How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
Tomorrow is like Christmas for Mediawatch as it signals a brief respite from the transfer nonsense we've had to endure for the past few months.
Transfer nonsense such as this, from the Daily Star: 'Arsenal target Alessio Cerci left OUT of Torino squad ahead of move away from club,' reveals the newspaper's headline.
'ARSENAL could be closing in on the signature of Torino's Alessio Cerci after the attacker was left out of their squad to face Inter Milan.'
Less than 24 hours later Cerci is an Atletico Madrid player, with not a whiff of him ever being close to joining Arsenal.
Tuesday morning can't come quick enough.
Speaking of Christmas, we know what present Mrs Gerrard should buy for Steven: A new thesaurus.
"Everyone had eyes on him and I thought he was terrific for an hour. He could be the difference regarding whether we can compete or not," said Gerrard about Mario Balotelli's debut. "He has been terrific since he came in. He works hard and he will only improve with a manager like Brendan Rodgers. I am aware he is a terrific penalty taker, I am sure he will get the chances over the season."
Watch This Space
Writes the Daily Mirror's Martin Lipton on Monday, discussing a potential Chelsea exodus: 'Another potential departure is striker Patrick Bamford, who has impressed in loan spells at MK Done and Derby. Middlesbrough looks like his next short-term destination.'
That's a pretty safe bet, Martin, considering he played for Boro on Saturday.
In typical fashion, The Sun report on 'BALO WATCH' after Mario Balotelli made his debut for Liverpool on Sunday.
The key points - 'Match impact, Attitude, Dedication' - have been arranged to spell out the word 'MAD', because of course, that's all anyone cares about when it comes to Balotelli.
One game and the s**t storm has already started.
Pat On The Back
Jamie Redknapp gives himself a warm round of applause in the Daily Mail after watching Diego Costa tear Everton apart on Saturday.
'After watching Diego Costa closely at Atletico Madrid last season, I picked him as one of my 10 to watch this time around. So far, so good,' writes Redknapp.
Yup, that was a real pick from obscurity. Who else thought Costa would be one to watch after he led Atletico to La Liga glory and a place in the Champions League final? Certainly not Mediawatch.
'The best thing that happened to Liverpool yesterday was Mario Balotelli not scoring,' Redknapp continues. 'If he had, the game and the headlines would all be about him. Instead, it was another team display that showed the gulf in class between Spurs and Liverpool.'
Really? That was the best thing that happened to Liverpool? Not the 3-0 victory? Not another stunning display from Raheem Sterling? Not a first clean sheet of the season?
Would it really have changed the reaction to the Reds' performance had Balotelli taken one of his chances to open his account?
'It was meant to be a new era under Mauricio Pochettino, but new eras don't tend to last long around White Hart Lane,' writes Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail after Spurs' 3-0 defeat to Liverpool. 'Don't worry, there will be another along in a minute.'
It was his third Premier League match in charge, Martin. Give him a chance.
Mediawatch enjoyed Neil McLeman's wonderful dig at Louis van Gaal in his report on Southampton's win over West Ham for the Daily Mirror.
Writes McLeman: 'Ronald Koeman has set Southampton the target of silverware within three years - after showing not all Dutch bosses need time to build new teams in the Premier League.'
Ouch, burn and zing.
'He's obviously a Newcastle United player and there's a situation up there with him not being in the team," said Lee Clark after Birmingham were linked with a loan move for Hatem Ben Arfa.
"But I don't want to talk about any other team's player."
No, Lee, you wouldn't want to speculate, would you?
Why You Should Never Meet Your Heroes
Here's Loic Remy, making promises he can't keep to an innocent young child.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
Writes the Daily Mail's Matt Barlow: 'In a stadium named after a company built on duty-free shopping, Arsene Wenger watched two points disappear while weighing up the value of one final dash to the tills before the gate closes.'
'Until last Wednesday, Warnock, at 65, was a semi-retired radio presenter. It certainly didn't take him long to hit the right frequency on his return to the Palace dugout - 31 seconds, in fact' - the Daily Mail.
Writes Jason Mellor in the Daily Mirror: 'Wilfried Zaha has been told he is reet better off chuckin' t'Theatre o'Dreams by his new gaffer down t'Palace. Or at least that's what he reckons Neil Warnock said.'
Good lord, what is wrong with everyone today? This is the havoc deadline day wreaks upon us.
Headline Of The Day
'Hull Boss Adds Abel Body' - The Daily Mirror.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Tippy Taffy' - The Daily Mirror on another win for Swansea.
'Ron Ready To Splurge On Virg' - The Sun make us feel queasy.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A church in Pennsylvania has taken the unusual step of putting up a billboard which preaches God's love for sex.
'The Restored Church in the city of Wilkes-Barre erected the huge message, which reads: "'I Love SEX' - God".
'Church pastor Dan Nichols told the Huffington Post: "What we want to do is let people know that the Bible is relevant to everyday life.
'"When it comes to sexuality... God is the the inventor, author and creator of it."
'Despite attracting attention with the billboard, the 26-year-old cleric said it's reception within the Christian community has been generally negative:
'"Evangelicals can be pretty divisive amongst themselves, we've gotten a lot of flack from other Christians."' - the Daily Mirror.
Thanks Cameron Boyd, Marty J and Mick Niller. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.