What Happened On Transfer Deadline Day

Arsenal signed Mesut Ozil. Mesut f*cking Ozil. Elsewhere, Manchester United were 'represented' by some frauds, Liverpool kick back & nobody hears from Joe Kinnear....

Last Updated: 03/09/13 at 10:17 Post Comment

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* Arsenal signed Mesut Ozil. Mesut f*cking Ozil.

* Manchester United squeaked through a £27.5million deal for Marouane Fellaini in the final few minutes, with David Moyes' apparent strategy of waiting until his £23million buy-out clause expired because he thought he could get him for less paying off spectacularly. That United officially announced the fee as 'undisclosed', while Everton very pointedly revealed the value of the deal, tells you plenty about who's happier with that one.

* That wasn't the funniest thing to happen at Old Trafford on Monday, mind. All day, United were said to be keen on Athletic Bilbao midfielder Ander Herrera, and around lunchtime word came through that they eventually agreed to trigger his €36million buyout clause, then we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Then there was talk of three Manchester United representatives showing up at the Spanish league headquarters to pay the 'deposit' on the player, emerging an hour later having handed no money over, citing 'bureaucratic' problems with the deal.

And then, finally, it not only emerged that the deal had collapsed, but that the 'Manchester United representatives' were nothing of the sort. They were frauds. Imposters. Hucksters. It's not entirely clear at present who they were, and where they went, but the best guess is they were sneaky agents trying to get a piece of the deal. It's actually not even entirely clear whether United were even seriously in for Herrera, although if they weren't presumably a public statement would have been released by now. Whatever the truth, we can be pretty sure it was a shambles.

* United also failed in a last-minute bid to bring Fabio Coentrao on loan from Real Madrid. When was the last time United loaned anyone? Henrik Larsson?

* At about 10.30, it looked very much like Everton were, in the words of Sonny Corleone, just going to be standing there with their dick in their hands. Fellaini was on the way out, the Gareth Barry deal appeared to have stalled because Manchester City wanted to sell him, Romelu Lukaku looked to be heading back to West Brom and Dave Whelan was ringing round his Big Book Of Media Contracts to bully some more money out of the Toffees for James McCarthy.

An hour or so later, and the signings of Barry, Lukaku and McCarthy had all been confirmed, giving them one of the better deadline days in the Premier League.

* Arsenal signed Mesut Ozil. Mesut f*cking Ozil.

* Nobody mentioned Newcastle. Nothing. Not a sausage. Reports that Joe Kinnear woke at 5.30pm in the middle of a pile of cans, Crunchie wrappers and take-out boxes, stared at his blinking alarm clock, groaned, decided the day was a write-off and went back to sleep, are presently unconfirmed.

* Amid the understandable joy at the Ozil deal, it is worth remembering that Arsenal were trying for most of the day to sign a striker, but didn't manage to do so.

* Liverpool wrapped up all their business by noon, and spent the afternoon doing origami and platting each other's hair.

* Arsenal signed Mesut Ozil. Mesut f*cking Ozil.

* West Brom pulled the plug, very late doors, on a £5million move to Hull for Shane Long. The Irishman is said to be not terribly impressed.

* Sh*t went down at Crystal Palace. They managed to get Jack Hunt, Adrian Mariappa, Barry Bannan, Jimmy Kebe and Cameron Jerome through the door, and at the time of writing it's yet to be confirmed whether Adlene Guedioura's move from Nottingham Forest was ratified in time. Andy Johnson showed up ahead of a proposed move from QPR, but that wasn't completed in time.

* Mark Hughes continued one of history's great love stories by signing Stephen Ireland. David Bentley is surely not far behind.

* At 11pm, having been outside the QPR training ground since the early morn, Sky reporter Gail Davis finally got her interview through Harry Redknapp's window. Davis looked increasingly troubled as the day continued, not helped by some increasingly 'rambunctious' youths hanging quite threateningly around the gates. And all to confirm the loan signing of Benny Assou-Ekotto.

* Speaking of Benny, presumably it wasn't that difficult to persuade him to drop down a division. They probably told him QPR were still in the Premier League. He wouldn't check.

* Peter Odemwingie provided Sky with some more stock footage to replace him hanging around Loftus Road in his Range Rover, by signing for Cardiff. On the recommendation of his father-in-law, apparently.

* Gareth Bale was struck with nerves and apparently forgot how to do keepy-uppies at his Real Madrid presentation. £86million wasted, then.

* Arsenal signed Mesut Ozil. Mesut f*cking Ozil.

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