'SHACKLED' screams the back page of The Sun, who apparently have the 'WORLD EXCLUSIVE' that 'MARK HALSEY today claims football authorities demanded the right to stop him publishing his explosive book on what it is really like to be a top referee'. They quote Halsey as saying: "I was offered a £50,000 pay-off to leave at the end of the season but it came with a clause."
That clause would mean that he was SHACKLED.
And that clause - standard across all retiring referees - was discussed by Halsey himself on his first appearance on BT Sport a month ago. It was explained again in Monday's Daily Telegraph: 'When referees leave the service, they are granted a £50,000 severance payment. But only if they sign a confidentiality agreement indicating they will not talk about any aspect of their refereeing life.'
So The Sun have a 'WORLD EXCLUSIVE' about a standard clause that Halsey has himself publicly discussed. It's clearly not Halsey who should be SHACKLED.
Fanboy Quote Of The Day
"I'm really excited about it, but then I've been really excited about joining Man United" - David Moyes. Will he get a souvenir sticker?
In The Zone
Not everybody is a hipster; not everybody knows all about European football. Thankfully for those little Englanders, there's the Daily Mail and Martin Keown's Euro Zone.
Taking us through the groups (well, those with British clubs anyway, natch), expert Keown informs us that 'it's never easy to beat a German side'. Which is presumably why the Bundesliga is littered with draws. He also predicts that David Moyes will do just fine in Europe because he 'watches a lot of European football'. Which will be a relief to anybody worried about his apparent lack of Champions League experience.
Man City are also predicted to advance, with Keown revealing that 'they will want to put down a marker' against Bayern Munich. We'll think you'll agree that this stuff is invaluable.
Chelsea will of course also go through, mostly because Jose Mourinho 'will be really up for it' and, basically, he wants to win the Champions League. This will undoubtedly give them an edge over all those other managers and players who are not so keen. But Keown does sound a note of caution that 'Schalke is a diffcult place to play', presumably because it's never easy to beat a German side.
Arsenal also have the 'experience and quality to progress', though Keown does warn that 'they may struggle without a striker'. Does he know something that we don't know about Olivier Giroud? The Gunners 'could probably have done without playing Marseille away from home in the first match', mind. Is this the same Arsenal who have won their last nine away games in all competitions?
As an added bonus, Keown also provides us with his insight on Europe's 'hotshots'. He really puts his testicles on the line by tipping Neymar/Messi and Ronaldo/Bale for great things this season. Mediawatch has made a note of the unfamiliar names.
Talking Of Experts
Here's Teddy Sheringham on Man United signing Marouane Fellaini: "I think Fellaini is too similar in a way to Michael Carrick, but I love Michael Carrick as a player, he makes things tick. It makes you think, "where is Fellaini going to play?" If you spend 28 million on someone you'd expect them to be playing."
Is Sheringham the only man west of Donetsk who does not know that United needed a central midfielder?
In The Dark
'When Manuel Pellegrini sat down with Manchester City's powerbrokers to discuss his plans to transform their club from Champions League flops into serious contenders, he had no idea it would all begin here,' writes Chris Wheeler in the Daily Mail.
So the new City boss didn't know the Champions League draw in advance? Sack him.
'GARETH BALE needs to score a "worldy" for Real Madrid in tonight's Champions League tie in Turkey. Anything less will leave Cristiano Ronaldo the undisputed champion in their celebrity showdown,' writes Mick Dennis in the opening line to a Daily Express column that breaks totally new ground with a comparison between the two players. Literally nobody has ever written about this before.
Apparently there have been four 'rounds' in this 'celebrity showdown' and Ronaldo has won them all by a) not carrying a plastic bag, b) tackling Bale in training, c) joking with the press after Bale scored his debut goal and d) signing a new deal.
You might wonder whether Bale would care about this 'celebrity showdown'? Well, Dennis does wonder, writing in the 14th paragraph of his column: 'He probably does not even realise that he is in a contest for top billing with Ronaldo, but less that he is losing it.'
So he needs to score a "worldy" in order to win a round of a contest he doesn't know or care about contesting? Riiiight. And there we were thinking he might want to score an excellent goal because he's a footballer. Silly Mediawatch.
In The Land Of Giants
"Modibo Maiga's got other strengths, he's very good in the air for such a short lad," says Kevin Nolan of Hammers striker Modibo Maiga.
Only at a Sam Allardyce side could a 6'2" man be considered a 'short lad'.
"I need British players," says Sunderland boss Paolo Di Canio. "I need the quality, the intensity. I need the fire."
Players brought in by Di Canio this summer: 13.
British players brought in by Di Canio this summer: 0.
Funny how he's decided he needs British players when he finds himself bottom of the Premier League, isn't it?
Headline Of The Day
'Jonjo Shelvey 2 Jonjo Shelvey 2' - Football365.com.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'SES IS FULL OF DI-SIRE' - The Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Drink-driving on pavement on child's motorised trike lands pig shed builder in jail' - Hull Daily Mail.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A toothless man has been found guilty of biting his neighbour's penis 'like a sandwich' until it bled after an argument over loud music. Jason Martin, 41, who only has one or two teeth, bent over and bit Richard Henderson, 39, after receiving a text message asking him to turn his music down. As the pair argued, a fight broke out and Martin bit down on Mr Henderson's genitals with so much force he required stitches. Martin strenuously denied the charges and said: 'The thought of putting a man's penis in my mouth. Well, it's not for me. Not in a million years would I do it.' He only admitted to grabbing Mr Henderson's 'bits and bobs' as he tried to defend himself during the scuffle' - The Daily Mail.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Peter Lamb and Ben Waterhouse. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.