Panic! Outrage! The WAGs are back and journalists aren't happy. No siree.
'England's players shipped in the WAGs on Thursday night as they prepared for the crucial World Cup qualifier against Moldova,' writes Neil Ashton in the Daily Mail, with seemingly no shame in describing human beings as material goods. Stick 'em in a freight container, they'll be alright.
'The Grove Hotel in Watford played host to the wives and girlfriends of England's players just hours after they arrived at their London base,' continues Ashton.
'The scenes were reminiscent of the 2006 World Cup in Germany, when wives and girlfriends stayed en masse at the Brenners Park Hotel in Baden-Baden.'
Without wanting to dismiss what is certainly an important match against Moldova, Mediawatch would argue that the players spending time with their partners on Thursday is hardly the same as the distractions at the 2006 World Cup.
And the only thing that suggests 'the scenes were reminiscent of the 2006 World Cup' are the pictures of partying WAGs from 2006 that the Mail have used to accompany the story. Does Ashton's following description of the evening paint a picture of poor preparation?
'Although the women could not gain access to the annexe that specifically houses the England players, some were seen openly wandering around the hotel and the grounds with their respective partners.'
Openly wandering around. Oh, the shame. They should neither be seen or heard, ghastly creatures that they are.
'Although they were not allowed to stay in the England players' rooms, the FA conceded there was nothing to stop the WAGs booking their own rooms at the hotel,' writes Ashton.
'An FA spokesman said: "No-one has broken any rules."'
See, there isn't a problem. You know there isn't problem because you've written that there isn't problem, so spare us the bulls**t.
Ban This Sick Filth
In the interest of balance, Mediawatch should add that the Daily Mirror are also in uproar over WAGs at the England hotel.
'Some players were spotted holding hands with their partners at the hotel, which the FA claim that families are allowed to stay in ahead of the game,' writes John Cross.
Psst, John. Come round the back of the bike shed and we'll show you what else they get up to.
State Of The Nation
Despite the brouhaha over England's problems this week, with those pesky foreigners again blamed for all the national team's problems, it feels as though something has been missing. It's international week...it's Friday...that can only mean one thing: Jeff Powell, come on down.
Powell's Daily Mail column kicks off with a quip that England fans should bring their boots tonight given how few players Roy Hodgson has available. But it's not a laughing matter:
'Because there appears to be no knowing how many English professional footballers will be there.'
We'll take a wild stab and guess that the answer is 'enough'. Probably 11 to start with and maybe a few more later on.
Powell then gets to the heart of the matter. The damning incident that occurred in the past week that proves just how low England have fallen.
'This is what England - the mother country of the greatest game - has come to. A sorry state,' he writes.
'It has reached the stage where the manager of the national team - once the most important figure in the land (forget any recent Prime Minister) - is given an over-flow seat as an after-thought when he goes to a match at one of our most famous clubs.
'Liverpool claimed that the failure to accommodate Roy Hodgson in the directors' box for the game against Manchester United - a rarity of a match these days since several Englishmen were on the pitch - was 'a mistake.' Whatever.
'When the attendance of the England manager is over-looked it tells us something about the status of the national team. There's something very wrong.'
Yes, there's something very, very, very, very wrong. Or, on the other hand, Hodgson's spot of bother at Anfield means the square root of f**k all about the status of the national team.
Mediawatch would like to leave it there, but it would be remiss of us not to include one final paragraph.
Powell continues: 'The feeding frenzy of the fans demands new foreigners - at any price no matter how good or ordinary they may be - and even Arsene Wenger has had to surrender to the howl of that mob. Wither England, down now to a puddle rather than a pool of players?'
That mob? Forgive Mediawatch for being a cheeky young whippersnapper, but it was only a few weeks ago that Powell was lauding Jesus Navas' arrival and with it the return of good old-fashioned wing play.
Perhaps it's wrong to 'demand new foreigners' but perfectly acceptable to enjoy them when they're reminding you of Sir Stan and Tom Finney.
One Of Two Things
Writes Steven Howard in The Sun: 'That Roy Hodgson feels he has to rely so much on the two oldest members of the squad for the World Cup double-header with Moldova and Ukraine says one of two things. That either Gerrard and Lampard are improving with age or that we are even worse off for young players than we thought.'
Or it could say two players who played 109 matches between them last season, as Howard goes on to write, are unsurprisingly the best options available to Roy Hodgson, along with Jack Wilshere.
It turns out Greg Dyke's goal of England winning the 2022 World Cup is only the second most ridiculous target of the week.
'You might want to make that 2042, Greg,' writes Paul Jiggins in The Sun.
'Gareth Southgate's reign as England Under-21 boss got off to a winning start thanks to Saido Berahino's 13th-minute strike. But his kids made hard work of overcoming the minnows of Moldova.'
Let's just write them off now, shall we?
Headline in the Daily Mirror: 'Southgate Kids Flop'
They won, you absolute cretins.
"I was disgusted to notice #MoyesOut trending on Twitter an hour after the 1-0 defeat at Liverpool,' writes Robbie Savage in the Mirror.
'Three games in and it has already started. Hopefully the intelligent United fans will have nothing to do with such knee-jerk reactions.'
So says the man who has made a song and dance about changing his Premier League predictions after three matches.
Headline on Mirror.co.uk: 'Manchester United made a mess of my first transfer window admits Ed Woodward'
Shouldn't that be the other way round?
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Moldova Legover!' - The Mirror make a mess in their pants.
'It'll Be Ja Not Nine' - The Sun on Mesut Ozil vowing to end Arsenal's eight-year trophy drought.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'An outraged Stormont minister has called for an investigation after a naked woman was caught striking a series of lewd poses at a famous beauty spot.
'Scores of walkers at Cave Hill turned away in disgust yesterday afternoon after coming upon the pornographic photoshoot at one of the distinctive caves on the mountain.
'One rambler told the Belfast Telegraph that the blonde was doing "typical glamour modelling poses - nothing tasteful".
'Now Social Development Minister Nelson McCausland has called for Belfast City Council to investigate.
'One witness said that he had been sitting down for a rest at around 2.30pm when he noticed what was going on. "I was sitting drinking my juice and eating my Turkish Delight when what caught my eye was this girl with long blonde hair and a bright pink tracksuit and pink shoulder bag," he said.
"I thought that looks really odd, it's not the way you would come up Cave Hill."' - the Belfast Telegraph.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Kevin Connolly. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.