What a strange spread in The Sun this morning.
'MANUEL...1 MAN U...0' blerts their headline. 'Pelle's slickers fire title warning to rival fans.'
The first heart-sinker is the confirmation of the shortened version of Manuel Pellegrini's name that we're going to have to put up with for his time at Manchester City. We're trying not to imagine what sort of horrific puns/laboured portmanteaus they're going to come up with for 'Pelle.'
Secondly, it's 1-0 to City? Really? So United beat the team that finished ninth last season, won a cup and have since bought Jonjo Shelvey, Wilfried Bony and Jose Canas 4-1 away from home, while City beat the team that finished two points off relegation, whose most significant summer recruit was Joe Kinnear and whose best player was missing 4-0 at home...and City have done better?
We're looking forward to The Sun's arbitrary league table, which will presumably be governed by the 'quality' of pun they can eke out from their manager's name.
INT SIMON BRILLIANT!
Noted Jordan Henderson after Liverpool's win over Stoke:
"I thought Simon was brilliant with two brilliant saves at the penalty and the follow-up after that.
"That was magnificent. He has been brilliant since he came in. He was brilliant at Sunderland when I was there and he has been brilliant since he came into the club and he will get stronger and stronger."
"It was a brilliant save and it will do him the world of good".
That Went Well
April 19: Charles Green stands down as Rangers chief executive.
August 2: Green returns to Ibrox in a 'consultancy' role. "Mr Green's role will be to promote the interests of Rangers Football Club," says a club statement. "Specifically assisting with shareholder relations and advising the company on its capital structure."
August 3: Green insists that Ally McCoist must win promotion and a trophy to provide 'value for money.'
August 20: Green stands down from his consultancy role.
Writes John Cross in The Daily Mirror, about Arsenal and Arsene Wenger:
'The manager could not have foreseen an injury crisis which would deprive him of Thomas Vermealen, Nacho Monreal, Mikel Arteta and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain...'
Yeah, Arsenal and an injury crisis. Who could possibly have seen that coming?
Our old friend Bill Howell of The Birmingham Mail? clearly hit the ground running this season, if his match report for Wolves' win at Bristol City is anything to go by.
Here's the intro to said report: 'David Icke used to immerse himself in it, shell-suited head to foot.
'Danny Glover was in a Steven Spielberg film of it.
'Mini pop-star Prince made an album out of it. Jimi Hendrix sang about it.
'Roman Emperors, Roman Catholic bishops. George VI and Elizabeth II... Royalty and piety.
'A deep rich shade between crimson and violet.
'Purple. From the Old English word purpul, which derives from the Latin purpura. A dye from the mucus secreted by the spiny dye-murex sea snail.
'Suffragettes and anti-apartheid protesters. Grapes, eggplants and pansies. Mountains in China and Ireland. Take it or leave it but ignore purple at your peril.
'Heaven knows why Wolves wore their second kit at Ashton Gate.'
As anyone who scours European papers as much as Mediawatch knows, online translation tools can be...iffy, at best.
However, we're choosing to believe the following translation from the official blurb of Dennis Bergkamp's upcoming book is absolutely correct and genuine.
For those Dutch speakers among you, it reads: 'Eindelijk, Dennis Bergkamp praat, honderduit, over zijn gelukkige jeugd in Amsterdam-West, zijn relatie met Johan Cruijff, Louis van Gaal en Arsène Wenger, over zijn gloriejaren bij Ajax en Arsenal, de mislukkingen met het Nederlands elftal, de crisis bij Inter, over vliegangst, de felle machtsstrijd en de Nieuwe Orde bij Ajax, over het maken van wonderschone goals en de wiskundige zekerheid dat een stiffie een grotere trefkans biedt dan een droge knal. En over de boot van Maradona.'
And for those whose Dutch is a little rusty: 'Finally, Dennis Bergkamp talks, incessantly, about his happy childhood in Amsterdam-West, his relationship with Johan Cruyff, Louis van Gaal and Arsène Wenger, his glory years at Ajax and Arsenal, the failures with the Dutch national team, the crisis at Inter, about fear of flying, the fierce power struggle and the New Order in Ajax, about making beautiful goals and the mathematical certainty that a stiffie offers a greater chance of success than a dry bang. And on the boat Maradona.'
Dennis, you scamp.
Rap Of The Day
You'll probably have already seen this, but here's John Barnes rapping 'Rapper's Delight' at Mark Wright's birthday party. Joyous scenes.
Celebration Of The Day
Two players celebrate a goal with fire helmets. Obviously.
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Craven Scott-age' - The Sun.
'Pelle-wini' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Public health doctors in Iowa issued a warning after a woman bought a tapeworm online and swallowed it in a bid to lose weight. The woman's family doctor was so stumped by the case that he had to call the state health department for guidance. The agency told the doctor to have his patient de-wormed by way of some special medication that kills the parasite, reports the Des Moines Register.
'Dr Patricia Quinlisk, medical director at the Iowa Department of Public Health, recounted the incident in an e-mail to public-health workers. "Ingesting tapeworms is extremely risky and can cause a wide range of undesirable side effects, including rare deaths," she wrote. "Those desiring to lose weight are advised to stick with proven weight loss methods; consuming fewer calories and increasing physical activity" - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Gary Ella and Michael Hoyland. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch in the subject field.