How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em
Said Alex Ferguson in May 2012: "We invest in young players. That is what we are good at - we're not like other clubs who can spend fortunes on proven goods. We know that Manchester City are going to pay stupid money, pay silly salaries and all that. We can't do anything about it."
How To Express Your Delight At Joining Man United
Radamel Falcao: "Manchester United is the biggest club in the world and is clearly determined to get back to the top."
Daley Blind: "It's an honour to sign for United. I can't wait to work at the biggest club in the world."
Marcos Rojo: "The Premier League is the most exciting league in the world and to have the chance to play in it for the world's biggest club is a dream for me.
Luke Shaw: "I'm very pleased and can't believe it has happened. Manchester United is the biggest club in the world and is always going to be up there with the best."
Ander Herrera: "I am 24 years old and this is the moment to come to the biggest club in the world."
That's it boys, just read from the script.
Mediawatch was under the impression that almost every football fan in England would be familiar with Radamel Falcao, a Colombian international striker who joined Monaco for €60m last year, having won back-to-back Europa Leagues with Porto and Atletico Madrid.
However, the Daily Mail have a different take on Falcao, reporting on Tuesday: 'Little-known even to fans of his new club until yesterday, Colombia's Radamel Falcao last night became the highest-paid player in English football after joining Manchester United on loan.'
Hmmm. Perhaps Mediawatch doesn't give itself enough credit for being a European football expert.
Social Media Experts
Tweeted Leeds' official account an hour before the deadline: 'Don't go to bed just yet...there is still work to be done #DeadlineDay #lufc'
Another tweet half an hour later read: 'CONFIRMED: Matt Smith completes move to Fulham for an undisclosed fee and signs a 3-year deal with the London club #lufc #Deadline Day'
Seven minutes later: 'BREAKING: We can confirm that striker Dominic Poleon has signed for Oldham Athletic for an unidsclosed fee & signs a 2-year deal #lufc'
Then, after keeping everyone up only to confirm two sales, Leeds delivered the wonderful punchline:
'After a busy last hour that is us done for the 2014 Summer Transfer Window #DeadlineDay #lufc'
It's safe to say supporters weren't best pleased.
'The beauty of transfer deadline day at BBC Sport towers is that you are never too far from someone with knowledge of the inner working of transfer deals,' wrote the BBC in their live blog on Monday.
'Today we have Owen Coyle in the office, and the former Wigan boss has clarified why striker Andy Delort has only today been officially confirmed as a Latics player, despite being paraded in front of fans on Saturday at the DW Stadium. His former club FC Tours had responded to Wigan showing off Delort by saying that a fee had not been agreed, but it now looks like it has all been signed off without problems.'
Yes, thank goodness Coyle was on hand to explain the situation. Although considering the BBC reported the story themselves over the weekend, perhaps they should already have known the reason for the hold up.
Insider knowledge: also known as 'reading the news'.
'How does Olivier Giroud become such an infinitely better player when injured?' asks the Daily Mirror's Dave Kidd. 'We endure months of people telling us he isn't good enough to lead the line for Arsenal. Then he breaks his shin and all we hear about is how sorely they miss him.'
The two opinions aren't mutually exclusive. It is possible to think Arsenal should have a better option than Giroud at No.9 and recognise that he's still a much better striker than Yaya Sanogo.
No need to thank us for clearing that up.
Charity Starts At Home
Mediawatch enjoyed the mass hysteria surrounding Arsene Wenger's charity obligations on deadline day, which was reported thusly:
'Arsene Wenger will struggle to be involved in any late-night transfer bids on deadline day, because he is taking part in a charity event in Rome' - the Daily Mail.
'Arsene Wenger set to sign...no one on transfer deadline day as manager heads to Rome to referee charity match' - The Independent.
'Arsenal set for barren deadline day with Wenger in Rome to referee charity match' - TalkSPORT.
'Arsene Wenger has stayed out of the transfer market - to fly to a charity event in Rome...It was another blow for Arsenal supporters to see their manager abandon transfer duty to go on the trip to Rome' - the Daily Mirror.
Granted, Wenger may not have signed the extra defender and midfielder Arsenal required but, having at least solved the club's striking shortage, Monday certainly wasn't the washout that was predicted.
Quote Of The Day
"The thing I am looking forward to most is the games. I'm looking forward to playing in the stadium with the fans" - footballer Daley Blind looks forward to playing football.
Non Sequitur Of The Day
'Falcao even has his own computer game - 'Falcao vs Aliens' - in which he saves the beautfiul game from sport-hungry aliens. But can he save United?' - the Daily Mail.
No S**t Headline Of The Day
'Remy accepts he may not be first choice ahead of Costa at Chelsea' - MailOnline.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'FAL'S GOLD' - the Daily Mirror.
'Healthy Delphy Muscles In' - The Sun.
Sad Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Five gecko lizards sent into orbit on a Russian space satellite as part of a sex experiment have all died, the Russian space agency says.
'The Foton-M4 satellite returned to Earth on Monday, the Roscosmos agency said in a statement (in Russian).
'Experts say the geckos may have frozen to death after the heating system broke down, Russian news agencies report.
'They were sent into space as part of a study into the effect of weightlessness on their sex lives and development' - bbc.co.uk
Thanks to Aidan Dunne, Tom Sperrink and Edward Vaughan. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.