PL Diary: The 11 Mistakes Of Jose Mourinho

Jose Mourinho's '11 mistakes' have been widely interpreted as meaning his 11 players, but Alex Netherton & Andi Thomas have been granted exclusive access to his notes...

Last Updated: 19/11/13 at 12:46 Post Comment

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Alan Pardew beat Chelsea 2-0 on Saturday, with the assistance of some bit-part players currently trading under the name Newcastle United until Mike Ashley gets a better offer. His words said that he was certainly not taking credit for Yohan Cabaye's assist, but his eyes glinted with the kind of narcissism not seen outside of internet comments by readers. Mourinho, however, wasn't happy at all. In fact, he said that the performance was so bad he hadn't been so angry since he'd, 'last read internet comments by readers.' Hang on, that's an error. He said he made, '11 mistakes.' That was widely assumed to be a comment about the eleven players he chose to start the match, but we've got secret access to the notes he made throughout the game, and present his real 11 mistakes.

1 - I feel really guilty about hurting Juan Mata's feelings
Why do I do it? Every time I come to a club I persecute a player to demonstrate my authority, and every time I feel sick with guilt. Mata's such a good guy and yet I bully him in training and in the press. I'm so ashamed, but I'm so insecure. With this face, with this smouldering-yet-sensitive visage, it's hard to believe. If only it wasn't for my suaver, salt-and-pepperier older brother, Pablo.


2 - Have I turned the iron off?
Oh no. I remember plugging it in and ironing my shirt in a hurry. Did I turn it off? I need to text my wife to ask.


3 - I wore a suit
My gravest error. Against Arsenal I wore a tracksuit. I played it like I could barely be bothered to dress, let alone work out how to show up the opposition. My feigned casual approach suckered Arsene Wenger. But today, I've worn a suit. Newcastle know they're up against it now, and I've inspired them. Next time - nude. Nobody beats a nude manager. However politely you ask.


4 - Managing Chelsea instead of Newcastle United
Such a rookie mistake. If I'd made the choice to manage Newcastle United then I would have won the game 2-0. What an error to have managed the team that lost.


5 - I just remembered the time I called Eva Carneiro, 'Mum' when we were in the dressing room at half-time
Kill me.


6 - Not responding to Pardew's advice to Cabaye
I saw Cabaye. I saw Pardew. I saw the two of them discuss it. Pardew told Cabaye to send a cross in over the top for Gouffran to head the ball into the goal, and I made an unforgiveable error. I should have told Petr Cech to save the ball, or better still, have told Branislav Ivanovic to do his defending well. I am a fool. In fact, the biggest mistake was not taking a swing at Pardew when I had the chance. Catch him cold while he was chatting to the French guy. Bam. Down he goes. Jose wins again.


7 - Why do people say vertical and lateral in football? Maybe if I'd learned we'd be winning
Some nob has just shouted from the crowd that we're not playing vertically enough. I speak five languages and I can't make sense of it. If they mean direct when they say vertical, they might have a point, but why are they saying vertical? These people are bien pensants, the kind of people who read the Guardian football pages without shame. These people are the ones into Total Shot Ratios and pass completion stats, who can't put a thought into meaningful context. These are the people who want a maths degree instead of genuine insight into football. These are the people who prefer tedium and posturing above actually enjoying the game. That's my biggest mistake today - ever bothering with English-speaking football fans. The worst people in the world are football pseuds and people who are into football stats, but are not clever enough to do anything compelling with it.

I'll turn all the pitch diagrams sideways. Where's your vertical now? Oh look, it's gone for a throw-in.


8 - I really haven't turned the iron off
Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.


9 - Do irons explode or do they melt?
Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.


10 - I shouldn't have acted like such an arsehole for the last few years. I might be managing Manchester United right now
Chinning a journalist is entirely justifiable, so is booting one up the arse. That's a given. But accusing Cristiano Ronaldo of lacking education, inspiring death threats against referees, traducing the good name of some of my opponents, poking that bloke in the eye... well, I suppose I can now see why United didn't offer me the job. Having said that, being able to shoosh Liverpool's fans was a singular, amazing joy. But that won't sustain me. My ego is what drives me, and my ego is what drives me to provoke. Ah, the duality of man, ever my curse. Never has the id, the ego and the superego ever been better illustrated by me, Roman Abramovich and Michael Emenalo.


11 - Going out on a Saturday
It never helps. You get dressed up. You make an effort. You go into the city. You have your optimism at the start and you have it crushed at the end. You never learn. You deserve everything you get.

Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton

You can follow Andi on Twitter here, Alexander on Twitter here, and buy last season's Diary here.

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