Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
TIREDGATE: DAY NINE, and at last it reaches the front pages. Plus why Mourinho can now be found polishing his halo, and doing as Fergie says, not as Fergie does...
'The LMA does not condone in any way any potential breach of equal opportunities laws but would also point out that out of over 10,000 text messages and 70,000 documents produced over a long period of time it may not be a complete surprise that some inappropriate comments can sometimes be made by employees, like Malky.'
Mediawatch is reminded of Will Ferrell's character Cam Brady in the film The Campaign saying: "In my lifetime, I have made over 100,000 phone calls and maybe 1,000 of them were obscene. That's a very small percentage."
Not Condoning It, But
Said Harry Redknapp: "What I would say is that Malky Mackay has made a big mistake.
"Malky is a great lad, a family man and a real football man, he has made mistakes and people make mistakes in life.
"Suddenly everyone is an angel, he made a big mistake the lad but it shouldn't finish his life. He is a good manager and I feel bad for what he has done but I bet no one is feeling as bad as him or his family today.
"I'm not condoning what he has done but show me someone who has ever made a mistake and I will show you a liar. He hasn't murdered anyone, he hasn't raped anyone and he is not a paedophile."
Two things, Harry:
1) Being racist is not a 'mistake'.
2) Not being a murderer, rapist or paedophile is not an excuse.
Anyway, we didn't know Mackay was 'racist' five minutes ago.
Not Condoning It, But, Part II
"I am not just saying this but he is one of the most genuine, honest people I have ever come across," said Mackay's former Norwich teammate Iwan Roberts.
"Yes, he has made a bad judgement in error and will be the first to admit that. He has a son, young daughter, lovely wife."
Newsflash: Family men cannot possibly be racist.
This is the best excuse since the father of UKIP election candidate James Elgar denied his son was racist because: "Last night he came home at 10.30pm with a curry."
Not Condoning It, But, Part III
After former Cardiff youngster Ibrahim Farah accused Mackay of making racist remarks during his time at the club, Mackay's ex-assistant David Kerslake said: "He was a young player and we just didn't think he was good enough. Because he was released, he's maybe trying to take advantage of the situation."
That's it, take the side of the man who's admitted sending racist texts. 'No comment' would probably have sufficed.
Not Condoning It, But, Part IV
Said Mackay's former coach at Cardiff, Joe McBride: "The texts are not Malky Mackay."
This is the best one yet. It wasn't Malky Mackay sending those texts, it was his alter ego 'Racist Malky'.
Robbie Savage is still harping on about how he predicted Manchester United's decline, writing in the Daily Mirror: 'Twelve months ago, I got absolutely hammered on Twitter when I warned United's dithering in the summer transfer window would cost them a place in the top four, but look what happened.'
No, Robbie, 12 months ago you wrote that United's dithering would cost them the title, stating in your revised predictions that United would finish third.
How many times do we have to go over this s**t?
Headline on the MailOnline: 'No more fireworks off the pitch...we just want Mario to sparkle on it, says Rodgers as Liverpool boss takes £16m gamble'.
When you sell a story on something a manager has supposedly said, surely it's only right to include a few quotes?
'When Rio Ferdinand talks about the England job, he speaks with authority,' writes Neil Ashton after interviewing the defender for the Daily Mail and pleading that he be given a chance to take the top job.
'To think that he could soon be taking the sessions as England's head coach is a tantalising, exciting prospect.'
Steady on, Neil. It was only 18 months ago, when Ferdinand appeared on Al Jazeera after withdrawing from England selection, that you claimed: 'Rio Ferdinand is the man who will be remembered for turning his back on his country to take up a one-off role as a television analyst for Al Jazeera. Bad call.'
As for suggesting that Ferdinand is the sort of character to 'command the respect of the dressing room', here's one of the 35-year-old's recent tweets:
'Just got to training...went for the usual morning toilet visit to be punched up by a militant devastating smell, someone went nuts in there.'
Tantalising and exciting.
How many times this season is Paul Lambert going to say about Joe Cole: "If you can keep him fit, then you have a real top player on your hands"?
Crap Analogy Of The Day
'As one media commentator put it yesterday: "It's like throwing a hand grenade into a wedding reception"' writes The Sun's Steven Howard on Mario Balotelli's proposed transfer to Liverpool.
Yes, it's just like that.
One To Keep On File
'And do Liverpool actually need a target man seeing this is not the way they play?' Howard continues. 'If they want that option, they have it anyway in Rickie Lambert - and he only cost £4m.'
Come to think of it, £4m does seem a bargain compared to the extortionate £16m fee for a 24-year-old Premier League-winning striker with Champions League experience.
Quote Of The Day
"Hopefully he will learn from what he has done but everyone does the tweeting and texting. I don't send text messages, but I do receive them with sick jokes. I don't read them, they make me ill" - If you don't read them, 'Arry, how do you know what they say?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Pards: Don't Cheick Out' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Florida mother has admitted to secretly giving her daughter tapeworms to help her slim before a beauty contest.
'Paediatric nurse Maricar Cabral-Osorio says the teenager turned up at her hospital with a bulging stomach. At first, staff thought she might be pregnant but an ultrasound scan showed no sign of a baby.
'"Something was in her intestines," Ms Cabral-Osorio said in an episode of Untold Stories Of The E.R., on the Discovery Fit and Health channel.
'The mystery was solved when the patient went to use the toilet and suddenly started screaming. Ms Cabral-Osorio explained: "It was a toilet bowl full of tapeworms. Blegh! It was so gross and she had pooped all these tapeworms.
'"There were a couple that were very long and wiggling around trying to get out of the toilet bowl." Ms Cabral-Osorio told the patient that since the tapeworms were out of the body, she'd be just fine but one question remained unanswered.
'"We were wondering how did she get those tapeworms, and then you saw the mom turn white," she said. "The mom was apologizing to the girl. It's like 'I'm so sorry. You know, I did it just to make you a little skinnier. You needed some help before we went on to the pageant'"' - orange.co.uk
Thanks to Max Laubin. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.