After hearing Huddersfield Town had made nine changes from the team that drew the previous weekend with Barnsley and that Manchester City were near full strength, the only bet in town on Wednesday night was to smash Pep Guardiola’s men.
I went conkers deep with £300 on City half-time full-time at 1/2 and also took 10/11 that they would cover a two-goal handicap. Suffice to say my a**e was nipping when Harry Bunn put the Terriers ahead early doors but thankfully common sense eventually prevailed as Pep’s men ran out 5-1 winners to land both bets.
Gambling incessantly on sport does nothing for your sex life. Relations with ‘er indoors were much improved on Wednesday to the point she was upstairs around 9pm Facetiming me her t**s. Sadly all I could focus on was Sergio Aguero’s tight buns and lush thighs as I silently pleaded with the Argentine to put the game to bed.
I was off the ale on Saturday but could not catch a break with the betting. A £20 Both Teams to Score – No Draw treble was undone by Brighton’s inability to find the net against Nottingham Forest. That’s high-flying Championship title contenders Brighton, and Nottingham Forest, whose defence is usually leakier than a Rwandan church roof.
I then chased my losses with a seemingly ludicrous £18 Treble that was paying £1100 (Newcastle win and both teams to score, Liverpool win and both teams to score and David Haye to win in rounds 1-3 against Tony Bellew).
The Reds and the Mags both did the business 3-1 so I was waiting on ‘The Hayemaker’ for a massive score. Sadly he looked a shadow of his former self, throwing absolute howlers at fresh air in the early rounds.
I was still on for a solid return if Haye won before the end of round six, having covered my bet, so you can imagine my dismay when Achilles went midway through the fight and he began walking around like a newborn baby horse. Things then just got ridiculous when his corner tried to fix his ruptured Achilles by wrapping sellotape round it. Haye hobbled on until round 11 but the die was cast.
All bets were off and to add insult to injury I then had a mate p**sed up and goading me on WhatsApp about my pick of Haye early. The lad had £7 on the fight finishing in round 11 at 100/1 and fair play to him. But it stuck in my throat a bit him giving it the big un afterwards like he was Sugar Ray Leonard, when a week ago he thought Bellew was the bear out of The Jungle Book.
Sunday began with me watching The Big Questions on BBC1. The perennially irritating and ubiquitous Nicky Campbell was hosting and they were genuinely debating ‘Should porn be on the school curriculum?’ I mean, what the f**k? All I’ll say on the matter is if it was, I’d have had a Masters by the age of 14.
In terms of the betting my poor form continued when I doubled Juventus with Tottenham. The latter won 3-2 against Everton but The Old Lady, miles clear at the top of Serie A, could only manage a 1-1 draw at Udinese. Suffice to say I was malato come une pappagallo.
Cheeky’s Punt of the Week: Hull City and Swansea to draw at 23/10 (Paddy Power)