Cut Out And Advertise The Sun
Mediawatch is sickened. We presume you will join us in our sickenedness when you see the front page of The Sun, which is a truly remarkable (and we mean that in the sense of 'truly remarkably f***ing awful') cut-out poster for 'landlords, shopkeepers and fans' of Paul Gascoigne, featuring a picture of the alcoholic former footballer and the words 'DON'T GIVE THIS MAN DRINK'.
Of course, this poster - complete with handy scissor path - happens to include the masthead for The Sun and details of the 'Awesummer' holiday promotion which offers 'HOLS FROM £9.50'. This should apparently be displayed by every shopkeeper and landlord in Britain. Not to promote The Sun and their 'Awesummer' holiday promotion, you understand, but to save the life of an alcoholic.
'Displaying this front page on licensed premises could stop the England legend drinking himself to death,' they claim. So basically, if you don't display this shameless advert for The Sun, you have killed Gazza. You will have that on your conscience. But the good news is that at least you'll have one.
Question Of The Day
If you freely admit that your story ('JT GETS BEATEN IN DIG MATCH') is garnered from a tweet sent by Anton Ferdinand to his 339,455 followers, how can you in all good conscience call it an 'EXCLUSIVE'?
Ah, when you're The Sun, of course.
Worried Of Chester
Michael Owen is worried. We know this because he's told Sportlobster (nope, us neither), resulting in headlines of 'Michael Owen worried about England future', 'Owen worried about the future' and 'Not fielding our best U21 players is harming the future of the national team, says England legend Owen'. The latter is from the Daily Mail, of course, who fail to include the information that England legend Owen himself has a grand total of one England Under-21 cap.
"It's worrying that our senior team apparently needs them so much that our young national teams have to suffer in such a way," said Owen, who was presumably not quite so worried during the 2000 European U-21 Championship when England crashed out at the group stage with a strike pairing of Carl Cort and Francis Jeffers while the 20-year-old Owen was busy crashing out of the senior European Championship at the group stage.
"Excuses aside, the truth is that we're falling short of the level expected at present and I'm concerned about the future of all our national teams," continued Owen.
So England legend Michael Owen is concerned about the 'future' of our national team because we're falling short 'at present'? Is he 'concerned' that future England internationals will match his own legendary medal haul of absolutely f*** all?
Mediawatch rather likes German football expert Raphael Honigstein so it is with some reluctance that we bring you a series of tweets from his account this fine Thursday...
'I'd be absolutely astonished if Thiago Alcantara came to Bayern. Don't see where/how he would play...'
'I don't see Bayern making that move. Would be nuts, imo.'
'Still nothing from Bayern sources on Thiago Alcantara. I'd treat the story of him joining with extreme caution, to say the least.'
'Pep's press-conference is in 90 mins. I'll tune in.'
'Pep: "I want Thiago Alcantara. Have asked (Bayern to get him) Don't know what will happen".'
'"Thiago is the only player I want, that's what I told them"'
'"It'll be him or no one"'
We assume Herr Honigstein is suitably 'astonished' right now.
According to free newspaper Metro: 'Spain international Alvaro Negredo was the top scorer in La Liga last season with 25 goals.'
According to everybody else: 'Haven't you forgotten a couple of really quite handy footballers?'
Two, Three, Four
Mediawatch was slightly confused by David Moyes' confusion about the number of times he had met Wayne Rooney this summer, cited as "two, three, four times already". It's not easy to confuse meeting somebody twice and meeting somebody four times, but Moyes seems to have pulled it off.
But thankfully for the new Manchester United manager (that still sounds weird), The Sun is on hand to clear things up: 'DAVID MOYES has held FOUR meetings with Wayne Rooney to convince the unsettled star to stay at Manchester United."
See, David, it was FOUR.
A Change Is Gonna Come
Manuel Pellegrini appeared in front of the British press for the first time on Wednesday and spoke of a new era at Manchester City where youth was paramount and big spending was secondary. "We have to have a different style in the club and that is why I am here," he said. "It is impossible every year to buy three, four, five players. We need to work with young players, the under-21s."
Mediawatch assumes the Daily Star's Duncan Wright had drifted off at that point, dreamt that Manchester City were set to 'break the bank' to sign Ronaldo, shrugged and ran with it anyway. After all, they did Luis Suarez yesterday, so it was time for another Ronaldo 'exclusive'.
Reach For The Stars
According to The Sun, Tottenham are 'ready to give Aston Villa the pick of four stars in part-exchange for Christian Benteke'.
How very generous. Who are these four stars being offered as part of 'an audacious cash-plus-players swoop'? Aaron Lennon? Kyle Walker? Mousa Dembele?
Nope, the four stars are Benoit Assou-Ekotto, Scott Parker, Jake Livermore and Tom Huddlestone, who started a grand total of 42 Premier League games last season.
Mediawatch is pretty sure that Tottenham are 'ready to give' that little lot away to anyone with a shiny 10p piece, never mind a £25m-rated striker.
Movement Of Wigan People
Headline in the Daily Mirror: 'Joel joins exodus to Goodison'.
That will be the Joel Robles who joined Everton from Atletico Madrid, right? We're not sure you can 'join an exodus' from a club where you had a loan spell, fellas.
Headline Of The Day
'You're Fayed!' - The Sun nail the 'topical cultural reference + accurate pronunciation' headline logarithm.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Jozy: 'I'm not dozy' - The Sun. You will not be surprised to learn that nobody has even vaguely accused Jozy Altidore of being dozy.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Hamilton man repeatedly arrested for public indecency has again been indicted after a child saw him engaging in sex with a rubber raft last month, according to police. Edwin Charles Tobergta, 34, of 1320 Harmon Ave., was arrested June 17 for allegedly stepping out his back door naked at about 1:20 p.m. and having "sexual relations with a rubber pool float," according to the Hamilton police report. Tobergta was inducted by a Butler County grand jury today for pubic indecency, a fifth-degree felony. If convicted, he faces 12 months behind bars.
'Tobergta is currently in the Butler County Jail for violation of his community control in a 2011 conviction for misdemeanor public indecency. In August 2011, Tobergta, was arrested at his home after he was seen engaging in sexual conduct with a pink inflatable swimming pool raft, according to police records. The incident allegedly occurred in an alley behind his home. The witness, who was the owner of the raft, reported to police that the suspect took the raft with him after being shouted at to stop, according to records. Tobergta has been arrested at least five times previously for similar offenses, according to Hamilton Municipal Court records' - Norwalk Reflector.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Olly Cole, Paul Brady anmd Jonathan Jones. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.