The Diaries Of Poor, Picked-Upon Neviller...

It's been quite a week for The Neviller - sex actions in front of the diiiiirty diiiiirty Scousers, the revelation that Sven is on his way and watching Dancing On Ice with mum. Next week he'll answer your problems...

Last Updated: 26/01/06 at 14:49

It's been quite a week for The Neviller - sex actions in front of the diiiiirty diiiiirty Scousers, the revelation that Sven is on his way and watching Dancing On Ice with mum. Next week he'll answer your problems...

THURSDAY
If I ever kiss a girl (eurrrggh) and become a daddy then I shall call my son (or daughter) after the best person ever, ever, ever. He (or she) will be Sir Neville. I told dad and he was upset so maybe I'll have to call him (or her) Sir Neville Neville. I wonder if they will inherit my bushy moustache.

Phil B***ardsley (ha ha) thinks he can play the most important position on the pitch for the best team ever after last night against Burton. But what he forgot until I told him today in the car park and then during training and then at lunch and then on the phone later was that he was really, really rubbish until I came on and turned the game when we were winning just 3-0 and struggling without me.

I'll tell Sir to send him to Preston.


FRIDAY
Sir shouted at me for not giving Phil a bib this morning. He says we need TWO right-backs - this is the worstest thing he's said to me since he told me to 'f*** off out of his garden'.

Went to the pictures because Rio said I'd really, really like Brokeback Mountain and would identify with the main characters. I thought he said Rightback Mountain and it would be about handsome right-backs with fantastic facial hair. It wasn't. I cried.


SATURDAY
Silly Billy Philly and his little Neverton team beat Arse-nal so I've promised mum not to give him a Chinese burn for at least 24 hours. I tried to appeal the suspension but she was quicker than usual up the stairs.

We watched Dancing On Ice. I could do that when I'm 44 and retire, just before I take over as manager of the best club in the world ever and win the Historic Quadruple and become Lord Sir Gary Neville OBE MBE CBeebies.


SUNDAY
Diiiiirty diiiiirty Scousers, diiiiirty diiiiirty Scousers. We won, we won, we won, you lost, you lost, you lost. And I did the coolest celebration in front of the diiiiirty, diiiirty Scousers that some people said was like when a boy and a girl do sex, which probably means that girls will think I want to do sex with them, when everyone knows that girls smell. I did do a sex wee though.

Did my celebration for mum and grandma today after Sunday lunch (sprouts, euugghh) and they said I'll look handsome in the papers. Hope the camera captures my moustache, because sometimes in pictures it doesn't look as bushy as in real life.

Too excited to sleep so I'm reading Sir's book again. I know it nearly off by heart now, which is lucky because some of the pages don't open anymore.


MONDAY
I have been hidden in my mum's cupboard all day after Rio texted me to say that the police wanted to talk to me about 'exciting the crowd'. I don't want to go to jail because Rio says a handsome boy like me would be popular in the showers. And I prefer baths.

When mum tempted me out with a bowl of Frosties (she says I'm grrrrrrreat) I heard that Sven is leaving after the World Cup, probably because I phoned Brian Barwick to say there were too many Scousers in the team. They say it's not but I know different, because his secretary said he was 'interested to learn my views'.

I think I am the right man to replace him. If I'm not in jail.


TUESDAY
Who's Sam Allardyce? Apparently he manages a club in Lancashire, but everyone knows there's only one club in Lancashire. I'm confused! He can't be allowed to manage England and neither can 'Big Phil' Scolari - a) because he's called Phil and everyone knows that's a silly name and b) because he probably thinks his moustache is better than mine. Which it's not.

It should be me and David in a dream team. Like that film I saw the other night.


WEDNESDAY
We're in the final of the most important cup competition in the world (that I haven't won yet) after beating some little team called, I think, Blackburn. I was brilliant of course, though Edwin (I always preferred Sweary Tim) tried to make me look silly by not reacting quick enough to my perfect backpass.

That nasty man Robbie Savage tried to make trouble in the tunnel but, as I'm the captain now, I couldn't sort him out properly. I had to lock myself in the changing-room, because a captain can't get into any trouble. And I had to wait until I was sure he'd left the ground, because I'm the captain now. Roy would have done the same.


THURSDAY
I've been charged. I'm running away to Malta.


The Neviller will be taking a break from his diaries next week to answer your problems. So write to Uncle Gary at theeditor@football365.com, putting 'Dear Gary' in the subject field. He'll do his best to solve your dilemmas on all matters of the heart and more...

Related News

Most Commented

Readers' Comments

N

ice work John.. have to agree with everything. Never measure your wealth in money.

wexford_blue
We're Not All Jealous Guys...

I

s it the same people that complain about Chelsea that complain about Mayweather? You should by now know what to expect from both, if you can't appreciate how good they are at nullifying their opponents then don't watch them.

Noz2k
Chelsea: This Ending Always Justifies The Means

I

do concede though, that getting rid of Luiz has made them less entertaining. In the same way that driving with both eyes open is less exciting, but probably a good idea.

megabrow (cufc)
Chelsea: This Ending Always Justifies The Means

Footer 365

Stephen McManus says Motherwell are full of confidence

Stephen McManus says Motherwell are full of confidence despite being adrift in the Scottish Premiership playoff place.

Arsene Wenger only wants to bring 'world-class' players to Arsenal

Arsene Wenger has revealed he is only looking to add “top, world-class players” to his Arsenal squad this summer.

Hull 1-3 Arsenal: Alexis Sanchez nets twice to move Arsenal level on points with Man City

Alexis Sanchez scored twice in the first half to help Arsenal coast past Hull with a 3-1 win at the KC Stadium.

Mail Box

Blaming Van Gaal For United Slump...

Wayne Rooney in midfield, the same balls aimed at Marouane Fellaini...Louis van Gaal has to find a solution. And a Burnley fan embraces relegation...

Shouldn't We Give Players Time?

Do we really want to throw out the baby with the bathwater every single summer? We also have a Man United fan who wants massive investment. And more...

© 2015 Sky Ltd. All Rights Reserved A Sky Sports Digital Media company