The World Is Treating Me Bad
The Sun's Mr Grumpypants Steven Howard was in particularly party-pooping mood on Tuesday night at the Emirates. While the rest of the stadium rejoiced at this wonderful display of slick football, Howard was of course looking for the fly in the ointment, the chef's hair in the lovely soup, the fanny fart in the epic love-making.
'What now for Jack Wilshere, so-called saviour of England?' he begins.
Well, West Brom on Sunday we suspect, Steven.
Wilshere did not start against Napoli on Tuesday night, you see. And Arsenal were rather good. Cue hysteria blended with misery.
'The Arsenal No. 10 must now be wondering just how he gets back into the starting line-up of a side blessed with so much midfield talent,' writes Howard.
Indeed he must - especially if his memory is as short as Howard's and he has already forgotten that he was rested (against Fulham in August) the last time Arsenal were playing two games within four days.
Or if indeed he has forgotten being out injured for 18 months and then being rushed back to prop up Arsenal's midfield and suffering various niggling injuries as a result.
Howard continues to speculate that 'a concerned Roy Hodgson...must also be considering his options after Wilshere's disappointing performance against Ukraine'. On those particular grounds, a concerned Hodgson must be 'considering his options' in every position bar centre-half. A concerned Hodgson also probably realises that Wilshere was playing out of position against Ukraine because he was missing three-quarters of his first-choice front four. Maybe he's not concerned at all.
But then Steven does enough concerning for all of us.
Right on cue, Mediawatch received a press release for Match Attax featuring the folowing quote from Jack Wilshere: "This takes the game to a whole new level, as fans are now able to choose their very own 'dream team'- I just hope they pick me!"
Somehow we can't imagine Steven Howard being a Match Attax fan. But if he were...
Revenge Is Lamps'
You might have thought that Frank Lampard was just happy to get claim three Champions League points on Tuesday night in Bucharest after they lost their opening game against Basel. But you would be wrong. He had another motive: Revenge.
According to the Daily Mail's ever-infomative match zone: 'Frank Lampard took revenge on Bucharest boss Laurentiu Reghecampf, who was in the Steaua team who eliminated a West Ham side containing Lampard in round two of the 2000 Uefa Cup.'
Lampard has waited 14 years but my word, revenge was sweet. And cold. Very cold.
Now he just needs to track down Baciu, Bordeanu, Miu, Rosu, Lincar, Danciulescu, Ilie, Ritli, Ciocoiu and Duro. Especially those goalscoring bastards Rosu and Ilie.
Least Encouraging Quote Of The Day
"I've been in situations very similar to this at my old clubs Everton and Preston North End" - David Moyes.
You really haven't, David.
A Finger Of Grudge
There has been plenty written about Sir Alex Ferguson's interview on US network PBS in which he denied any interest in returning as Manchester United manager and revealed an approach from Chelsea, but not enough has been made about this nugget of advice about management: "Never hold a grudge, it's very important."
Mediawatch is sure that the BBC, Jaap Stam, David Beckham, Roy Keane and half the journalists on the Manchester beat would all agree.
The Pain Game
Opening paragraph from our old friend Antony Kastrinakis' 'exclusive' in The Sun: 'EDUARDO has told Manchester United they will suffer more pain at Shakhtar Donetsk tonight.'
Actual quotes from Eduardo: "We have a great chance to make a big surprise. We can beat United. We have the opportunity to win this game."
'Man says his football team can beat other football team'. That's one hell of an exclusive, Antony.
There's a hell of a lot of space in today's newspapers given over to Edin Dzeko and his joy that he now has a manager in Manuel Pellegrini who believes in him.
Mediawatch wonders whether anybody pointed out to the big Bosnian that he was benched for City's biggest game of the season.
Stoke defender Ryan Shawcross on Sky Sports News: "Everyone can see the style's changed and luckily the performances have come with it...when you change a style like that it can be difficult to get the results but we seem to have hit the ground running."
Stoke are 15th in the league.
Headline Of The Day
'SCHTOP IT!' - The Sun with a tribute to Steve McClaren.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Brolly good show Steve' - The Daily Express, as ever, are about six years out of date.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A REAL-life superhero dubbed Captain Manchester is coming to the aid of stricken motorists by paying parking fines for them. The good samaritan, who wears a homemade black and red outfit with a mask, is spreading good deeds in Greater Manchester and posts updates of his adventures on Twitter.
'The unknown man, who said his girlfriend is unaware of his antics, is on a mission to make life better for others after losing his job a few months ago. He has also been helping ladies carry their shopping, handing out umbrellas while it was raining to shoppers and aiding people moving furniture' - The Daily Express.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Nik Roseveare, JJ Devaney and Vishnu Prasad. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.