From the Acts of the Special One, chapter 22, verses 6 to 33
6 And it came to pass, that, as I made my journey, and was come nigh unto Chelsea about July, suddenly there shone from heaven a great light round about me.
7 And I fell unto the ground, and heard a voice saying unto me, José, José, why persecutest thou me?
8 And they that were with me, Rui Faria and Silvino Louro, saw indeed the light, and were afraid; but they heard not the voice of him that spake to me.
9 And I answered, Who art thou, Voice? And he said unto me, I am the Spirit of Football, whom thou persecutest.
10 And I trembling and astonished said, Voice, what wilt thou have me to do? And the Voice said unto me, José, couldst thou stop being such a dick?
11 And I said to the Voice, What do you mean? And he said unto me, This whole Special One nonsense has to stop. José, thou persecutest me, thou defies me, thou kickest against the pricks.
12 And the Voice added, Plus, it's getting kind of old. And doesn't quite fit the circumstances under which thou was sent from Madrid.
13 And I answered, But the media adore me! For they have missed my dimpled smile, and my twinkling eye, and my happy knack for concealing the utter contempt in which I hold them behind the aforementioned smile and twinkle.
14 And I added, They even bringeth me custard creams!
15 And the Voice said, Yes, well, that's not really the point. The point, José, is that football is meant to be fun, and thy on-field and off-field negati-
16 And I said unto the Voice, You know, that might just work.
17 And the Voice said, What?
18 And I said unto the Voice, Perhaps a new image might be a good idea. I could even make out that other managers are being all hot-headed, the way I used to be.
19 And the Voice said, Er, that's not entirely what I meant.
20 And I said unto the Voice, Even better, it might help with Rooney!
21 And the Voice said, No, hang on -
22 And I answered, In fact, that's brilliant. Just before we play them, I'll say that I'm waiting to make another bid for ethical reasons.
23 And the Voice said, Well, that doesn't quite make sense, does it? Because when thou announces that thou intends to make a bid, thou hast told the player a bid is coming, so even though thou sayest thou is being ethical, thou isn't. Ist not. Ain't. Whatever.
24 And I replied, Excellent idea, thank you. I'll get right on it.
25 And the Voice said unto me, Oh, for God's sake, I washest my hands of thou. Go into Chelsea; thou deservest one another.
26 And when I could not see for the glory of that light, being led by the hand of them that were with me, I came into Chelsea.
27 And one Roman Abramovich, a devout man according to British libel law, having a good report of all the fans which dwelt there,
28 Came unto me, and stood, and said unto me, Brother José, receive thy sight. And the same hour the scales fell from my eyes, and I looked up upon him.
29 And he said, Would you like your old job back?
30 Then I fell into in a trance, and I slept for many days, and in my dreams I looked on the face of God;
31 And I knew peace, for He smiled, and He blessed me, and His face was as my own.
32 And I awoke, and brought Jon Obi Mikel on to shield the defence and make sure of the point.
33 And I saw that it was good.
Andi Thomas - you can follow him on Twitter, you know