Football365’s pre-season predictions: How we f***ed it
Here we go. We always admit when we have cocked it right up. Here are the predictions…
Who will win the league?
Of the five predictors, just one correctly backed Chelsea. And editor Sarah Winterburn has been sure to keep us aware of that since the turn of the year. Matt Stead and Nick Miller were crowing in October after backing Manchester City, but the frauds haven’t been seen since. Daniel Storey is in the naughty corner after falling for Jose Mourinho and Manchester United’s grand plans, but John Nicholson ensures that, for once, our Dan doesn’t look the silliest of all. ‘I refuse to buy into the idea that the most money spent will always win,’ said Johnny, before tipping West Ham.
And rest of the top four in order, please?
Our quintet should hang their heads in shame; everyone said Manchester United would finish in the top four. Winty, Storey and Stead only got two right each (Chelsea and Manchester City), while Nicholson correctly backed Chelsea and Liverpool; West Ham were an agonising 31 points behind. But Miller is the undoubted leader of this class, as he also tipped Jurgen’s boys, but was also the only one to envision Tottenham qualifying for the Champions League. ‘This is the year that Arsenal drop out,’ he wrote. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t stop there: ‘I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that Conte could be rubbish at Chelsea.’
Who are going down?
Considering the state that Hull started the season in, none of the five F365ers are particularly boastful about correctly expecting the Tigers to go down. But what is strange is that no-one saw Sunderland or Middlesbrough dropping with them. Any combination of Burnley, Swansea and Watford were offered by the experts alongside their Hull pick, with not a single soul forecasting trouble in the north-east. After all but one of us predicted Leicester to go down last season, everyone learned their lesson and decided not to provide reasoning here. Clever d*cks.
And the most difficult of all, where will Leicester finish?
‘I still think their tactics will work and work well,’ wrote Johnny after predicting a sixth-placed finish. He is battling with Stead, who expected the Foxes to finish ‘just behind Tottenham and Liverpool in seventh’, to look the most foolish here. Winty was close with ninth and Miller even more impressive with tenth, but it’s Storey who wins this one after predicting 11th. Twelfth was the answer, of course.
Which club will do surprisingly lovely things?
Now this is where things get interesting. We start with Winty, who expects that Middlesbrough ‘will be very, very comfortable’. Johnny also shows his colours by backing Boro, who ‘definitely had the best transfer window in terms of value for money’. Eesh.
Storey follows with his usual trick of saying that he ‘almost picked Liverpool for a top-four place’, so will choose them here. He is marked down for cheating. Not so Miller, who tips the Reds properly like a normal person.
As ever, Stead prepared for the long jump by sh*tting himself in the run-up. ‘Inspired by Phil Jagielka, Steven Pienaar, Marouane Fellaini, Leon Osman and Tony Hibbert, David Moyes’ Everton tribute act at Sunderland will finish comfortably mid-table. Is that surprisingly lovely? Who knows.’
We know. We all know. And you look silly.
Who will be top scorer?
No-one embarrasses themselves here, unlike last season when three of us said Wayne Rooney. Mind you, we all thought Harry Kane was a two-season wonder, as he received no backing. At this stage, a line from last season’s revisited predictions seems pertinent:
‘It’s slightly embarrassing that not one of us even mentioned Harry Kane. At that stage we still thought he was imaginary.’
You already know who Storey tipped – beautiful Romelu came ever so close – while Winterburn, Stead and Miller all fell for Sergio Aguero’s good looks. Zlatan Ibrahimovic received the love from Johnny, so to speak.
Who will be the best signing?
Miller wins again for praising N’Golo Kante and noting that Paul Pogba ‘will do some remarkable things but we’ll all be weighed down by the bullsh*t about whether he’s worth the money’. Then he went on about Andros Townsend. Shame.
Stead doesn’t do too badly with nods for Idrissa Gueye and Joel Matip, while Storey’s three selections of Viktor Fischer, Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Nathan Redmond scored a combined 11 goals and provided five assists in 4,690 Premier League minutes. So yeah.
Johnny expected Alvaro Negredo to ‘spearhead Middlesbrough’s challenge for a European place’, but it is Winterburn who brings us the very definition of ‘mixed bag’. Our dear leader predicts that Negredo will score 15 goals and that Mkhitaryan ‘will look like a bargain’ – although she adds that N’Golo Kante ‘will help win Chelsea the league’.
And which big-money buy will stink the place out?
Winty immediately makes up for her earlier mistake by tipping Nampalys Mendy and John Stones, who ‘will not magically be brilliant because he is being coached by Pep Guardiola’. Granit Xhaka, Marten de Roon and Yannick Bolasie are mentioned, while Johnny tried to negotiate the line between genius and madness. ‘Sadio Mane will be a big hit or a big miss and I’m going with the latter,’ he notes.
Elsewhere, Miller rightly feared for Manchester City signing an injury-prone Ilkay Gundogan for £20million, but he will be cursing developments late in the season. ‘I’m also not having Michy Batshuayi as a £33million player,’ he writes of the man whose goal won Chelsea the title.
Who will be this season’s Marcus Rashford, the kid who comes out of nowhere?
See, this is the thing with Winty: for every one thing she gets wrong, she’ll get another five right. She picks Tom Davies of Everton because he ‘has good hair’. Sickening. Johnny Nic had the right idea of looking at the squad lists of Goodison Park’s youth teams, but his choice of Mason Holgate is not quite as convincing. Still, it’s better than Tosin Adarabioyo (Stead) and James Ward-Prowse (Miller), for whom this was his fifth season in the bloody Premier League. Storey went for Chelsea’s Ola Aina, while predicting that Steve Cook would be an England international by season’s end.
First manager to leave their job (not necessarily sacked)?
After correctly tipping Dick Advocaat to be the first manager to leave last season, Stead makes it a unique one-two with his choice of Francesco Guidolin. Storey goes one further, tipping the former Swansea manager, while expecting things to ‘go south pretty quickly’ for Walter Mazzarri.
Winterburn and Miller look slightly silly after backing Tony Pulis to be the first to go, while Johnny excels. He chooses Chunky Pards, but also expresses his ‘weird feeling that David Moyes won’t do very well at all’. Top marks.
Finally, who would you most like to see fail, and why?
Well Winterburn, Stead, Nicholson and Miller were all granted their wish as Manchester United and Jose Mourinho went from Premier League title favourites to finishing in sixth. Je suis ABU365. This one belongs to Storey though, who wanted to see Arsene Wenger ‘taught a lesson’ through failure. Mind you, that lesson will probably result in a new two-year deal. Good old football.
So there you have it…Football365 taking the crystal out of crystal balls since 1997.