BALE STUFF FIRST
Right, this is at the top so if you're bored by the Bale stuff, you can skip down. OK? We'll be as quick as we can.
The Sun reports that Daniel Levy's valuation of Bale keeps going up and up, setting a price of a whopping...well, here's the paper to explain:
'The Spurs supremo does not want to do business that involves any Real players as makeweights and is determined to hang out for cash with his latest valuation hovering around a staggering £125million.'
By contrast, a couple of other papers seem to think that a player exchange would be just what they're after, specifically if that player is called Luka Modric.
The Times is of that opinion, as is The Daily Mirror, who report:
'The hard-line stance initially adopted by the White Hart Lane club's chairman, Daniel Levy, over Bale is softening as the price Real are willing to pay escalates beyond all expectations.
'So far, left-back Fabio Coentrao and winger Angel Di Maria are the players Real have been prepared to offer up in addition to stacks of cash.
'But Di Maria does not want to go to the Londoners, and now Modric has emerged as a surprise target.'
Finally, The Daily Mail says Bale doesn't want to risk his relationship with the Spurs fans by asking for a transfer. Which seems rather trivial in all this.
SUAREZ WILL COST £50m
Sorry, more saga stuff.
The Daily Mirror reckons Arsenal will have to pay £55million for Luis Suarez after the uncertainty over his contract was resolved. And by 'resolved' they mean 'Liverpool don't have to sell him for £40million.
A 'Liverpool source' told the paper: "We are 100 per cent confident - there is absolutely no obligation to sell and that is very clear.
"We've all examined the clause in detail. All it obliges is good faith negotiations about Luis's future."
BARTON WANTS EVERTON MOVE
Here's something new.
The Daily Mirror goes big with talk that Joey Barton wants out of QPR, he wants out of Marseille, and he wants in to Everton.
So much so, that he's apparently willing to take a 50% pay cut to make the move happen.
The paper claims: 'Barton is back at Queens Park Rangers after a year in exile on loan at French side Marseille, and Hoops boss Harry Redknapp is even considering playing him in Saturday's Championship season opener against Sheffield Wednesday.
'But the fiery midfielder's agent has made contact with the Goodison club's new manager Roberto Martinez to ask if they want him.'
No word on what their response was, mind.
Meanwhile, The Daily Star claims Everton are more interested in James McCarthy, offering £15million but Wigan seemingly want something closer to £20million.
LIVERPOOL FACE COMPETITION FOR RONDON
Quick line from The Daily Express, who report that Liverpool 'have competition' for Rubin Kazan forward Salomon Rondon.
The paper claims Brendan Rodgers has been looking at the striker as a potential replacement for Luis Suarez, but Borussia Dortmund are also keen, as they plan for life without Robert Lewandowski.
However, here's the caveat: 'According to Spanish publication Marca, Dortmund have already initiated early contact with Kazan to enquire about his price tag.
'They also suggest that Kazan would want to recoup as much of the £8.7m they forked out for him to take him from Malaga.'
AND THE REST...
Liverpool have made a fresh approach for Schalke's 21-year-old Greek central defender Kyriakos Papadopoulos....Sunderland are closing in on the £1.25m signing of winger Charis Mavrias, 19, from Panithinaikos, paving the way for James McClean to join Celtic...Chelsea have told German champions Bayern Munich that it will cost them £60m to sign Brazil star David Luiz...West Ham are set to make a move for Sporting Lisbon's former Chelsea defender Khalid Boulahrouz, 31, but will have a £5m bid for Norwich's Scotland winger Robert Snodgrass rejected...Reading boss Nigel Adkins wants to sign Cardiff striker Etien Velikonja, 24, on loan, while frontman Simon Church is in talks with Charlton after being released by the Royals...
Wigan have made a £500,000 bid for unwanted 27-year-old Norwich City defender Leon Barnett...West Ham want to sign striker Loic Remy from QPR and will revive their interest in Chelsea's Demba Ba if Remy is unwilling to move...Hull City boss Steve Bruce is leading a six-way race to sign former Manchester City midfielder Abdisalam Ibrahim...Lyon striker Bafetimbi Gomis, 27, claims he has agreed terms on a move to Newcastle - but the French side will refuse to lower their £9m asking price...Cardiff City have made an £8m bid for Spurs defender Steven Caulker...
Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner is a target for European sides Malaga, Hamburg and FC Twente...QPR are in talks with Dinamo Moscow over the £1.5m sale of left-back Armand Traore, with French side Bordeaux also interested...Stoke will send England international keeper Jack Butland out on loan this season as they become increasingly confident Asmir Begovic will stay...Meanwhile, Spurs looked to have edged ahead of Roma in the race to sign Steaua Bucharest defender Vlad Chiriches who is valued at £6.8m...Liverpool defender Martin Skrtel is set for talks with Napoli, now managed by former Reds boss Rafael Benitez.