PL Diary: The 11 Mistakes Of Jose Mourinho

Jose Mourinho's '11 mistakes' have been widely interpreted as meaning his 11 players, but Alex Netherton & Andi Thomas have been granted exclusive access to his notes...

Last Updated: 19/11/13 at 12:46 Post Comment

More of the games that matter

Upgrade in minutes or watch with a NOW TV Day Pass.

Alan Pardew beat Chelsea 2-0 on Saturday, with the assistance of some bit-part players currently trading under the name Newcastle United until Mike Ashley gets a better offer. His words said that he was certainly not taking credit for Yohan Cabaye's assist, but his eyes glinted with the kind of narcissism not seen outside of internet comments by readers. Mourinho, however, wasn't happy at all. In fact, he said that the performance was so bad he hadn't been so angry since he'd, 'last read internet comments by readers.' Hang on, that's an error. He said he made, '11 mistakes.' That was widely assumed to be a comment about the eleven players he chose to start the match, but we've got secret access to the notes he made throughout the game, and present his real 11 mistakes.

1 - I feel really guilty about hurting Juan Mata's feelings
Why do I do it? Every time I come to a club I persecute a player to demonstrate my authority, and every time I feel sick with guilt. Mata's such a good guy and yet I bully him in training and in the press. I'm so ashamed, but I'm so insecure. With this face, with this smouldering-yet-sensitive visage, it's hard to believe. If only it wasn't for my suaver, salt-and-pepperier older brother, Pablo.


2 - Have I turned the iron off?
Oh no. I remember plugging it in and ironing my shirt in a hurry. Did I turn it off? I need to text my wife to ask.


3 - I wore a suit
My gravest error. Against Arsenal I wore a tracksuit. I played it like I could barely be bothered to dress, let alone work out how to show up the opposition. My feigned casual approach suckered Arsene Wenger. But today, I've worn a suit. Newcastle know they're up against it now, and I've inspired them. Next time - nude. Nobody beats a nude manager. However politely you ask.


4 - Managing Chelsea instead of Newcastle United
Such a rookie mistake. If I'd made the choice to manage Newcastle United then I would have won the game 2-0. What an error to have managed the team that lost.


5 - I just remembered the time I called Eva Carneiro, 'Mum' when we were in the dressing room at half-time
Kill me.


6 - Not responding to Pardew's advice to Cabaye
I saw Cabaye. I saw Pardew. I saw the two of them discuss it. Pardew told Cabaye to send a cross in over the top for Gouffran to head the ball into the goal, and I made an unforgiveable error. I should have told Petr Cech to save the ball, or better still, have told Branislav Ivanovic to do his defending well. I am a fool. In fact, the biggest mistake was not taking a swing at Pardew when I had the chance. Catch him cold while he was chatting to the French guy. Bam. Down he goes. Jose wins again.


7 - Why do people say vertical and lateral in football? Maybe if I'd learned we'd be winning
Some nob has just shouted from the crowd that we're not playing vertically enough. I speak five languages and I can't make sense of it. If they mean direct when they say vertical, they might have a point, but why are they saying vertical? These people are bien pensants, the kind of people who read the Guardian football pages without shame. These people are the ones into Total Shot Ratios and pass completion stats, who can't put a thought into meaningful context. These are the people who want a maths degree instead of genuine insight into football. These are the people who prefer tedium and posturing above actually enjoying the game. That's my biggest mistake today - ever bothering with English-speaking football fans. The worst people in the world are football pseuds and people who are into football stats, but are not clever enough to do anything compelling with it.

I'll turn all the pitch diagrams sideways. Where's your vertical now? Oh look, it's gone for a throw-in.


8 - I really haven't turned the iron off
Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.


9 - Do irons explode or do they melt?
Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.


10 - I shouldn't have acted like such an arsehole for the last few years. I might be managing Manchester United right now
Chinning a journalist is entirely justifiable, so is booting one up the arse. That's a given. But accusing Cristiano Ronaldo of lacking education, inspiring death threats against referees, traducing the good name of some of my opponents, poking that bloke in the eye... well, I suppose I can now see why United didn't offer me the job. Having said that, being able to shoosh Liverpool's fans was a singular, amazing joy. But that won't sustain me. My ego is what drives me, and my ego is what drives me to provoke. Ah, the duality of man, ever my curse. Never has the id, the ego and the superego ever been better illustrated by me, Roman Abramovich and Michael Emenalo.


11 - Going out on a Saturday
It never helps. You get dressed up. You make an effort. You go into the city. You have your optimism at the start and you have it crushed at the end. You never learn. You deserve everything you get.

Andi Thomas and Alexander Netherton

You can follow Andi on Twitter here, Alexander on Twitter here, and buy last season's Diary here.

More of the games that matter

Upgrade in minutes or watch with a NOW TV Day Pass.

Related News

Most Commented

Readers' Comments

S

till reckon Chelsea will go for Khedira as back up for Matic. I think it will turn out to be quite a Mourihno-y window: We'll see the squad players and youth in action pre-season, say things like well, we need not buy anybody and then the club will bid £60m for Pogba and send everybody on loan.

tk421
F365's Transfer Guide - Part One

I

would love to be a fly on the wall at the meeting between Milner and Rodgers. I don't know if flies can count, but if they can then I would be counting the number of times Rodgers used the word outstanding in his attempts to get Milner to sign.

godzilla
Reds and Arsenal chase Milner

W

ell, it wouldn't be a summer without Arsenal fans fretting over losing a key player, and United throwing their weight around and muscling in on transfer deals which are (apparently) near to completion. If we can't be entertained by the football on the pitch, let's enjoy the silly off-pitch soap opera of the transfer season. Hurrah!

CamberleyGooner
The Back To It Gossip

Footer 365

Costa 'so happy' at Chelsea - Mourinho

Jose Mourinho has dismissed claims Diego Costa is unhappy at Chelsea, insisting he is 'responsible for the good atmosphere' at Stamford Bridge.

Sepp Blatter 'under investigation' in United States

Outgoing FIFA president Sepp Blatter is being investigated by US authorities probing the corruption scandal, according to reports.

Tottenham willing to listen to offers for Benjamin Stambouli

Tottenham are willing to listen to offers for Benjamin Stambouli - but have not yet received any bids for the player.

Mail Box

Liverpool 2015 Feels Like Liverpool 2011...

One Mailer says Benteke = Carroll, Bellamy = Milner and Clyne = Downing. Plus we have U21 Euro impatience, farewell Rio, Rafa Benitez, Milner, FIFA and title play-offs...

Calling Carlo For Liverpool... Please

One Liverpool Mailer wants a manager who isn't starstruck by the job. Plus why Milner has now become overrated, play-offs for the title, Ronaldinho and democracy..

© 2015 Sky Ltd. All Rights Reserved A Sky Sports Digital Media company