MOTTY & LAWRO'S BIG YEAR OFF
"So Lawro, here we are at today's big event."
"Yes John, the 2-for-1 sale at Marks and Spencer's in Hull."
"Yes indeed, and there are plenty here hoping to snap up a bargain."
"The cardigans look tremendous value John."
"I like a cardie, Mark."
"At this level they're unbeatable I'd say."
"Yes I'm inclined to agree. Apparently this branch has sold 1,232 cardigans this year Mark. That's good cardigan form they're showing I'd say."
"You would."
"He he, yes indeed. Well things are underway here and there's an attack on the cheap underwear there. My goodness Mark, that's a huge bra the big woman upfront is holding there."
"Enormous John. You could milk her."
"She's certainly brought a certain presence to proceedings."
"Bloody big heifer. I bet she takes some feeding."
"But wait, look at that Mark. The old chap looking at socks seems to have tripped over his walking stick and had a heart attack."
"He's gone down too cheaply for me, John."
"You think he's dived there Mark?"
"Totally John. He looks foreign to me. They always fall over at a sale too easily."
"Well he's gone a funny shade of blue. The physio has rushed on...oh look at that Mark, well it's all happening here today. That's the biggest defibrillator I've ever seen."
"They're putting a few thousand volts into him John. His hair is on fire!"
"Yes indeed. Well it didn't look like much of tackle really but...well...I think he's seen his last action for today, Mark."
"Forever John. He's dead."
"My my, I think you're right Mark. Well there's bound to be a lot of added time for this stoppage, so it's back to you in the studio Ray. Oh. Shall we go to Bejams, Mark?"
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WHAT TO WATCH ON TV TONIGHT
Cooking Of The Day II, BBC2 7pm - 11.35pm
Wonder what the like of Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen get up to on the rare occasions that they get a day off (from golf)? Well, licence-fee payers can rest assured, as all your favourite moderately well remunerated in the context of the marketplace football pundits are not idle. First, 'sexy' new posh chef Valentine Warner shows Alan Shearer how to roast a lamb, but unfortunately they cannot think of anything to say to each other so the 1 hour 45 minute show passes in uncomfortable silence.
Next up, Alan Hansen is a guest on The Restaurant, teaming up with Raymond Blanc to review the contenders' attempts to run an eatery from scratch. That weird vaguely racist Yorkshire couple are in for a tough night when they flunk the challenge to showcase another country's cuisine by serving bananas with little Union Jack flags carved on them and dressing up in blackface in a misguided attempt to 'bring a bit of Caribbean flavour, like'.""Diabolical," says Alan. "Diabolique," agrees Raymond. "Dreadful," adds Alan. This goes on for quite some time.
Finally, Gary Lineker has a quick one off the wrist while watching Nigella (subtitled).
SPECIAL K
When I see Liverpool playing in Europe y'know, for me, it's like watching Liverpool in Europe only Europe is different these days and that puts a big pressure on Benitez to know where he is, where he's going and why, if you like, because I've always said if you know where you're going you won't get lost because no one wants to be up the creek without any port in a storm, not at this level, where you'll get found out if your paddle can't swim the tide. Shanks always said if you can't stand to eat get out and hit them and that's what I just told them in there in Asda, while buying cheese.
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With only 83 days left until Christmas, it's time to think about ways to make your school nativity play, carol service or family gathering one to treasure. The Tottenham Male Voice Choir perform traditional favourites like 'O Come All You Faithful, Sol Campbell Is Like Totally A W*****', 'Once In Royal David's City (I Saw Sol, I Hope He Dies)' and 'The Holly And The Ivy And The Evil Scumbag Who Changed Jobs That One Time'. All the family will love the atmosphere and joy we bring (except children and adults).
POLL:
We Asked 'Should Spurs Sack Ramos?'
32% said no. that's the kind of knee-jerk reaction that is ruining the game
32% said yes. a knee-jerk response was exactly what was needed to make everything better.
32% said who is Ramos? I thought Hoddle was in charge.
3% said yes, put him in a sack like John and Yoko. It's art.
1% said Frank Lampard
Alan Tyers and John Nicholson
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