The Page That Finished Crying In The Instant That You Left

Remembering 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again' and noting that being foreign means you can't do maths...

Last Updated: 12/12/13 at 12:24

Never Again
Forgive Mediawatch if we take the Daily Mirror's back-page story about Chelsea being set for a 'second massive offer' for Wayne Rooney next summer with a suitably massive pinch of salt. For it is written by Martin Lipton and we have long memories.

It was Lipton who wrote in July that 'Chelsea believe it is a only matter of time before Wayne Rooney is their player', confidently predicting that Rooney would make the move before transfer deadline day. He wrote that Chelsea 'will table a second bid of £24million this week and feel they can get their man for around the £30m mark'.

Five months on and Rooney still appears to be a Manchester United player, while Lipton is claiming that Chelsea never went beyond 'their opening £24million bid' in the summer but are now on 'red alert to make a second bid'.

If we're following this right, Chelsea's opening bid and the second bid (that never happened) were for the same £24m amount. We would suggest that Chelsea try with a different number next year if they're not too tired after being on 'red alert' for six months. (That's an awful long time for anybody to remain on red alert, isn't it? We'd go amber for a long-term alert.)

By the way, the headline on that Daily Mirror piece in July was 'Chelsea confident Wayne Rooney will NEVER wear Manchester United shirt again'.

How did that go?

Horror Show
We're not sure what is upsetting Mediawatch most about The Sun's back page - the bastardisation of 'See Naples And Die' to fit on said back page (SEE NAPLES 'N DIE?) or this intro from Antony Kastrinakis: 'ARSENAL had a horror night - they lost, had a man sent off, dropped to second in the group and will now face a Champions League giant.'

He does know they're through, right? Or, as a Liverpool fan, has he forgotten the qualification procedure for the Champions League?

Favourite Game
This is what Jose Mourinho said on Saturday about potentially winning the Premier League: "Who told you we are the first contender to win the league? I don't think we are. I think we are one of the six teams that are potential contenders."

This is what Jose Mourinho said on Tuesday about potentially winning the Champions League: "If we reach the quarter-final, which is the next step, every team in the quarter-final has a chance to win it. But I think we are not considered one of the favourites."

This is what Laura Wiliamson writes in the Daily Mail on Thursday: 'ACCORDING to their manager, Chelsea are not going to win the Champions League or the Premier League this season.'

We have a feeling we are going to have to say this roughly 427 times this season but NO HE F***ING WELL DIDN'T.

Fun With Maths
If you haven't spent all week either napping or listening to Celine Dion's 'It's All Coming Back To Me Now', you'll know that Manuel Pellegrini got his maths all wrong and did not push for a fourth goal in Munich that would have taken Manchester City through to the Champions League knock-out stage as table-toppers. Isn't it funny? Well, not really but never mind.

The Daily Mirror's David Anderson - who wrote 'Substitute Alvaro Negredo was denied a fourth by Neuer, but it mattered not' in his own match report - has joined in the hilarity and writes that James Milner 'has shrugged off Manchester City's Euro blooper' (a word that promises no little amusement) next to a headline that reads 'We may not be great at maths, but we're just brilliant at banging in goals, so BEWARE!'.

Does anybody want to take a guess at the number of times that Milner mentions this 'Euro blooper' or indeed any maths at all? Can you 'shrug off' something that's never even mentioned?

Foreign With Maths
Mediawatch is a tad surprised that the Daily Mail haven't made the connection but, never fear, the self-proclaimed 'world's greatest newspaper' the Daily Express have stepped into the breach with some extraordinary insight: Manuel Pellegrini cannot add up because he is blatantly and apparently unashamedly a bit foreign.

'AT LAST. There's something that English coaches can do which apparently not all of their highly exalted foreign rivals can manage. They can count,' writes portly Englishman John Dillon.

'Pellegrini belied his suave, refined image and miscalculated. Now there may be a chuckle of wry satisfaction among the ranks of all those home-grown coaches who get overlooked when the big jobs - and plenty of the smaller ones also - become available.

'The fashion during the last decade or so has been for imported bosses. They are seen as more sophisticated, cooler, more advanced and more tactically inventive and flexible than their British counterparts.

'But the saturation of the Premier League has reached a point where no one really knows how effective British bosses might be at top clubs.'

No, because there's definitely no recent example of a British boss getting a job at a top club, is there John? Presumably David Moyes can count up to the 23 points Manchester United have dropped this season...

I Predict A Riot
Headline in The Sun: 'THIS ASH TO STOP.'

Opening paragraph in The Sun: 'DAVID MOYES has read the riot act to Ashley Young over his diving antics as the winger prepares for an explosive return to former club Aston Villa.'

Actual quotes from Ashley Young: "It's been talked about by the previous manager and the current one."

Oh Brother
'Brian Laudrup downplays impact of travel woes' is the headline in the Irish Times. Are the trams not working in Copenhagen?

Headline Of The Day
'Mauaus is very hot. Wow. Good luck with that' - The Daily Telegraph talks to Sandro.

Worst Headline Of The Day
'HIGGY DROP FOR ARSENAL' - The Daily Express. Is this a play on Iggy Pop? Inspiration is obviously as skinny as the man himself.

Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man was bitten on the penis by a massive snake while he sat on a public toilet. Kwabena Nkrumah, 34, was using the toilet in Ghana's Ashanti Region when the 'big black snake' pounced. He claims it suddenly emerged from below and bit the tip of his manhood leading to a sharp pain. As reported by, Mr Nkrumah's screams of 'snake, snake, snake' led to mass panic with other men fleeing the toilet' - The Daily Mirror.

Thanks to today's Mediawatch spoter William Hunt. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.

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Readers' Comments


e was right to leave, but not just because of the money City were coming into. If I remember rightly he had a reasonable amount of chances to shine at City, but he never passed the bloody ball. Loads of aimless dribbles and 40 yard shots and not much else. I would say that if he had learnt to be a bit more of a team player he may have done better at City.

bright and edgy
Sturridge: Right to leave City


h! And.... has it gone in!?' Well John, it is quite literally your job to tell me, so stop phrasing it as a question.

Eye On The Experts: John Motson


an who resembles bond villain complains about spies ....brillliant

Palace deny spying accusation

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