Brendan Rodgers is the best thing since sliced bread, says Brendan Rodgers. We really are getting tired of his nonsense...
Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
As soon as Mediawatch read Angel di Maria's farewell letter to Real Madrid supporters we knew what the reaction would be, so it was no surprise to see the story on the back page of The Sun.
'Angel Di Maria joined Manchester United's flops - and then admitted he never wanted to leave Real Madrid,' writes Neil Custis.
'The bombshell from the £59.7m British record signing added to Louis van Gaal's woes as he watched his side suffer Capital One Cup misery - their worst defeat to lower league opposition.
'Di Maria's revelation came in an open letter that will have the Red Devils faithful raging.'
Will it, though? Di Maria's comments are hardly the 'bombshell' The Sun is reporting. Any player would want to stay with the reigning Champions League winners in a country where his family is settled. Di Maria is just making a point about Real's contract negotiations - and probably a fair one, considering his performances last season.
Besides, he then went on to state: "I have enjoyed my time in Spain but United is the only club that I would have left Real Madrid for."
Boy, those United fans are going to be raging.
War, Huh, What Is It Good For?
Certainly more than this, from The Sun's Neil Custis: 'Now Van Gaal wants to release the WAR machine - Wayne Rooney, Angel and Robin van Persie.'
May the seas rise and claim us all.
Make You Think
'Before we get to the nostalgia and respect that I have for my cousin's England career, can I just say what an embarrassment it is that no England manager got the best out of Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard playing together,' writes the original Jamie Redknapp in the Daily Mail.
'Add Paul Scholes - all three have been masters of their art at club level.
'They have won 38 trophies for their clubs (so far), none for their country. Think about that for a moment.'
You know what, Mediawatch might just have done that had the whole country not harped on about Lampard, Gerrard and Scholes for almost 15 years.
Martin Samuel leaps to the defence of Harry Redknapp in the Daily Mail after he was criticised by QPR fans for waving to Spurs supporters in Sunday's 4-0 defeat.
'He was probably in a fog of regret and negative projection about the team and its prospects. So, absent-mindedly, he obliged,' writes Samuel as he does 'Arry's explaining for him. Perhaps there's another book in the pipeline.
'Unfortunately, Redknapp was responding to a sarcastic invitation from Tottenham's fans and not unswerving support from the Rangers contingent. He is now accused of disloyalty, which is preposterous.'
Samuel continues with the bizarre defence that waving to fans is a reflex action 'like instigating peek-a-boo with a two-year-old on a transatlantic flight' (why on transatlantic flight, Mediawatch isn't sure), before concluding:
'But here's the irony. Had Redknapp spotted the teasing for what it was and answered with another type of salute, while the Rangers supporters would have loved him for it, the Football Association would have placed him on a charge.
'So waving is a molehill that's become a mountain that's become a minefield. Tactical deafness may be the only way forward for managers from here.'
Or, Martin, Redknapp could always try the following:
1) Don't wave to fans of a former club and city rival when your current team is being thrashed 4-0.
2) Don't give a two-fingered salute after sarcastic pleas for a wave.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
'On the day Louis van Gaal signed an Angel, United came crashing down to earth. Their wings were not just clipped - they were taken off with a chainsaw.
'While United smashed the British transfer record with the £59.7million capture of Angel di Maria, LVG's poor excuse for a team crashed to a League One outfit whose key striker once played in the Midland Alliance League for Stratford. Even William Shakespeare, who hailed from the same Warwickshire town, could not have made this story up' - The Sun's Charlie Wyett on Manchester United's comedy of errors.
'The Regions Of Hell Conceived Of As A Bottomless Pit'
Headline on the MailOnline: 'Staring into the abyss: On the day United shattered British transfer record for Di Maria, Van Gaal's flops are humiliated 4-0 by minnows'
Hmmm, they must have a new definition of the word 'abyss'.
'ARSENAL and Manchester United have received a huge boost in their pursuit of Roma defender Mehdi Benatia after the Italian club scrapped a proposed meeting with potential suitors Bayern Munich,' reported the excitable Daily Star on Monday.
Just 36 hours later, you won't be surprised to learn that Benatia is officially a Bayern Munich player.
Quote Of The Day
"We didn't have the luck to score but at least we have created a lot of chances" - Louis van Gaal takes the positives.
No S**t Quote Of The Day
"It's not often Man United go to a League one side and get beat 4-0" - Thanks for that, David May.
"At the end, there is only one thing to say: we haven't been good enough and we haven't deserved to go to the Champions League" - Ronny Deila reflects on Celtic being knocked out of the competition for the second time.
Headline Of The Day
'DiSASTER' - It's not like The Sun to be subtle.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Joe: We Are Telli Addicts' - And then they go and ruin it.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man has admitted causing a bizarre disturbance in a small West Lothian village in which he attacked a house 'while brandishing his private member'.
'Charles Arthurs was described as being 'extremely drunk' when he was seen shouting sexual and homophobic insults while striking the door and window of a house in Bridgend.
'Mr Arthurs, 45, pled guilty to behaving in a threatening and abusive manner likely to cause fear or alarm during the incident last month.
'Gerry Whitten, defending, said that the remarks made by Mr Arthurs were not serious enough to warrant his client being classed as a sex offender.
'Mr Whitten added: "It's a long time since he was in trouble. The last time he committed a breach of the peace was in the 1990s"' - The Scotsman
Thanks to Hugh McCarthy and Tim Barlow. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.