The Zarate Kid
The MailOnline maintain their reputation for focused and intelligent sports reporting on Thursday with a story on Mauro Zarate closing in on a move to West Ham.
So, what angle do they go for? Zarate's propensity to fall out with the hierarchy of his clubs? The tendency of South American footballers to become unsettled with life abroad? A discussion of Zarate's intriguing contract clause at Inter that paid him for assists? Oh, no.
'Mauro Zarate closes in on West Ham move...with Argentinian's model wife Natalie Weber set to prove a hit at Upton Park,' reveals the headline.
Of course, how could Mediawatch have been so stupid; Zarate has an attractive wife - that's the real sporting angle here.
'Sam Allardyce was told he must excite West Ham fans next season after keeping his job. And the arrival of Mauro Zarate is sure to set pulses racing in the East End...or at least his wife will,' writes Matt Lawless.
As always, visiting the MailOnline is like taking a trip back to the 1970s, only with fewer moustaches. The entire article is less than 20 lines long, but Mediawatch wasn't surprised to see there is still space for four photos of Zarate's wife, three of which show her scantily clad.
The tagline at the top of the page reads as a solemn reminder of the dumbing-down of mass media: 'Mail Online: Sports Website Of The Year.'
The Magic Of The Cup
Headline on The Telegraph's website: 'How ITV missed the best moment of the FA Cup final'.
What on earth could they mean? Did someone fall over in comical fashion? Did an exasperated Arsene Wenger blow his top? Did Gunnersaurus drop his kecks revealing a foot of polyester dinosaur penis?
Nope, nope and noooooo. Apparently ITV missed the touching moment when Steve Bruce substituted his son Alex in the second half. The heartless bastards.
'It was about men and boys, fathers and sons, and not just football,' writes Cole Moreton.
'His son had done so well, but could do no more now. And Dad could not hug him there and then, however much he may have wanted to.'
Someone pass Mediawatch the bucket.
After Yaya Toure's agent complained that Manchester City haven't paid the midfielder enough attention, the Daily Mail report that the club intend to stand firm over the player's future.
Writes Chris Wheeler: 'It is understood that City will counter accusations by Seluk that they have treated Toure 'like a nobody' and showed him no respect by reminding the player how he was given a lucrative new deal last year after more bizarre claims that he wanted to leave because there were not enough shirts bearing his name on sale in the club shop.
'City also fought his case when he was subjected to racist abuse from CSKA Moscow fans in October, and lobbied for him to be named Player of the Year ahead of Liverpool striker Luis Suarez, who won the award.'
Mediawatch agrees with the point about Toure's new contract, but is he really supposed to feel grateful because City supported him when he was subjected to racist abuse?
It rather reminds us of our favourite Chris Rock sketch: "'Yeah, well, I take care of my kids.' You're supposed to, you dumb motherf**ker..."
Reported Antony Kastrinakis - Yaya Toure's mouthpiece's mouthpiece - in The Sun on Tuesday: 'YAYA TOURE is so disillusioned at Manchester City he is ready to take a pay cut to get out of his Etihad hell.'
Report The Sun on Thursday: 'Yaya Toure insists Manchester City must prove they want him to stay at the club for LIFE.'
Make up your mind, Yaya.
Mediawatch is grateful that the Daily Mirror's Brian Reade is at 'the heart of football', providing gems such as these to keep us in the loop:
*Yaya Toure's birthday complaint is ridiculous.
*Thibaut Courtois is ready to be Chelsea's No 1.
*Finding a new manager wasn't the only problem for Manchester United.
And, Mediawatch's personal favourite...
*Sometimes people say funny things on Twitter.
Phew, it feels good to be up to date.
'Arsene Wenger's £100million transfer kitty can turn Arsenal into genuine title contenders,' begins Darren Lewis in the Daily Mirror. 'That is the view of Gunners chairman Sir Chips Keswick, who is confident his club will finish higher than fourth place in the Premier League next season.'
Actual quotes from Sir Chips (we still don't believe that's his real name): "I hope he will continue and there will be successes to come in the very near future. We have added one trophy and we want more."
'Racism: Still The Scourge Of Europe' states the Daily Mirror as they report on the disgusting abuse of Mario Balotelli at Italy' s training camp.
In a fact box at the bottom of the article, the Mirror provide eight examples of Europe's racism problems, detailing cases from Italy, Russia, Spain, Germany, Croatia and Poland dating back to April 2009.
Considering there have been at least two high-profile complaints of racism in England over that period, you would have to say it's conspicuous by its absence.
In case you haven't seen it already, Mediawatch enjoyed this list of advice for English journalists on how to approach press conferences with Louis van Gaal.
A particular favourite reads: 'Don't introduce yourself or else he'll know your name, remember it and use it against you. You will not be some anonymous guy with a microphone and a cameraman on his side; you will be Gary, or Clive, or Tony, with whom he will or will not have a feud from the get-go. (He will.)'
This is going to be fun.
Description Of The Day
'Fiercely determined and unyielding, never giving his opponent an inch and a man's man...' - Grrrr. The Daily Mirror offer grunting praise of Stuart Pearce, with his short shorts and big manly thighs.
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Eyes Of The World Are On Roo' - the Daily Mirror.
'Samba Like It Hot' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A judge suspended a murder trial in Italy after spotting two court staff in an office beside the court having sex.
'Anna Ivaldi asked the prosecutor to stop talking after she heard strange noises and looked up to see the pair in a passionate embrace.
'Prosecutor Sabrina Monteverde had just begun summing up when judge Ivaldi silenced her and had the love-making session brought to an abrupt end.
'The Daily Mail quoted a court source as saying: "When everyone looked it was quite clear what was going on - they were having sex.
'"They obviously thought because the glass was dark they would not be seen.
'"They are both court admin staff but they have not been named. It's a bit delicate as one of them is married."
'A spokesperson for the Genoa court said the matter had been dealt with' - orange.co.uk
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Rune Skov Fey. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.