The Wrong Stuff
Ian Wright manages to do exactly what Ian Wright does best in his column for The Sun, namely to take a simple and logical opinion and make it into a bizarre rant using 'research' that looks at best rather odd.
Confused? Well, let us show you:
The simple opinion - West Ham manager Sam Allardyce has done well to respond after being under pressure of late.
The very different conclusion taken from that opinion - Why were Felix Magath and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer appointed over MK Dons' Karl Robinson and Bournemouth's Eddie Howe? Why do no British managers get the top jobs?
The 'evidence' (and this is gold, people) - Wright uses figures for the winners of the Premier League, FA Cup and League Cup since the turn of the century to claim that British is best. The Brits beat Johnny Foreigner 8-6 in Premier League titles and 8-6 in League Cup trophies you see.
So, more titles, ergo it's an easy decision to make. We're even given little pie charts to get across the message. Mmmm, pie.
The foreigners are 12-2 up in the FA Cup, actually, but that isn't really mentioned by Wright. Nor does he comment on the fact that all eight of the Premier League titles won by British managers were won by Alex Ferguson at Manchester United. And one of the two FA Cups. And three of the eight League Cups. Which all obviously means that Karl Robinson, with two wins his last 13 games at League One MK Dons, should have been given a Premier League gig.
Finally, in asking clubs to give British managers the biggest jobs, Wright ignores the fact that arguably the biggest job in British football was given to a British manager this summer, and that hasn't gone swimmingly.
So, given that more than half of the Premier League's 20 clubs already have a British-born manager in charge, the more reasonable conclusion seems to be 'give British managers the top jobs if they are as good as Fergie'. Easy.
Man Gets Annoyed By Statue
Adrian Durham day today folks, we're afraid. Apologies, but at least we'll save you the bother of actually having to read his Daily Mail column.
Durham's primary beef is the unveiling of a statue for Dennis Bergkamp outside the Emirates at the weekend. You might have seen that as a positive thing, but no siree.
'I'm not saying Bergkamp wasn't brilliant, all I'm saying is that there are other Arsenal legends who should have had a statue before the Dutchman. Alan Smith, Michael Thomas, Ian Wright and Ray Parlour are all more deserving of a statue outside the Emirates than Dennis Bergkamp,' writes Durham.
In Arsenal.com's '50 Greatest Arsenal Players', Bergkamp was voted by tens of thousands of fans as the club's second greatest ever player. Ian Wright was no.4, Parlour no.19, Smith no.27 and Michael Thomas no.27. So that seems a reasonable explanation - a football club listening to its supporters, for once.
'Bergkamp's arrival signalled a daring change in outlook from the men in charge at Arsenal,' reads the entry on Arsenal's official site. 'George Graham had been replaced by Bruce Rioch and 'Boring, Boring Arsenal' was to be replaced by something altogether more beautiful. Bergkamp was the catalyst. Under the tutelage of Wenger, Bergkamp redefined football in England's top division.'
That's Durham told, but he isn't finished with his bullsh*t there.
'The money men at Arsenal know only too well a statue of an internationally acclaimed footballer will mean more to potential investors and sponsors than a midfielder from 25 years ago who never played at the Emirates, or a former non-league striker signed from Leicester. Have they ever seen the film Fever Pitch?'
Yes, damn those money men, they know nothing of Arsenal's history, only choosing to think of the present. Which is presumably why the club already have statues outside the Emirates of Tony Adams (who also never played at the Emirates) and Herbert Chapman, manager between 1925 and 1934.
Forsing The Issue
Durham is particularly grouchy this week, and Fraser Forster and Scottish football are his next targets.
You may be aware that Forster set a Scottish record on Saturday after not conceding for 1,215 minutes of football, and now has Edwin Van der Sar's UK record of 1,311 minutes in his sights.
'I've written about this in my column recently and I make no apology for stressing it again. I personally believe Forster should not be recognised as the official record holder,' whines Durham.
Mediawatch would argue that rather fails to appreciate the point of records - indisputable facts which only idiots can attempt to dismiss.
'Here's the reason you will find impossible to ignore,' Durham continues. 'When Celtic went to Hearts on Saturday the home side played one up front: for 52 minutes.'
Jeez, well we didn't know about that, did we? Take the record off him. Slap his face. Burn him at the stake.
'While his [Forster's] football friends and Celtic fans will all slap him on the back, deep down they know it's meaningless.'
At last, Durham is right. It is essentially meaningless, which makes it all the more ridiculous to make it one of the cornerstones of his column. Twice.
14 Days Of Hell
Some classic 'Arry today, in an interview published in The Sun, amongst other places. Speaking about a run of poor results that have seen the pre-season Championship title favourites drop to fourth in the table and 15 points behind leaders Leicester, Redknapp has gone on the PR offensive.
"When we got relegated, people assumed we'd walk this division. Eighteen players left in the summer," he said.
Yes 'Arry, they did. But since the summer you have also brought in 19 players, including nine from the Premier League and Matt Phillips and Charlie Austin from Championship rivals at a cost of over £9million for the pair.
"I've had a bad fortnight, that's all."
QPR have taken 30 points from their last 21 Championship matches in a run going back to October 19th. A record that, if you extrapolated it across a whole season, would give QPR a touch under 66 points. That would have been enough to finish ninth in the Championship last season. That's a hell of a "fortnight".
Finally, one to very much 'ctrl + c' and keep on file from Redknapp given the pressure currently upon his continued employment...
"I'll be here until the end of the season at the very least, and that's only because I haven't even thought about next season yet."
Stop. Made You Think
Dave Kidd uses his 'he'll make you think' column in the Daily Mirror to praise Daniel Sturridge for his cockiness, something that he feels the striker has been wrongly criticised for in the past.
Whilst that point is, in principle, something that Mediawatch fully agrees with, we can't help think that Kidd is re-writing history slightly.
'In 2009, Manchester City's sheikhs had their first full tilt at a summer transfer window. They signed Carlos Tevez and Emmanuel Adebayor for £25million apiece and Roque Santa Cruz for £17.5m. This after shelling out £32.5m on Robinho and £18m on a bloke called Jo. So it was clear that City's young striking star, Daniel Sturridge, would struggle to get a look-in.'
Firstly, it was widely reported that Sturridge made excessive wage demands that City were unlikely to meet, and therefore allowed his contract to run down at Eastlands. These reports were backed up when Chelsea agreed to pay Sturridge in the region of £60,000 a week to take the striker to Stamford Bridge.
Secondly, it would seem rather prescient of Sturridge to feel excluded by the arrival of Carlos Tevez and Emmanuel Adebayor given that he joined Chelsea on July 3rd 2009, two weeks before Adebayor and Tevez even arrived at the club.
Save Our Souls
'Save Our Season' shouts the headline on the back page of the Daily Mirror, adding the tagline 'Moyes plea to Roo and RVP'. They also put the first letter of each word in red, just in case the reader hadn't spotted that this spelled out SOS. Thanks. For. That.
Actual quotes from David Moyes: "They're both vital, excellent players and our record with them is better than without them, for sure."
Mentions of the pair 'saving' United's season: Zero.
Number of 'pleas' from David Moyes: Zero.
Greeced Up Offensive Guy
Mediawatch already knew that Derek McGovern's column was as inane and offensive as 'journalism' could get, but he still manages to find new lows.
Referring to Greek side Olympiakos having 'the highly-rated Tzatsiki and Taramasalata sure to be prominent' is pitiful.
Note to the Daily Mirror - it's not 1972 and you are printing this in your national newspaper.
Least Surprising Quote Of The Day
"He could be a fantastic manager for Tottenham though. He needs time and, if they give him that, then they'll have an excellent manager for the future. Why not stick with a young English boy who's come through the ranks?"- Who would have thought that Harry Redknapp would back Tim Sherwood to succeed at Spurs?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Wayne 2ney' - Yes, all because Wayne Rooney wants to win the Champions League for the second time. The Sun should be ashamed of themselves.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Doctors on Sunday removed a hard-boiled egg from a woman's vagina after a lovers' sex game went sour, officials from the Shanghai No. 411 Hospital of the People's Liberation Army said yesterday.
'The woman's husband said he inserted the peeled egg into his wife's vagina because he wanted to try something different during sex. But soon after, the woman complained of an unusual sensation in her lower abdomen and the pair decided they should seek help.
'The couple, both in their 20s, said they had tried to remove the egg using chopsticks and a spoon. When that failed, the woman tried to free it by jumping up and down.
'Dr Guo Xinxin from the hospital's gynecology department said the couple had taken a big risk.
'"Once inside the vagina, which contains a complicated mix of bacteria, the egg will rot," he said.
'"Couples must be careful, but if they do have such a problem, they should go to hospital immediately," Guo said' - China.org
Thanks to Mediawatch spotter Kaiomurz Motawara. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.