Big Sam And Reidy: Worshipped
It's been quite a week. We'd taken the Thai lads up to Phuket to get them fit like. Reidy got them running a lot. He's not bothered about football is Reidy, he just likes running around and to be fair all the players can run - all except one lad who has a clump foot but Reidy reckons that'll be useful for making hard tackles, like.
Reidy got into a fight with a couple of the lads who wanted to kick a ball around. He told them that football is all about running and that he'd played for England despite being rubbish at football so it obviously wasn't important and running is what matters. Some of the lads' ears were bleeding after he'd shouted at them for two hours without stopping.
So to cool off we rented an elephant and went off into the jungle like. Well, we'd heard that there was some top-notch drinking to be done with some of the tribes and I like a good tribe as I'm a big fan of that Bruce Parry adventurer bloke off the telly. Sometimes I'll tape a load of his programmes on that digital box thing, crack open a nice bag of tripe and just sit and watch them for hours. I especially like it when he vomits; I know my vomit and that lad is top-notch. I got my UEFA coaching badge in projectile vomiting and hold the Lancashire All-Comers record for throwing up a curry and ten pints of lager over 31 feet so I know what I'm talking about.
So we end up in the middle of nowhere and out comes this tribe with gourds on their danglies. Obviously they thought Reidy was my monkey and when they saw him they turned to me and sank to their knees and began kissing my feet. This sort of thing never happens in Bolton unless you pay for it.
So they bring me the special ceremonial drink to toast my high status as a Big Monkey Owner. Reidy was very annoyed but when he saw the drink turn up he decided to shut up. It was some sort of fermented spider beer, I think. Delicious.
Then the Shaman turns up, eats a big mushroom and starts crying and pointing at us and then at the sky. As Reidy pointed out, he looked in top condition and had massive feet so we made a mental note to sign him up for poor Moyesy at Everton.
Then they built an effigy of me out of elephant dung and danced around it.
I checked Prozone and discovered I am the only top manager to be the centre of a hallucinogenic mushroom-eating tribe's religion, apart from that year that Sir Alf was worshipped as a deity by three blokes in Ipswich. Proof once again of my class. This is how I got where I am today, naked in a jungle, drinking out of a penis gourd and being chanted at by tribesmen.
Special K
I don't regret anything that I don't regret and I don't regret anything that I do regret either because y'know, if you go through life regretting things, that's something you'll later regret and no one wants that. I know people think Kevin Keegan is all about passion and he's someone I know and I know he's more than that and that's y'know to be regretted really and that's what I just told them in there; in the doctors, having an elastic band put on my piles.
Motty and Lawro's Big Year Off
"So Mark, how do you think this one will go?"
"I expect it to be a noisy affair John."
"Yes I think that's guaranteed. You can't dig up a road and lay tram lines without making a bit of a racket, that's for sure."
"As my old mum used to say, you can't muffle a drill."
"Had she tried to muffle a drill Mark?"
"No."
"He he. Well it's a splendid day for it here on Leith Walk in Edinburgh. And the big Polish lad gets us underway. My, he looks like he means business today Mark."
"Tremendous bit of drilling that. Hacked the road up a treat."
"Yes he's showing good form. Really putting his back into it."
"He's putting the local lads to shame John."
"Yes, I think he's been training hard for this one Mark."
"Normally I don't like foreigners, but he's class."
"Yes you're a bit of a right winger really, aren't you Mark?"
"Hitler was very misunderstood John."
"Well interestingly this Polish lad's family had the Nazis in their back garden in 1939, Mark."
"Exactly, and it hasn't done him any harm has it? And I like the uniforms."
"Very smart, you've got to give the Fascists that."
"I look great in a long leather coat John."
"Err...yes...well...back to the match then Mark. There's tarmac all over the place now. Not a good playing surface I fear. Oh look at that, just look at that!"
"That's a controversial decision John."
"Yes indeed Mark, the foreman has stopped the drilling and a skinny lad has been despatched to Greggs to get pasties."
"And a sandwich or two I should think John."
"Yes, meat-based I would imagine, in this all male macho environment."
"Of course. Eating vegetables is a sign of being gay in Scotland."
"He He. You may be right. Well play has come to a standstill, so it's back to you in the studio Gabby. Gabby? Oh."
Poll: We asked 'Have you ever seen a Scottishman eat a vegetable?'
43% said Hoots mon no.
37% said Aye, and a canny wee deep fried courgette it was too, the nicht.
22% said Jings no, help ma boab, it's for shirtlifters.
12% said What is a vegetable?
8% said What is a Scottishman?
1% said Frank Lampard.
John Nicholson and Alan Tyers
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