Marxist Football Today
Sir Alex Ferguson has waded into a widening political schism at Manchester United as tensions reached boiling point during the recent defeat by Everton.
After Manchester United conceded the third goal, Gary Neville gathered the team together in the centre circle for an impassioned reworking of Trotsky's 1926 speech to the Session Of The Central Control Commission.
But his attempts to ignite the team were cut short by Rio Ferdinand, who counter-argued skilfully and aggressively with a series of readings based on Milton Friedman's 'The Definition of Money: Net Wealth and Neutrality as Criteria.'
An infuriated Neville denounced Ferdinand as "a Capitalist attack dog whose inability to pass the ball was as indicative more broadly of his opposition to the redistribution of wealth."
Rio countered: "Credit crisis or not, I is well rich innit. Thusly Marx is been well merked."
After the game, Sir Alex Ferguson physically inserted himself between the warring team-mates in an effort to calm the ideological dispute.
He told members of the press: "I am a socialist, a bulwark between Ferdinand's free market greed and Neville's oppressive centralized state model. I am also angry."
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Special K
When I look at Wayne Rooney I don't see a human being I see a football because he's the sort of lad who eats shoots and leaves the game every day and you've got to admire a lad who breathes like he does it's all natural to him and it's only when he starts thinking about it that y'know he stops breathing and starts being mortal and for a kid like him that'd be fatal and that's what I told them in there in the poodle parlour while grooming a Schnauzer.
Joey - My Future
Joey Barton has revealed that he wants to be a role model - for other criminals.
The combative Newcastle united midfielder admits that being in prison has changed his life.
"Prison taught me a lot of things," he said. "And I want to pass those on to younger lads, so they can avoid making the same mistakes I made."
"Stuff like getting caught on camera, doing crimes in front of 50 people, that sort of thing," he explained.
"Being in the nick made me realise how much I don't want to be in the nick again."
"It's almost impossible to do proper crimes in there, you see," he added.
Poll: We Asked, Which Football Figure Would You Least Like To Share A Cell With
32 per cent said Joey Barton, in case he took agin you
27 per cent said Danny Cadamarteri, in case he liked you
21 per cent said Jonathan Woodgate, what if there was a pub-style quiz, he'd be hopeless
11 per cent said Thaksin Shinawatra, in case he made you go to Manchester
8 per cent said Eduardo, he might have drunken monkeys with him
1 per cent said Frank Lampard
Alan Tyers and John Nicholson
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