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The Page That Is Utterly Destroyed

Even the hoardings have started to troll Arsenal, Gareth Southgate can't find a match-winner and Theo Walcott is better than just about anyone...

Last Updated: 20/02/13 at 12:53

Do we all want to answer in unison?


Quote Of The Day
"We have to go there and play completely like we play at home" - Really, Arsene? Really?


Expert Analysis
Gareth Southgate on ITV ahead of the Arsenal-Bayern game: "Although Bayern are a solid team, they don't have any match-winners and the Arsenal players won't be looking at a certain player and thinking he could cause problems. There's no one there that you think 'wow, he could rip us apart on his own'."

For a team without match-winners, they've won an awful lot of matches: 27 so far this season.


Pace, Vision And Trickery
Last week it was Wayne Rooney who was described by The Sun as 'valiant, heroic throughout' during Manchester United's draw with Real Madrid. This week's over-praised Englishman is Theo Walcott.

Walcott - rightly given 5 out of 10 by the Daily Mirror and Daily Express - is given 8 (eight) out of 10 by The Sun, who describe him thus: 'Arsenal's brightest hope with his pace, vision and trickery - but the speedy striker suffered from a lack of service on a difficult night.'

That 8 made him better than any other Arsenal player and indeed nine of Munich's starting XI on the night.

Mediawatch's instinct is to trust its eyes on such matters - and we saw a player way out of his depth who too often made the wrong decision or slowed down play. But we like to be thorough and so checked the stats:

* Walcott used his pace and trickery to dribble past one player. He was dispossessed on three other occasions.

* Walcott used his vision to create one chance in 90 minutes - the volley Olivier Giroud hit straight at Manuel Neuer.

* Walcott used his vision to find a teammate with one of his crosses - for the volley Giroud hit straight at Neuer.

* Walcott used his pace to be offside exactly the same number of times (1) as he took a shot (1).

Clearly loads better than Bastian Schweinsteiger, Javi Martinez or every single member of the Bayern defence who kept him quiet.


Mediawatch Rewind
Remember this from November in The Sun?

'THEO WALCOTT does NOT feature in Arsenal's official 2013 calendar - fuelling speculation he is ready to quit the club.'

Excuse Mediawatch for a second while we indulge in a nostalgic slow hand clap.


Pep Talk
From Sami Mokbel in The Daily Mail: 'Pep Already On To A Winner: By the way Bayern popped the ball about last night, incoming manager Pep Guardiola won't have to work too hard, or spend too much money, to implement his tiki-taka style at the Allianz Arena when he arrives in the summer. It was not quite the Barcelona passing carousel, but it was lovely to watch nonetheless.'

While Bayern were certainly impressive on Tuesday, Mediawatch thinks it wasn't the ideal time to talk about their transition to Guardiola's 'tiki-taka style'. As well as recording their lowest amount of possession in any game this season, Bayern's pass completion rate of 79% against Arsenal was significantly below their season average.

Mind you, Sami Mokbel also thinks Laurent Koscielny started at left-back.


Back Of Poldi
The Daily Mail's Martin Samuel agrees with just about everyone else that Arsenal have less chance of reaching the quarter-finals than Mediawatch has in its attempts to woo Emma Stone.

However, Samuel also adds: 'And if, by some miracle, Arsenal do turn this tie and their season around, the revival will have hinged on one tiny bit of good fortune, marvelled over for years to come.

'It will concern a corner that never was, and a goal that never should have been, that dragged Arsenal momentarily back into a game, having been outplayed for long periods.'

Marvelled over for years to come? Forgive us, but 'Back of Poldi' hardly has the same ring to it as 'Hand of God'.


Minute Details
Note to Steven Howard of The Sun: Don't write that 'the first Arsenal fans started to leave after just 19 minutes' because Arsenal were 'already two goals down' and then repeat that Arsenal 'went 2-0 down in 19 minutes' right next to a graphic that clearly shows Bayern scored their second in the 21st minute.


Wake Up Boo
John Cross in the Daily Mirror: 'It is not enough anymore for Gunners fans who booed them off at half-time.'

Henry Winter in the Daily Telegraph: 'Arsenal fans remained restrained at the break, the main boos directed at the referee, Svein Moen.'

Conclusion: It's impossible to know who or what anybody is booing. It's simply a ridiculous sound made by idiots.


Apology Of The Day
Back page of The Sun on Sunday, February 17: 'WAR: JT and Rafa in angry bust-up'.

Page 59 of The Sun, February 20: 'AN article in The Sun on February 17 "War: JT and Rafa in angry bust-up" carried a story about an alleged dressing-room row between John Terry and Chelsea manager Rafa Benitez following the team's 3-2 defeat at Newcastle. The article alleged that there was an "angry bust up" between the pair which left their relationship at "breaking point". We now accept that no such row took place. We are happy to set the record straight and apologise for any embarrassment caused.'

You're sorry for making things up? Well that's okay then.


Headline Of The Day
'MUNICH TEAR FESTIVAL' - The Sun.

Worst Headline Of The Day
'FORL GUY' - It's about Andrea Orlandi, it's in The Sun and it's awful.


Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A woman from Colombia poured boiling water onto her husband's genitals as he slept after finding out he had been unfaithful, it has been claimed. Yolivel Lopez allegedly tipped the scorching liquid on top of Nefer Netan's private parts after receiving a call from his mistress saying they had just had sex, the New York Daily News reported.

'El Meridiano reports that Netan arrived at his home in the early hours of Tuesday morning after saying that he had been out for a few drinks with friends. Lopez allowed him to fall asleep, before going to the kitchen where she filled a pot with water and placed it on the stove to heat up. Once boiled, she carried the pot into the bedroom and tipped it onto her husband's genitals.

'Neighbors in the town of Martinez, near Cerete in north-east Colombia, said Netan's screams 'pierced the night sky' and he was taken to hospital for treatment. But, according to El Meridiano, doctors said his penis was 'utterly destroyed' in the incident' - Indian Express.


Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Gavin Little. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at theeditor@football365.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.

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