Cheeky Punt: Gary Lineker drove me to crisps

Date published: Wednesday 20th April 2016 8:51

Cesar-Millan-dog-whisperer-ftr

I didn’t cover myself in glory on Wednesday night. Not only did I have £80 on West Ham at 13/8 to beat Manchester United in their FA Cup quarter-final replay, I also suffered something of a calorific meltdown while watching the action.

It was the last ever FA Cup tie to be played at the Boleyn and every pundit I heard speaking about the game pre-match had the East Enders down as going through. I was therefore convinced the Hammers would be up for it. How wrong I was. They simply didn’t get going until they were 2-0 down and my bet was essentially dead in the water.

My anxiety levels watching such an insipid display meant that I ate five packets of pickled onion Monster Munch along with five packets of fruit Mentos. And a slush. This all hot on the heels of a big plate of spaghetti bolognese. My mood wasn’t helped by the BBC panel. Alan Shearer is so bald these days his forehead hurts my eyes while Gary Lineker looked like a cross between Mr Meaker from Rentaghost and Cesar the Dog Whisperer.

*****

Saturday was a much better day. Not only did I witness my beloved Hartlepool tough out a 2-1 home win to York City, I had £100 on the Chimp Chokers at evens.

On Saturday evening I had a ticket to a meet and greet dinner show with former Olympic gold medalist and new IBF world heavyweight champion Anthony Joshua.

For a guy who stands at 6’6″ Big Josh is surprisingly down to earth and happily laughed off my request for an arm wrestle while we had our picture taken.

I hit the pots and pans in a big way and it inevitably ended up in a late one. I am however also still very much upset over Sunday morning when ‘er indoors, a lady who professes to be my lover, best friend and soulmate, struck me over the head twice for allegedly still being drunk and annoying with a wooden sign that reads ‘LOVE MAKES THIS HOUSE A HOME’.

*****

I do the majority of my punting online these days. It’s a pretty private, insular business and sometimes I miss the cut and thrust of a busy betting shop.

Tuesday night wasn’t one of those times. While waiting for a pizza I popped into a bookies round our way more in hope than expectation. There was a night meeting on at Sedgefield and I ploughed into 3/1 second-favourite Shantou Tiger in the 5:35pm race there.

I was just settling down to watch the action when the peace was shattered by a big stranger with a skinhead who sat down beside me. He immediately confessed that he had stolen a toilet roll from the urinals before pointing towards the waistband in his tracksuit bottoms. Sure enough a decent size roll was nestling there snugly. I’m not sure what he thought my reaction to this confession would be, other than obviously respecting that level of degeneracy.

I was trying to watch the race but it was clear from the outset Shantou Tiger was having more problems than the big skin next to me. The nag ended up finishing sixth and as I sloped towards the exit to pick up my Hawaiian deep pan Mr Andrex pants came towards me and in a conspiratorial whisper advised me that he “had some clothes that once belonged to David Bowie that were worth a lot of money”.

Scenes.

Cheeky’s Punt of the Week: Liverpool and Everton to draw at 13/4 (Bet Bright)

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