Said With A Straight Face
Jamie Redknapp on AVB on Sky Sports: "Last year he did well with the previous manager's team."
Elaborating, Redknapp said: "He had a nightmare at Chelsea and then they went and won the Champions League without him, but he finds himself as the manager of Tottenham with a squad of Modric, Bale and players like that."
Matches played by Modric under AVB: Zero.
Chevy To The Levy
Charlie Wyett on Twitter, June 2012: 'Daniel Levy - you are a seriously crap club chairman. You have failed over many years to get Spurs a stadium - and now you sack Redknapp.'
Charlie Wyett on Twitter, December 2013: 'Wondering when Spurs fans will realise the main problem at White Hart Lane is Daniel Levy. A poor club chairman imo.'
Charlie Wyett ghost-writes Harry Redknapp's column in The Sun.
Is it time to re-visit this from the Sunday Mirror's Matt Law (now of the Daily Telegraph) this summer?
'Who will prove to be the best summer signing? It is a popular debate that always divides opinion among football fans. Of course, the argument cannot be settled until the transfer window shuts and everybody has been given time to settle in. But here is my early shout and it is not even a player - Franco Baldini.'
To Cap It All
Andre Villas-Boas has been sacked. Is it because he has presided over two humiliating defeats this season? Is it because his team have scored fewer goals than Luis Suarez? No, it's because Fabio Capello was watching Tottenham on Sunday.
'Bookies have made the Portuguese odds on to be sacked and the sight of former England boss Fabio Capello in the press box fuelled speculation that chairman Daniel Levy was about to wield the axe,' writes Darren Lewis in the Daily Mirror.
'Former England boss'? The alternative description is 'Russia boss', Darren. That means he has a job.
The Rule Of Three
You may or may not be familiar with the theory that a list of three things is inherently more effective than any other number. The Daily Mirror's Oliver Holt is a massive fan of this theory but it seems it's catching at the Daily Mirror.
'NO Steven Gerrard, no Jose Enrique and no Daniel Sturridge,' writes Darren Lewis.
Spot the odd one out. Hiding him in the middle simply didn't work, Darren. It's a sh*t sandwich.
'WORLD FOOTBALL UNCOVERED' is the promise on Antony Kastrinakis' Sun column on a Monday. So what has their self-appointed European football correspondent 'uncovered' today? What will we learn that we absolutely could not have learned ourselves? After all, if there are things that need to be 'uncovered', Kastrinakis is clearly the man.
'Real have best attack, Atletico the best defence so Wenger has got to avoid Spain barrier.'
So basically, he's 'uncovered' a La Liga table. Terribly difficult to find on Google, that.
The Daily Mail website was obviously way, way short of gobsh*tes so has now given a weekly column to Martin 'Mad Dog' Allen.
Sample excerpt from his opening column: 'While we're on the topic of Villa, where the hell did they get that left-back Antonio Luna from? He was more of a loony than a Luna against United.'
Mediawatch is fully expecting Mediawatch's dad to get a column next.
'Many are comparing Pellegrini's men with Kevin Keegan's Newcastle for their thrilling band of football. Sadly we all know what happened there,' writes Alan Shearer in The Sun. Who are these 'many people'? Name them. They're idiots.
Mediawatch likes Roberto Martinez and is very much enjoying watching his Everton team. But remarks like this - "Leon showed he can still have a role for England and can still help the national side" - after a goal against Fulham, make us go off him just a tad.
Leon Osman doesn't get in your first-choice Everton side, Roberto. Don't foist him on England.
Young Hearts Run Free
David Maddock of the Daily Mirror has hit on a theme in his latest Everton match report: Youth. Which is an odd theme to choose when six of the starting XI is over the age of 30.
After some nonsense about 'Martinez's minors', Maddock writes: 'With their talent, exuberance and what the manager calls "the right type of arrogance", the likes of Ross Barkley, Romelu Lukaku, Gerard Deulofeu and Seamus Coleman have infused the Blues with a fearlessness of youth.'
Seamus Coleman is 25; that's one year younger than Darron Gibson.
Slight Difference Of Opinion
From The Sun: 'WEST BROM want Real Madrid Mo 2 Paul Clement as their new boss.'
From the Daily Mirror: 'WEST BROM are trying to end Roberto Di Matteo's cash stand-off with Chelsea to bring him back to Albion.'
From the Daily Mail: 'MIKE PHELAN and Michael Appleton top the shortlist of West Brom owner Jeremy Peace'.
From the Daily Star: 'OLE GUNNAR Solskjaer is the man West Brom want to replace Steve Clarke'.
In summary: Nobody has a sodding clue.
Quote Of The Day
"We have not been scoring and goals change how it looks, mainly for the media" - David Moyes. Erm, surely goals change scorelines and thus results, David. The media merely report those results.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'MADREAD' - The Sun headline Kastrinakis' column with a stinker.
Worst Headline Of The Day (Because It's Factually Incorrect)
'KEEPER GOES EXRA SMILE' - The Daily Mirror on Sheffield Wednesday's Reda Johnson. That's Sheffield Wednesday left-back Reda Johnson.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A warrant has been issued for a man who had earlier been charged with biting a police dog. Erasmo Guadalupe Garcia-Serna was arrested back in October after police found him causing a disturbance at a Costco car park in Utah. A naked Garcia-Serna was spotted trying to tear the hoses off the petrol pumps, the Associated Press reported. Officer Todd Zahlmann told KUTV: "I said, 'I've got a police dog, get on the ground, you're gonna get bit by the dog.
'"He kept coming at me in a very threatening manner, so I released Lobo." Lobo charged at Garcia-Serna, biting him on the chest, whereupon the 27-year-old retaliated by gnawing on the dog's neck and clawing at its face. According to the Deseret News, the officer was unable to stop Garcia-Serna from attacking the dog and had to taser him three times to subdue him. Garcia-Serna was charged with injuring a police service animal, lewdness, interfering with an arresting officer and disorderly conduct' - Huffington Post.