I cabined up on New Year’s Eve as I simply can’t be dished to get dressed up and pay £10 a pop to get into some moody boozer to shake hands with people who I don’t speak to for the other 364 days of the year.
Instead I spent the day eating (I swear my BMI is now a solid 49% Mexicana cheese slices from Aldi), watching Only Fools and Horses repeats (and a weird movie called ‘The Hateful Eight’) while lamenting on what an absolute f**ker of a year it has been.
David Bowie. Gone. George Michael. Gone. Ronnie Corbett. Gone. The US election. Brexit. England v Iceland. The list goes on and on. As years go it’s been an absolute shocker so it was only fitting that my final punt of 2016 turned to sh**e. I had a £76.36 treble (as you do) consisting of Celtic, Chelsea and Manchester United minus a goal against Middlesbrough. Celtic and Chelsea did the business against Rangers and Stoke respectively but the Red Devils blew me in despite scoring two late goals at Old Trafford. To add insult to injury, ref Lee Mason chalked off a perfectly good Zlatan Ibrahimovic ‘goal’ citing dangerous play when replays showed it should have been a goal all day long. F**k you Lee Mason and f**k you the absolute dog poo bin otherwise known as 2016.
I spent the first day of 2017 at a rather well to do 4-star hotel in County Durham. The gaff boasted two 18-hole Championship golf courses. Obviously I don’t play golf but I do like a thick bet on the darts and with the cocktails retailing at £9 a throw I was under pressure to deliver.
If there is one man in any sport you want to go into the trenches for you financially when the chips are down it’s Michael Van Gerwen. Granted I may want to croon a lusty rendition of George Dawes’ Potato Song every time I see his chubby face but in terms of sporting excellence the man is dancing to his own beat at present.
I had £130 on him to hit ‘Over 13.5 180s’ at 4/5 in his semi-final clash with Raymond Van Barneveld and could only look on in awe as he smashed 15 maximums and averaged an eye-popping 114.05 in winning 6-2 at the Ally Pally. I was watching in the bar with the sound off and my Dutch is not the best but I am certain he fist-pumped and shouted “Get me a Bellini and you and ‘er indoors a couple of Mojitos cheeky old son” as he checked out to win the match on double 18. So I did.
We got back to reality on January 2 and walked in to an icebox of a house to discover our boiler had packed up. It was so cold even Fernando our budgie was doing the moon walk on his water trough. Now only a cold-hearted b**tard would leave his fiancée to go drinking in such circumstances. Alas I am that b**tard.
There was a load of football on and I wasn’t due back at work until Thursday. For me it was a no-brainer. However, karma caught up with my selfish ass good and proper later in the day. I was waiting on Newcastle to beat Blackburn for £385 and could not believe my eyes as they dominated at Ewood Park without reward. The half-time stats were as one-sided as you are ever likely to see. Ridiculously though in the second half Blackburn pulled off a textbook smash ‘n’ grab to win 1-0 and leave me sobbing into my Guinness. New Year. Same old sh**e.
Cheeky’s Punt of the Week: West Ham to beat Manchester City at 9/2 (Betway)