Yesterday we covered Liverpool, so today we move onto Manchester United. There’s plenty for Louis van Gaal/Jose Mourinho/Jorge Mendes to do over the summer:
David de Gea – Hide the f**king fax machine. They’ll never fall for it again.
Chris Smalling – There’s an argument for making him captain next season, if it makes dropping Rooney easier.
Luke Shaw – Back him, cuddle him, hold him and hope he’s as brilliant as when he got injured.
Matteo Darmian – By no means perfect, but merits perseverance after his first season in England.
Timothy Fosu-Mensah – Already becoming a cult hero, although being born in 1998 is unacceptable.
Daley Blind – Faces a battle to keep his first-team spot in defence if United spend big. Yet is still a bloody good sticking plaster for three positions, at worst.
Morgan Schneiderlin – Just play him every game for a season and see if it works. No more Marouane.
Anthony Martial – What a waste of money.
Marcus Rashford – If Mourinho arrives and Rashford gets pushed from centre stage, we’re all allowed to be worried about English youngsters.
Victor Valdes – Ha, Victor Valdes is still a United player.
Marcos Rojo – Can’t tackle particularly well and his decision-making and positional sense are poor. Apart from that.
Paddy McNair – He’s now probably third reserve in two positions. Which means he needs to move.
Adnan Januzaj – “Erm, can somebody offer £40m again please?”
Michael Carrick – Just because he was underrated by England for a while doesn’t mean United should keep him beyond his welcome.
Antonio Valencia – Turns 31 before the start of next season. Make it stop.
Bastian Schweinsteiger – Time to admit that the gamble did not pay off.
Sergio Romero – He’s a good No. 2, and should be allowed to continue being so.
Phil Jones – All together now: Could be like a new signing. Now go read this.
Guillermo Varela – How many bloody players do United have who can play at right-back…
Cameron Borthwick-Jackson – …And left-back.
Juan Mata – It’s easy to forget that Mata cost £38m. Always leaving us wanting more, like a well-written but ultimately unsatisfying soap opera.
Ashley Young – Only saved from the ‘sack’ category by last year’s decision to give him a new contract worth £110,000 a week. Who else is going to pay him that?
Marouane Fellaini – He’s fine as a Plan B. But Plan Bs shouldn’t cost £28m.
Ander Herrera – If he wasn’t so delicate, vulnerable-looking and flamboyant, plenty more people would be passing comment on just how bad his season was.
Jesse Lingard – A half-decent squad player who could somehow make his 33rd start of the season on Saturday.
Andreas Pereira – It’s impressive to be an underused young player at Old Trafford, but Pereira is.
Memphis Depay – Give him one more season, and hope for far, far better.
Wayne Rooney – “Sometimes you have to make choices in your career and at the moment it’s better for me to play deeper… probably next season that’s where I see myself playing.” Another one on that long list who become a creative playmaker for an elite club at the age of 30 or above. Hmmm.