Which newspapers went for the full 'ass' and which pretended Louis van Gaal said 'bum'? Plus, the five stages of a transfer rumour and Brendan Rodgers moves the goalposts...
Andy Cole knows you'll change your mind about human rights abuse when you see Qatar's stadia, whilst you need to be careful when using words like "unforgivable"...
A River In Egypt
As Liverpool reportedly close in on a move for Mario Balotelli, Mediawatch would just like to remind you what Brendan Rodgers said at the start of August:
"I can categorically tell you Mario Balotelli will not be at Liverpool. In my last press conference I was asked a question about Mario Balotelli and I talked about what a talent he was and what an excellent player he was.
"And the next day it was wrote as if we were signing him. I just gave my perception of him as a player. It shouldn't be transmitted in to us signing the player."
Sure, Brendan. We believe you.
Report the Daily Express: 'SAMUEL ETO'O has given Liverpool a major lift by rejecting the chance to join Ajax.'
Erm, we think they might be a bit busy elsewhere at the moment.
'Louis van Gaal claims he will not rebuild Manchester United around one superstar signing,' reveals David Anderson in the Daily Mirror.
At first this sounded like a fascinating interview to Mediawatch, but then we realised that Van Gaal hasn't made any claims specifically relating to United at all.
'Van Gaal, 63, reveals his managerial philosophy in his book My Vision,' Anderson eventually admits buried deep into his two-page spread.
That's right, folks, the Mirror have got their hands on a book that was published in 2009 and reported the quotes as though they're a new angle on Van Gaal's United blueprint.
Even the Daily Mail had the decency to mention Van Gaal's coaching manual in the first paragraph when they took extracts in July.
Headline on the MailOnline: 'Selhurst SNUB: Hoddle turns down approach from Crystal Palace over vacant manager's job'.
Writes Neil Ashton: 'Glenn Hoddle has turned down an approach from managerless Crystal Palace to hold talks about replacing Tony Pulis.
'Hoddle, now coach at QPR, was sounded out on Wednesday about taking over at Selhurst Park.
'But the former England manager, offered a route back into the game by Redknapp, does not want to walk out on QPR so soon after starting the role.'
So Palace only sounded Hoddle out on Wednesday, the day the s**t hit the fan with Malky Mackay. Is it possible to SNUB a club who preferred to appoint another manager anyway?
'ARTETA KO MAY SPARK TRANSFER ACTION' claims a very serious headline in the Daily Mirror.
Oh dear, how long is he out for? What could the prognosis possibly be if it means Arsenal can't cope with Jack Wilshere, Mathieu Flamini, Aaron Ramsey (suspended for the second leg against Besiktas), Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Tomas Rosicky in the meantime?
'Mikel Arteta has delivered Arsenal a huge injury blow that could force Arsene Wenger back into the transfer market,' writes a panicked John Cross.
'The Gunners captain is out for at least two weeks - potentially longer - after spraining his ankle in Arsenal's Champions League draw with Besiktas.'
False alarm, everyone, return to your beds. It's just an Arsenal fan wildly overreacting to a sprained ankle.
Unsurprising Daily Mail Angle Of The Day
While most newspapers and websites discuss what Marcos Rojo will bring to Manchester United from a football perspective, the Daily Mail have an entirely different slant on the defender's arrival.
'Marcos Rojo and Sergio Aguero fell out during the World Cup...and now they will face off in the Manchester derby' chirps the MailOnline's headline.
'The story The two World Cup finalists were said to have exchanged angry words during this summer's tournament after Rojo - who completed his £16m move to Manchester United from Sporting Lisbon on Wednesday - invited his pal, Argentinian pop star El Polaco, into the dressing room after a group game,' the story reports.
'Unfortunately, El Polaco is the former partner of City star Aguero's girlfriend - another Argentinian pop star, Karina Tejeda.'
Seriously, who is reading this s**t so that they continue to write it? Please, own up now so Mediawatch can get you some help.
'If Utd say they're not interested in Muller it begs the question...why not?' asks Steven Howard in The Sun.
'If they want to entertain any hopes of regaining their status in Europe and not go into the sort of freefall that hit Liverpool after so many years at the top, these are exactly the players they need,' writes a perplexed Howard after United denied their interest in Thomas Muller and Marco Reus.
Let Mediawatch help you out, Steven: This is obviously a face-saving exercise by a club rapidly gaining notoriety for failing to attract the biggest names.
See, your puzzle didn't demand 32 paragraphs of irate confusion after all.
Young Interviewer Of The Year
Mediawatch was amused by this youngster's line of questioning when he met Jamie Carragher.
Middle-Aged Moan Of The Day
'Instead, 44 years on, the one innovation we have at free-kicks is a middle-aged man getting a can of foam from his pocket and, like a glorified jobsworth from the council's highways department, drawing a line on the grass. Progress, eh?' - It must be exhausting being the Daily Mirror's Brian Reade.
Quote Of The Day
"There's a lot more hugging goes on today. I can't remember any hugging going on when I played. Man-hugs are commonplace today" - Graeme Souness.
Said Joey Barton: "I like to prod and poke people just to see where their comfort zones are." Judging by Ousmane Dabo's face, that's a lot of prodding and poking.
'BESIK INSTINCT' - The Sun.
'Army to take over Miss Uganda beauty contest' - The Daily Monitor.
'Passengers baffled by new doors at Keighley railway station' - Keighley News.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'NEW doors installed at Keighley railway station have left some passengers bemused.
'The push-button automated system - between the ticket office and the steps to the platforms - is idiotic, according to one user.
'Retired social services worker Ken Smith says the doors are designed for use by wheelchair-bound passengers.
'But he claims the low position of the buttons is causing problems for many and the doors lead to stairs anyway, which bars access to the platforms for anyone in a wheelchair.
'"I was waiting in the ticket office hall for a friend and noticed people were having great difficulty with the doors," said Mr Smith, 69, of Calton Road, Long Lee.
'"I approached the man in the ticket office and he pointed out the buttons - they are small and low down, away from the door on a rail. No one could see them. I am concerned that someone could hurt themselves trying to tug open the doors."' - Keighley News.
Thanks go to Ric Duncombe, Kev Power and Tim Barlow. If you do spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.