Players fight, outfield players go in goal, the referee falls over and the lights go out (but not for long). Our list of things everyone loves to see at the football prompted a few suggestions from you lot...
There's A Right Good Fight
Why do the Self-Appointed Guardians (TM) (c) always say, "Nobody likes to see that", when there's a fight on the pitch?
Yes. We. Do. It's certainly better than sitting through a regulation 2-0 home victory for one of the Big Four. And the more "proper" the fight the better. The authorities seem to think that if someone gave another player a proper right-hander during the game that the whole crowd would burst out crying and wailing: "Think of the children, please, think of the children!"
No. Must of the crowd would be saying, "Go on Tel, do him!" and such like and children would be told that if someone hits you, hit them back.
There's a good rule of thumb for here - if Barry Davies thinks it's wrong, it's right.
Lawrence Evans, London (Old Chelsea)
An Outfield Player Goes In Goal
Surely there is not much that football fans enjoy seeing more than an outfield player having to play in goal for part of a match?
Sadly this seems to be a rare occurrence these days, especially at the top level of the game - I would suggest that along with the discussions about sin bins we give serious consideration to a rule stating that when a goalkeeper is red carded you can't bring on your sub goalkeeper - I'd prefer a blanket ban on substitute goalkeepers, but too many joyless managers would moan about that in the case of their keeper getting injured.
Everyone seems to have a reason to love Stuart Pearce these days, for me the best thing about him is that he doesn't bother with a sub goalkeeper, so when you watch a City game these days there is always the possibility of seeing Richard Dunne squeeze himself into David James' jersey and throw himself around the goal for half an hour or so...
Bill Handley, Leicester
The Orange Ball Comes Out
This phenomenon has been slightly sullied by the Nike-inspired insistence on using a yellow ball during matches in winter, but rest assured when the white stuff really comes down, out will pop the orange ball and fans on both sides will smile and raise a cheer. No-one really knows why - it's just one of those unknowable mysteries which make the game great.
The Referee Falls Over
There are very few things more satisfying than seeing a ref being subbed due to getting a ball in the wotsits at about 60-70 Mph. When they fall over it's just as good because they get up all embarrassed with that stupid smile that says: "Yes, I am an arse, but at least I'm the centre of attention."
No my friend, 50,000 people are laughing at you for being a complete t*** now stop smiling and officiate the f***ing game.
...The ref gets whacked with the ball, preferably causing him to topple over.
The Physios Have A Sprint-Off
Two players on opposite teams both fall to the floor following an aerial challenge and the two teams' physios attempt to replicate the 100 metres Olympic final as they sprint over to give assistance. Even funnier when the incident happens on the far side of the pitch and/or one of said physios has a less than athletic physique.
The Match-Day Announcer Gets A Player's Name Wrong
Newcastle's Shola Ameobi was once announced as 'Shola Amoeba' when coming on as a sub against West Brom. Cue Toon Army singing, "one cell, he's only got one cell".
There's An Air-Kick
Surely one of the finest moments on a football pitch is the (depending on whose side youre on) immensely pleasurable air kick. You know the one; as the ball drops/or is crossed into your team's penalty area; the opposing striker whose lethal reputation means he surely cannot miss from anywhere in and around the 18-yard box shapes to shoot - as you wince your mind screams this is going to break the goal when he connects!
Hilariously, and to your absolute delight, the thunderbolt never leaves his boot, as he hideously miscues his shot, kicks clean air, spins slightly and then to add insult to injury; falls flat on his arse!!
Comedy football at its finest.
Dan Ashton, Reading
Your Player Leaves The Opposition On Its A***
The best forgotten one is when one player for your club and a player from a rival club get nasty with words and then a bit of rough challenges, followed by your club's player nut-megging the opponent.
Or when Thierry looks back at a defender with his, "did you honestly think you could stop me", stare (see Luke Young's challenge 12/26/05).
The Lights Go Out
A strange phenomenon this one...we seem to absolutely love it when the floodlights go out in the middle of a match. As soon as it happens, there is an instantaneous, schoolboy-like cheer from the crowd (not dissimilar to the cheer you get when a glass is dropped on a pub floor).
However, reality quickly dawns that the match now has to stop and you're eventually going to get home much later than you planned, that's if you even make the last train or bus. So we don't really love it that much.
Ben Scott, London
...You simply can't help going "raaayyyy!!!".
It's scientifically proven don'tchaknow.
The Centre-Half's Had Enough
A centre-half, fed up with being constantly nut-megged and generally made a fool of, decides f***-this-for-a-game-of-soldiers (and this is a visible process, you just know he's lost it) and at the next available opportunity scythes down his adversary and begins the walk to the tunnel without even a second glance at the referee.
It's not done with any Keane-like malice or Smith-like headless chicken rage; it's simply that he's had enough.
Peter Thody, Leeds
Anything Interesting Happens At All At Bolton
A supposedly world-class player (a la Henry quite often at the Reebok) makes an absolute hash of what seems a fairly simple pass/shot/cross.
The opposition's hard man gets all upset that hes just been on the business end of a Kevin Davies slide tackle.
Andy Todd runs the full length of the pitch to deliver a shoeing to Stan Collymore (about the only decent thing he did in a Bolton shirt).
Ivan Campo falls over the ball in a comedy fashion and somehow wins a free kick!
El-Hadji Diouf (insert Savage, Keane other hated player) scores, just for the disgraced looks on the opposition's supporters!
Beating one of the big clubs just because were not supposed to!
Chris We Only Play Long Ball Lees, Bolton