ire is not Tottenham, but most probably all the compusilve gambling :)

Backing Costa To Keep Banging 'Em In


wo police horses in a paddock. Horse 1: What's with the long face? Horse 2: I'm working St James Park this weekend.

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wo things. First, I can't stop reading your name as 'Dane Bowers'. Second, you used the words 'philosophy' and 'Redknapp' in the same sentence.

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