Ah Look, A Blacked-Up Child
On the off-chance you didn't see this when it was doing the rounds on Tuesday, here's a young Leeds fan's special tribute to El-Hadji Diouf, with inexplicably delighted approval from the man himself.
While The Watch Is Away
Mediawatch has been away, but the papers have still been churning out red-hot bullsh*t.
Take Michael Walker in The Daily Mail, who wrote last week:
'It is QPR vs Liverpool tomorrow and it is over eight years since Djibril Cisse cost the Anfield club £14million. His move was not considered a success, particularly when he went from September 25th to May 15th in his first season without scoring.'
Factually accurate. Cisse did go for nearly eight months without a goal. But while Mediawatch is not usually minded to be fair to Djibril, he did spend six of those months out after shattering his tibia and fibula against Blackburn. He said afterwards that - had it not been for prompt medical attention - he may have lost his leg.
All of which probably hampered his goal-scoring ability. A tad.
Innocent Until Proven To Be A Handy Intro
Hey, remember that time Mark Clattenburg was accused of racially abusing a couple of Chelsea players, but it turned out to be, at best, an allegation with no substantial evidence to back it up?
You probably do, but if you didn't then don't worry - the papers are here to remind you.
The back page of The Daily Mail reports 'Clattenburg comes under fire again', while Mark Irwin in The Sun spends the first three paragraphs of his match report for West Ham v Norwich discussing the incident.
Irwin writes: 'The man accused of making inappropriate comments to Chelsea's John Obi-Mikel found his judgment being questioned again.'
Quick question - what the shuddering f*ck has that got to do with anything? Clattenburg, having come through a huge threat to his career over something he very probably didn't do, is trying to move on. Chelsea are trying to move on. Everyone is. The 'more controversy' angle may have been relevant if Clattenburg had actually done something wrong. But he didn't. So why keep bringing it up, tarring him by association with an allegation?
Lord. It's not as if Clattenburg doesn't provide enough ammo to have a right old pop.
Good work from The Daily Mail, who go all Chicken Licken on Manchester City fans, telling them that the sky is surely falling in/Sergio Aguero's injury is Very Bad News.
'Aguero injury could rock City's hopes' reads their headline.
The paper reports: 'The Argentina striker is expected to miss the FA Cup tie at home to Watford this weekend and the trip to Arsenal in the League on January 13. But City first-team coach David Platt suggested that his lay-off may be even longer.
'Platt said: "It's difficult to assess an injury like that for how long it's going to be."
So 'Erm, I dunno guv' becomes a portent of doom. OK. Good.
Oddly absent from the paper is Roberto Mancini's words on the subject:
"I don't think it is serious. It is his hamstring for sure but maybe he won't play in the FA Cup. We will try to recover him for Arsenal."
Location, Location, Location
Hats off to The Daily Mirror, who have found the most pointless and least interesting EXCLUSIVE! of all time.
The paper excitedly informs us:
'Premier League star Wes Brown has cut the price of his country mansion by £1million after failing to sell it for two years.'
That's it. That's the story. Man has trouble selling expensive house, man takes the perfectly reasonable step of dropping the asking price a bit. Nothing more to it.
Chaps, we're only interested in property news when it's presented to us by a phenomenally posh but curiously attractive lady named Kirsty. So until then...
October 12: Edgar Davids joins Barnet, leading to suggestions that he will push head coach Mark Robson aside. Director of football Paul Fairclough says: "There are cynics in football. Ninety-nine per cent of football clubs would have sacked their head coach by now but we have faith in Mark and feel he is a perfect fit for the club. It's a job for life for Mark with his ability as he is a highly qualified technical coach."
December 29: Robson is sacked.
Hideous Intro Of The Day
'After a very Merry Christmas, Andre Villas-Boas celebrated an Ade New Year' - Paul Jiggins in The Sun.
Ladies Man Of The Day
"I am living in Manchester now, because in Liverpool, the women were crawling for me. It was too much. In Manchester, people don't recognise me that much and tend to treat me in a more respectful way. I don't want to be a star. I just want to play football" - Where did it all go wrong for Marouane Fellaini?
Quote Of The Day
"Obviously the manager saw something in him" - Rio Ferdinand on the shrewd eye for a talent that led Sir Alex Ferguson to sign Robin van Persie.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man declared dead after he went missing 19 years ago has been sent packing again - by his furious wife. Igor Faber, 47, disappeared during a hike in the Tatra mountains near his home in Poprad, Slovakia, in 1993. But after months of searching rescue teams told his grieving wife Renata he was missing presumed dead. Unknown to his wife and their two children, Faber had simply walked out to start a new life. "He was finding family life tough and wanted to start again. He didn't give a thought for his wife and children," said one family friend.
'But this month Faber was found living in a homeless shelter in Prague during a routine check on missing persons. Now wife Renata has refused to take him back after being contacted by police. "How can I take him back after all this time? Life has moved on. The children have a new father, I have a new husband," she said. "If he couldn't be bothered to contact us then I don't see why I should change my life again. Clearly he didn't want us so now we don't want him." A family friend added: "He is in a bad position now but it's his own making. His new life didn't work out and his old one doesn't want him back" - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Thomas Nuttall-Jones and Daniel Tilles. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.