Oh god, this sh*t again?
Once more, The Daily Mirror claims an EXCLUSIVE! with their story that a player is on his way out of a football club because he's missing from their official calendar.
Once again, this calendar has been available to purchase from little-known boutique internet store Amazon since October 15, so quite how EXCLUSIVE! the story is, we're not entirely sure.
Anyway, you probably know the form by now, but The Daily Mirror reports: 'Manchester United winger Nani has been left off the club's official 2013 calendar - fuelling rumours he'll be heading out the Old Trafford exit door in the New Year.'
At the risk of repeating ourselves, other players missing from the calendar include David de Gea, Anders Lindegaard, Rafael, Patrice Evra, Rio Ferdinand, Phil Jones, Jonny Evans, Chris Smalling, Anderson and Darren Fletcher. Presumably they're all off too, right?
It's perfectly possible that Nani will leave United in the summer, but his presence or otherwise on a f*cking calendar does not indicate this one way or the other.
Still, people will click on it, so we guess that makes it a story...
We know you probably don't have to have the strongest attention span to work for The Daily Star, but Paul Brown excelled himself in this morning's story about David Luiz having words with his Chelsea team-mates.
Brown writes: 'Luiz has often been criticised and was one of several players below par in the 3-1 thumping at West Ham that has turned up the heat on boss Rafa Benitez.'
Indeed, so little impact did Luiz have on the game that it appeared he wasn't on the pitch. Which is because he wasn't - Gary Cahill and Branislav Ivanovic were the centre-back pairing as Luiz was suspended.
We wouldn't mind so much, but it was Brown who wrote the Star's match report for the game in their Monday edition.
Just Put The Heating On, Tony
Michael Owen is not injury prone. He said so himself. Hell, it's in a brochure, so it must be true.
However, since he has managed just 53 minutes over four sub appearances for Stoke, it doesn't help dispel these obviously lazy conclusions that everyone else has reached.
And neither does the following from Tony Pulis:
"Michael was doing some work in the gym and just felt his hamstring. I think it was just the cold."
So there you have it - Michael Owen can now be injured by a slightly chilly gym.
Writes Ian Wright in The Sun:
'Arsenal's 2-0 defeat to Swansea on Saturday was another massive blow and the less said about my former team the better.'
Unfortunately, Ian doesn't take his own advice and continues for a further 211 words.
I Don't See Nuthin' Wrong
Said Arsene Wenger during his press conference on Monday:
"Do you want them to dance after they have lost?"
Actually, that sounds like a great idea - it could be a punishment, and a way to cheer up a disgruntled support. In the centre circle - possibly a polka or, if they've lost particularly badly, an R-Kelly style bump n' grind.
'Awwwww' Tweet Of The Day
'The @PremierLeague have announced the next sequence of TV games for February - and we are not scheduled to be televised' - The Reading official Twitter feed makes us want to give them a big hug.
Contradictory Statement Of The Day
"I didn't provoke it. I was just doing my job" - Photographer Paddy Cummins gives his take on why Andy Carroll may have attacked him for taking pictures of him on West Ham's Christmas bantz-filled night out.
Optimist Of The Day
"In the position we're in, we're looking for wins but we are two games unbeaten now" - Ryan Nelsen takes the positives from going a whole 180 minutes not getting hugely pumped.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Famous woman pregnant shock' - The Metro Herald say what we're all thinking.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Super Ba on double Tyne' - The Daily Star.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A traffic policeman who spent £5,000 on breast implants for his former girlfriend is suing her for compensation after she dumped him. Model Patricja Pajak, 24, says she broke off with police officer Lukasz Molovik's because he was obsessed with the size of her breasts. "I didn't want the surgery but Lukasz kept going on about it and saying how big his ex's breasts were," she complained. "He kept showing me pics of her and pressing me to have an enlargement. Because I loved him, I agreed. But he was more in love with my breasts than with me," she added.
'Now Mr Molovik, of Lowicz in Poland, is suing his ex for half the amount he spent on her boobs. Lawyers say he is suffering from "loss of use" of the 32 DD boobs after Miss Pajak broke up with him. "To be frank about it, I didn't spend all that money so some other man can ogle her boobs instead of me," Mr Molovik said' - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Eamonn Young, James Dart and Mathieu Stangre. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.