Cheeky Punt: JD, coke and running towards traffic

Date published: Wednesday 4th May 2016 9:19

Jack Daniels

Last Wednesday was a bit of a sh*tter, and it was all thanks to those bloody gee-gees.

As Roger Kahn once succinctly explained, horse racing is just animated roulette, and this was never more plainly illustrated than at Punchestown last week.

Yours truly had Bellshill in a double with Cue Card. The former won at 5/2 and I was waiting on the brilliant Cue Card to do the business at 4/6. In the event Colin Tizzard’s charge ran like a pig, finishing a lamentable fourth.

I then began chasing my losses (never advisable) and soon found myself a further £160 in the hole.

I tried to dig myself out of said hole by backing The Nipper in the last at the picturesque County Kildare track at 11/4.

It was travelling beautifully but then – quite ridiculously – proceeded to fall. Now horses fall in jump racing all the time. It’s no biggie. But this was a flat race! The useless f*cking specimen only tried to jump the rail. I was genuinely speechless. Luck of the Irish? Whatevs.

*****

After days like last Wednesday, it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only problem gambler out there.

And reassurance promptly arrived first thing on Thursday morning in the shape of a text message from a pal of mine who now lives on the south coast who asked:

‘Have you got £100 to borrow me until tomorrow? Just to calm the shakes in my bin wagon.’

When I answered in the affirmative this maverick of a man ordered me to put it on a ‘Labasa FC and FC Tokyo’ double.

These were not teams I was familiar with and I afforded myself a wry smile when I discovered Labasa were actually a team from the Fijian National Football League.

Fair play to the Babasiga Lions, who ground out a gritty 1-0 win at Nadroga (which I’m sure you’ll agree is never an easy place to get a result). The problem for my pal however was while they were doing that, FC Tokyo were losing 1-0 at home to Avispa Fukuoka. Unbelievable Jeff.

*****

I’d rather enjoyed having a few weeks off the sauce so it was with something of a heavy heart that I agreed to go to Newcastle for a day of boozing on Saturday. It was one of those ‘couples’ affairs so my reckoning was that things wouldn’t get out of hand if I was with my better half. It might not have done, but having won a football coupon after correctly napping Newcastle, Millwall and Bristol Rovers, my head went a bit and I started on the double JD and cokes.

A mate of mine twigged I was struggling not long after he innocently suggested we go to another bar and I merely wagged a finger at him and slurred “It’s better to be full of whiskey than full of sh*t, Matty.”

Things came to a head around 7pm when I accused ‘Er indoors of having an affair with a burly bouncer of a bar we had been boozing in. My evidence? I came out of said boozer and he was holding her phone. She’d given it to him so he could take a picture of her and her friend but in my drunken stupor I thought they were exchanging numbers. It was all too much for me to comprehend. I began crying and running towards traffic. In broad daylight. The moral of the story? Red Bull may give you wings. But too much Jack Daniel’s f*cks your sh*t up.

Cheeky Punt of the Week: Hartlepool to beat Plymouth at 4/1 (Betfred)

More Related Articles

Comments