Hero Harry Kane NOT joining Chinese club

The Accused
Mediawatch thought the Mirror’s ‘Paul Pogba’s nightmare during Manchester United 1-1 Liverpool summed up in 10 funny/abusive tweets’ might be the nadir of the reaction to Sunday’s 1-1 draw between Manchester United and Liverpool. As invitations go, ‘roll up and read abusive tweets’ is among the most tempting we have ever received. Fingers crossed some of those lovely abusive tweets have a hint of racism. Wouldn’t that be entertaining?

But then we saw that, according to the Telegraph (‘No. 1 for football’, according to the front page of their newspaper): ‘Martin Tyler accused of ‘bias’ following Manchester United vs Liverpool commentary.’

Sounds official, right? Sounds like – at the very least – Martin Tyler has been accused of bias by a manager, player or perhaps club official.

But no, Sky Sports commentator Martin Tyler has actually been accused of ‘bias’ by some people on the internet. Yes, some people on the internet have a conspiracy theory. Some people on the internet are angry. Some people on the internet have been given a voice by some of the most shameless click whores in the business.

As of 10am on Monday, it’s second on their ‘MOST VIEWED’ list. Ker-bloody-ching.

We’re just amazed the Telegraph didn’t put this PREMIUM content behind their paywall. After all, what price can be placed on the views of some people on the internet?

Update: The piece is now headlined ‘Liverpool fans round on Martin Tyler following Manchester United’s last minute equaliser at Old Trafford’ and begins ‘Paranoid Liverpool fans are becomingly increasingly convinced that Sky Sports’ Martin Tyler is a secret Manchester United fan’.

Better…but only after some other people on the internet pointed out that the original headline was despicable.

 

Ain’t missing you at all
There have been thousands upon thousands of words written about Manchester United v Liverpool, but ‘thankfully as ever, Sportsmail were on hand to provide you with all the key aspects you missed’. Eight things we missed, to be exact.

One of those things you might have missed: ‘KLOPP AND MOURINHO CLASH ON THE SIDELINES.’

How the hell did they spot that? Thank you, Sportsmail, thank you. Without you, the TV cameras, Twitter, Facebook and every national newspaper and football website, we might have missed that.

 

Where did it all go so wrong?
The MailOnline have two big questions on their lead football article at 12pm on Monday:

‘Mourinho vs Guardiola in Manchester was supposed to become the great Premier League rivalry… so, why is it turning into 5th vs 6th?’

‘Manchester clubs were supposed to do battle for the Premier League title, but now City and United sit outside top four… just where did it all go wrong?’

Yes, where has it all gone wrong for Manchester United with their 12-match unbeaten run in the Premier League which leaves them six points better off than at the same stage last season?

As the Mail journalist Adam Shergold writes in the actual article:

‘A winning run through December and into the New Year indicated that Mourinho had finally found a successful formula, though the form of the teams above United explains why they are still sixth.

Ah. We have our answer.

 

Dogged defending
From The Sun Online’s ‘football’ pages:

‘SPURS sensation Dele Alli might not want to stray too far from the gates of his new mansion – his manor is a magnet for lewd doggers.

‘And their X-rated antics could have the England hot-shot and his gorgeous model girlfriend Ruby Mae crying foul.’

Never mind that his gorgeous model girlfriend Ruby Mae does not actually live with him; here are four pictures of the house’s ‘regular visitor’ alongside just three of the footballer.

Never mind that this ‘new mansion’ was actually bought last year, Sun reporter Stephen Moyes has ‘exclusively’ spotted adverts on ‘one notorious adult site’ for dogging in the area. How lucky that he stumbled across those adverts on a ‘notorious adult site’, presumably while working.

These two sentences are among our favourites in all ‘football reporting’:

‘During the day, the road is busy with green-minded locals dropping off items to recycle to do their bit to preserve the environment.

‘But once darkness falls the environment in the secluded road turns a distinct shade of blue as doggers meet up in cars to dump their underwear and romp with strangers.’

Phwoar.

 

Invisible Man
Garth Crooks in his BBC team of the week: ‘I have no problem with a professional footballer wanting to leave to triple his wages – but the way it has alleged to have been done is totally unacceptable. Thank goodness Chelsea have individuals in the team like (Marcos) Alonso who at the first sign of interest from elsewhere matched with an obscene amount of money don’t just down tools. There has to be a better way of professionals conducting themselves than that.’

Yes, well done Marcos Alonso for conducting yourself professionally in the wake of an entirely nonexistent offer from a Chinese Super League club.

 

Small-time Crooks
‘Pedro has won every trophy a player could win for club and country…’

…apart from every trophy available in England.

 

Long-ball football

Andy Cole? Dwight Yorke? Ole Gunnar Solskjaer? No, it’s ‘seven-game loan spell 33 years ago’ ex-Manchester United striker Garth Crooks.

Wow.

 

Chisel
Desperate stuff from The Sun’s Charlie Wyett as he attempts to crowbar the Dimitri Payet and Diego Costa shenanigans into his match report from the Tottenham match. This is how it begins:

‘EARNING silly money while living in London, playing Premier League football and being worshipped by fans is not enough for some.

‘Diego Costa wants to leave Chelsea for China.

‘Dimitri Payet is trying to quit West Ham and head home to France.

‘And team-mates of Alexis Sanchez at Arsenal are increasingly sure the Chilean also fancies a bit of Far East action.

‘Those players will not be last.’

We’re sure he’s getting to be the part where Tottenham beat West Brom some time soon…

‘Yet at Spurs, for the time being at least, the leading stars all seem content.

‘Star striker Kane hit a hat-trick in the mauling of the Baggies, with a Gareth McAuley own goal to complete the rout.

‘Young multi-millionaire footballers are developing a habit of changing their minds pretty quickly.

‘But Tottenham chief Mauricio Pochettino is unlikely to suffer the problems being faced by Chelsea’s Antonio Conte, Hammers boss Slaven Bilic and maybe, in the not-too-distant future, Arsene Wenger at Arsenal.’

Where to start? Well, if you’re Charlie Wyett, with some nonsense about players at other clubs, clearly. But ‘young multi-millionaire footballers’? Payet is 29 and both Costa and Sanchez are 28. We’re not sure we can compare foreign footballers in their late twenties with an English 23-year-old Academy product. Unless of course you’re the Football Editor of the best-selling newspaper in the UK.

 

Average minds…
Writes Darren Lewis in the Daily Mirror:

‘THEY may have unsettled Diego Costa, but Harry Kane has insisted the Chinese Super League’s cash will not derail Tottenham’s title challenge – or tempt him to the Far East.’

Thank f*** for that. We were genuinely worried that nonexistent offers from Chinese clubs would derail Tottenham’s title challenge or that 23-year-old new father and Englishman Harry Kane would move to China regardless of receiving no such offer.

 

China crisis
Let’s play a game of ‘spot the problem’ with this back-page ‘exclusive’ from the Daily Star:

‘DIEGO COSTA’S hopes of a mega-money move to China could be dashed. The Chelsea striker has been offered £600,000 a week to join Jiangsu Suning, who are also said to be willing to pay the Blues £80m for the 28-year-old. But new rules in China have restricted the number of overseas stars who can be fielded to three.’

Is it a) that ‘new Chinese rules’ cannot be ‘exclusive’ when they have been widely publicised?

Is it b) that we suspect spending £80m on Costa would probably suggest he would be picked ahead of Croatian international midfielder Sammir?

Or is it c) that Jiangsu Suning are not actually the club offering £80m for Diego Costa?

Oops. Maybe stick to ‘unnamed Chinese club’ in future, fellas.

 

Four ridiculous headlines from more successful websites
‘This is what Chelsea rebel Diego Costa did yesterday, is doing today and will do tomorrow’ – The Express. We hate to spoil this for you but it’s training, training and training.

‘Arsenal star Mesut Ozil named Germany’s Player of the Year for 2016 as the playmaker spends his spare time with a cobra’ – MailOnline. Factually correct, at least.

‘Top European manager: I want to sign this Chelsea midfielder’ – Daily Star. It’s Charly Musonda.

‘REVEALED: The 20 most valuable players in world football – and how Man United got themselves a bargain in Pogba’ – Daily Mirror. Two things: Can you ‘reveal’ a list published on the internet by the self-publicising CIES Football Observatory? And no, they really didn’t.

 

Recommended reading of the day
Michael Cox on Liverpool’s surprise diamond
Thore Haugstad on Man United’s long-ball tactics
Jack Lusby on Maxi Rodriguez as Liverpool transfer ideal