'Wayne Rooney has never felt fitter,' shouts the intro in The Sun.
Great news. How's he managed to reach peak condition? What's the secret behind his new trim physique?
"We've done lots of different types of training - a lot more longer running, quicker running, sharper running and that has really benefited me."
So 'running' is the reason Rooney feels super-fit. Did he never think of trying that before?
England For The English
It's open season on Jack Wilshere at the moment following his comments on Adnan Januzaj's potential eligibility to play for England, but Mediawatch feels that a little perspective is needed.
Firstly, it's international week, and Manchester United didn't lose again at the weekend. There are no stories of crisis for the media to feed on, so when Wilshere helpfully obliged with his perfect soundbite this story was always going to run and run.
"The only people who should play for England are English people," initially appears to be a rather straightforward outlook but, as the last day or so has proved, it's a hugely abstract idea that's very much open to interpretation. While FA chairman Greg Dyke has claimed Wilshere's views are "too extreme", the midfielder clarified on Twitter that, "My view on football - going to a new country when ur (sic) an adult, & because u can get a passport u play 4 that national team - I disagree.
"To be clear, never said 'born in England' - I said English people should play for England."
And to be perfectly honest, there isn't a lot wrong with that. Owing to Wilshere's confused wording and the lack of other news at the moment, his opinion has been blown out of all proportion, but this is a view shared by many sane minds, not least the player's manager at Arsenal.
"I agree with him. I always said also an Englishman should manage the England team," said Arsene Wenger. "If we are not clear on that the national teams will become like clubs, we will buy players to buy passports."
The main issue here is that, as a 21-year-old who has spent his formative years concentrating entirely on football, Wilshere hasn't been able to explain himself with the nuance that's needed in such complex issues. Without wishing to sound patronising, he's a young man who hasn't enjoyed a great deal of education, and offered an immediate answer to a tricky question with no time for reflection.
To further mitigate Wilshere's comments, one needs only to look at Alan Shearer's reaction to the story. Here is a man who, for most of his life, has been through the same system as Wilshere, and yet even now, as a 43-year-old BBC pundit, he still lacks the capacity to reason his thoughts in the detail required.
"I totally understand that the game has evolved but I'm of the belief that just because you've lived in this country for five or six years, it doesn't mean that you can be playing in the English national team," said Shearer in Wilshere's defence.
"I was also of the opinion when we had a foreign manager that there were enough English managers out there to have done an equal, if not better, job than the foreign managers we had in.
"Yeah, I'm of the opinion that to be English and be playing for England you should be born in England."
Interestingly, Shearer's views do not appear on his employer's football homepage at the time of writing, presumably because they are both enormously toxic and hugely embarrassing.
Shearer has been seen to struggle with such complicated matters before, namely his Apartheid report at the 2010 World Cup ("What was Apartheid like?"), while his colleague, Alan Hansen, infamously described South Africa's formerly oppressive regime as being a 'flawed system'.
Occasionally footballers lack the subtlety to clarify their views, and jumping on Wilshere over his fairly innocuous beliefs is of no good to anyone. All this outrage only leads to more confusion, when what we really need is a little understanding.
Why Not To Listen To Footballers
If any more evidence were needed to show that footballers enjoy saying stupid things, up pops Ian Wright in The Sun.
When asked if Roy Hodgson should be sacked if England fail to qualify for the World Cup, Wright replied: 'I can't see the point of that.
'We've done the foreign manager thing, and the only way that changed us was to set us back.'
There are no words.
Lack Of Respect
Former FA chairman David Bernstein has accused Harry Redknapp of showing a lack of respect to Roy Hodgson after his scathing attack on the 'clueless' FA for overlooking him for the England job.
"There were four people who made this decision (to appoint Hodgson)," said Bernstein on BBC Radio Five Live.
"One of them was myself, and I've been involved with running Manchester City for ten years, and chairman of that club for five years, and have since been involved with the FA and Wembley Stadium; Sir Trevor Brooking, who has a lifetime in football and also managed, and done a great deal in football; Adrian Bevington, who has huge football knowledge, amazing football knowledge - he may not have managed but he has; and Alex Horne, the general secretary."
Mediawatch wonders how Alex Horne feels about 'respect'.
Tweet from Goal.com: 'Unfortunately, technical issues are preventing the site from updating currently - but we are working on a solution and hope to be back asap'
Surely they mean: 'Which top football website is currently suffering technical issues? Click the link to find out now.'
Slight Difference Of Opinion
'When you are the manager, you put up that team-sheet and, straight away, half the club hates you. Their wives hate you, too,' writes Harry Redknapp in the Daily Mail's serialisation of his new book.
'At Bournemouth, Shaun Teale's missus nearly ran me over after a row over about one hundred quid. She marched down to the training ground over some minor contractual issue, gave me a mouthful, I told her to p**s off, and the next thing I knew she was reversing out of the car park so fast she nearly took me with her.'
Responded Shaun Teale on Twitter: 'Difficult when not in a car. Yet another lying t**t, it was the other way round.'
Adrian Durham is an utterly tedious human being, but Mediawatch feels it has a duty to bring you his latest ramblings on Arsenal and how the 'Invincibles' of 2004 don't deserve to be lauded.
'This title-winning side were officially hailed as the best ever Premier League team, but that is an absolute joke. In fact, it's an insult to those who were better,' writes Durham in his Daily Mail column.
'The Arsenal Invincibles - the side that went unbeaten in 2003-04 season - saw that campaign out with tedious draws at Spurs and Portsmouth and home to Birmingham to preserve the record.
'Arsenal played for draws - not the mark of a great side.'
There is only one 'absolute joke' here, Adrian, and it's the man penning a column criticising the 'Invincibles' purely because of the reaction he received to similar comments a week ago. Grow up.
Said Harry Redknapp on the breakdown of his friendship with former West Ham boss Billy Bonds: "Billy clearly feels I overstepped the mark as his assistant. He says I gave interviews before matches on Sky discussing tactics, but that is certainly not my recollection of it."
No, that doesn't sound like the sort of thing you would do, 'Arry.
'England under Roy Hodgson has been a tale of management by fear,' writes Steven Howard in The Sun.
'The fear of losing.'
Well, it was hardly going to be a fear of winning, was it?
Excessive Praise Of The Day
"There was also a moment in the first half where he chased back on the left and won the ball too. So there is no doubting his commitment" - Brendan Rodgers heaps praise on Luis Suarez for doing his job.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Some Finn Had To Give For Jenks' - The Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A drunken easyJet passenger was Tasered by police after stripping naked and challenging a pilot to a fist fight.
'The aggravated 52-year-old man also urinated on the side of the Terminal One building at Manchester Airport after landing on a flight from Malta yesterday afternoon.
'He was captured on camera removing his clothes on the runway before a female companion slapped him across the face.
'"He'd had an altercation with other passengers and the captain had come down the plane to calm him down," said one witness.
'He put his clothes back on before entering the airport building, but was Tasered after refusing to co-operate with police.' - The Metro.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Graham Lashwood. If you see anything that belongs on this page, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.