It's happening again. For a second day in a row, the national press have lost their collective sh*t over a minor issue that really should have disappeared about an hour after it occurred. The lead story in every national newspaper, with the honourable exception of The Times, is some variant on the Hazard story.
Obviously all these stories are awful and make us think that a 100-year power cut in Wapping might not be the worst idea in the world, but the nadir is The Sun's back page.
'THE STORY THAT'S ROCKED FOOTBALL' belches the banner above the main headline, that reads: 'WARNOCK TAUGHT US 'BALLBOY TACTICS''.
Oh good lord.
The story is based on the following quotes from Aston Villa's Matt Lowton, who was once upon a time a ballboy at Sheffield United when Neil Warnock was the manager.
Lowton said: "We were schooled in how to use a little gamesmanship to help the team. It was part of our apprenticeship under Warnock. He wanted us to study the first team and get a feel for how things were done at that level.
"He even taught tactics for ballboys. He reckoned we had an important role to play when big clubs came to Bramall Lane. He taught us when to get the ball back quickly - and when not to!"
Read that banner again. The 'story that's rocked football'. Nothing involving a ballboy will ever ROCK football. Unless the ballboy in question is drafted in as a substitute and scores a hat-trick, or removes a skin-suit and turns out to be Shergar. Especially not some 17-year-old half-booted in the ribs by a daft player keen to get the ball off him.
We asked nicely yesterday, and we're polite so we'll ask nicely again - stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
The Icarus Line
We say The Sun's abominable back page is the worst, but Henry Winter's piece in The Daily Telegraph takes a good pop at the top/bottom spot too.
He writes: 'Frank Lampard's compassion towards Morgan reflected that the midfielder, a true leader, realised that this was another PR disaster for a club who have endured a few. Lampard's fine behaviour was another reason why Chelsea are mad not to keep this soulful, responsible ambassador.'
Firstly, are we really praising people these days for 'realising kicking a ballboy isn't ideal'? Once again, we're reminded of Chris Rock's sermon on getting credit for stuff you're supposed to do.
Also, Demba Ba and Juan Mata ran over to check on young Master Morgan too. No mention of their 'compassion' by Winter. Anyone one would think this was just another example of a journalist treating Lampard like the most put-upon, unjustifiably incarcerated prisoner in the Bangkok Hilton, rather than an expensive 34-year-old whose club are adhering to his existing contract.
Winter then goes on to say: 'At one point, as Benítez argued that Morgan was effectively a product of a "Big Brother culture", discreet inquiries were made over whether the Spaniard was referring to George Orwell or Jade Goody. Benítez had a legitimate point, though, about youngsters' obsession with becoming celebrities. Note to Morgan. Read up on Icarus.'
Rangers fans and chief executive Charles Green have spent last few months trying to portray themselves as the victims of the rest of Scottish football, but now something truly sinister is afoot.
Rangers have already refused to take tickets for the forthcoming Scottish Cup tie at Dundee United, due to the latter being one of "certain SPL clubs, which were actively engaged in trying to harm Rangers," according to Green.
However, according to Rangers Supporters Association General Secretary John McMillan, things have taken a new turn for the worse.
He said: "I was anticipating the United supporters doing something but I didn't think they would stoop to this.
"It's out of order and Dundee United as a club should do all they can to prevent their fans from carrying this threat through.
"The majority of Rangers fans will not be at the game and observe the boycott but unfortunately I'm certain some of them will go to Tannadice so this is a recipe for trouble.
Sounds like a grave matter indeed. What could be so inflammatory that it is a "recipe for trouble"?
Well, it seems some Dundee United fans plan to wear masks depicting former Rangers owner Craig Whyte.
McMillan continued: "It's inflammatory to wear these masks and it's disgraceful to even be thinking about it.
"This game is already raised tensions and I fear any move to mock our support could have serious consequences."
What a dreadful business.
You Little Rascal
All is not going brilliantly for Scott Carson at Bursaspor, it seems.
Still, after this howler, the last thing you need is some smart-arse - in this case Fenerbahce forward Semih Senturk - taking the piss.
We Know, Steve
Writes Steven Howard in The Sun:
'Football365 should vet its correspondence a little closer.
'Yesterday it had an e-mail from United fan Drew Peacock...'
Gung-Ho Quote Of The Day
"If we play like we did against West Ham, I think we can beat Brighton" - Lukas Podolski sets his sights high ahead of Arsenal's game against the Championship's seventh-place team.
Tweet Of The Day
'People asking if I 'hate' Sunderland? I don't hate the place. I just hope I never have to go there ever again. In my life. #nufc#safc' - Carl Cort (we think it's him) nails his colours to the mast.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Zaha so good' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'In Florida, there are violent people, naked people, poopers and masturbators - but rarely is one man the total package. When Tony and LaDonna Land discovered naked carnival worker Gregory Matthew Bruni on their roof, the night had just begun. Bruni, 21, allegedly assaulted Tony Land, trashed the couple's North Fort Myers Home, and then defecated and masturbated inside the house, WTSP reports. The Lands told police they were in their bedroom at around 7 p.m. Monday when they heard a noise that sounded like thunder, according to Fox 4 Now. Tony went outside and says he saw Bruni on top of the roof, completely naked. Bruni allegedly jumped down on top of Land, ABC 7 reported, then knocked him over by hitting him in the shoulder.
'The Lands say Bruni ran into the house, pulled a big-screen TV off the wall, and spilled the contents of a vacuum onto the floor. Around this time, LaDonna grabbed a gun and began firing at the nude intruder. She missed, and the couple called 911. "I don't know who the hell he is - he's naked and he ran into my damn house," Tony can be heard saying on the recording. The Lands told authorities that after shots were fired, Bruni began whacking the mole in their living room before heading into their son's bedroom to rub some clothing on his face. When deputies arrived, they attempted to control Bruni, who they say was wildly flailing around and speaking nonsensically. They also discovered that Bruni had defecated on the floor in two spots within the home. At some point during the ruckus, investigators say, Bruni sucked up the contents of the vacuum, then spit it back out' - The Huffington Post.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Nate Hyle. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.