It’s all about Anthony Martial – even though he was only as good as Dejan Lovren. He must now listen to Wayne Rooney. What?
Louis van Gaal, September 12, 8pm: “I don’t want to take any risks with our captain. I don’t think he shall play against PSV. It is a minor injury but I don’t want to take risk. I think he will play against Southampton next Sunday.”
Sky Sports News, September 14, 11am: ‘BREAKING: @WayneRooney ruled out of @ManUtd’s @ChampionsLeague game at @PSV. #SSNHQ’
Danny Murphy tries to convince us that things really aren’t so bad for Liverpool, telling the BBC: “It is never quite as easy as it looks on paper, but two home games against teams in the bottom half of the table are exactly what Liverpool need and I think they will go for the jugular against Norwich – look to dominate and score goals.”
Norwich are eighth – one place above Liverpool.
I Can See Clearly
This is quite simply bizarre from Charlie Wyett in The Sun:
‘As Everton celebrated their second goal wildly at Goodison Park, defender Terry picked up the ball and – unusually – walked to the half-way line. Once he approached the centre circle, he threw the ball towards Diego Costa and marched back, ignoring John Obi Mikel.
‘The ex-England defender was clearly disgusted at the team’s lack of protection for the defence.’
What the hell did you expect him to do? High five Mikel? Stop to chat about his Saturday night plans? Hold him until the tears stopped?
A Bug’s Life
Before Jose Mourinho put himself firmly in the media’s crosshairs with his ‘X-rated tunnel rant’ consisting of one swear word, it was all about crisis club Manchester United.
They are obviously a tad behind the zeitgeist at MailOnline, who erroneously thought we were still in the middle of ‘isn’t Van Gaal a bit mental, eh?’.
‘Manchester United have been sweeping their team hotel for bugs in a bid to stop Louis van Gaal’s team talks being listened in on,’ write Oliver Todd and Mike Keegan, a double act to truly rival Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox.
‘Old Trafford officials tested for listening devices at the Lowry Hotel in Manchester on the night before their 3-1 win over Liverpool before Van Gaal ran through his tactics with his players.’
Wow. Isn’t Van Gaal a bit mental, eh?
Oh, wait a minute, what’s this in the fourth paragraph?
‘The practice of checking for devices around United’s hotels has been in place since the David Moyes era in the 2013-14 season, when a voice recorder was found hidden in the former manager’s team meeting by pranksters.’
Right. As you were. Now isn’t Jose Mourinho a bit mental, eh?
Small-Time Crooks (Part One)
Who should Jose Mourinho have bought this summer? Go to the back of the class if you answered ‘John Stones’ or ‘any defensive midfielder so John Obi Mikel never has to play Premier League football again’.
No. Jose Mourinho should have bought Brendan Galloway. Yes, that’s Brendan Galloway of six Premier League appearances, including 45 minutes against Manchester City when he was – and this is the technical term – ripped a new bumhole by Jesus Navas.
‘At least Mourinho would have one left-back in his team who is naturally left-footed,’ writes Garth Crooks of the man he picks in midfield in his BBC team of the week.
Small-Time Crooks (Part Two)
Garth Crooks also has some advice for Anthony Martial, who has scored more goals in his first 25 minutes of Premier League football than Wayne Rooney in his last 900:
‘If Martial is bright he will do exactly what Wayne Rooney tells him and forge a relationship with his captain as soon as possible – a point that seems to have been lost on fellow new signing Memphis Depay.
‘Do what Rooney says, listen to what he says, and don’t try to be an overnight sensation, there’s plenty of time for that. You’ve had a great start now let Rooney and those boys around you make you a star.’
Yes. What Martial needs right now is advice from a man who has the first touch of a fat dad in loafers.
Wind Beneath My Wings
‘Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal enjoyed a celebratory dinner out on the town on Sunday night – and he certainly arrived in style,’ is one of the top ‘sports’ stories on MailOnline.
‘Just hours after seeing his side beat Liverpool, the Dutch manager was being whisked off to footballers’ favourite restaurant Wings, along with his wife Truus and a family friend.’
1) If it’s the following day, can it still be classed as ‘just hours later’?
2) How is this sodding news?
In Other ‘News’
‘Manchester United’s teenage striker Anthony Martial has continued to settle into life in his new city with a trip to popular Chinese restaurant Wing’s.’
We really hope the MailOnline staff get a discount.
The Joy Of Six
David McDonnell writes about Anthony Martial’s ‘stunning cameo’ and ‘stunning debut’, lit up by ‘a dazzling solo goal’ in the Daily Mirror.
His rating? 6/10. He was exactly as good as Dejan Lovren and Joe Gomez.
Painful Pun Of The Day
‘HONESTY is a dying art amid the propaganda, thespian charades and conceit of Premier League narcissists. So let’s hear it for Odion Ighalo and Ashley Williams, who were like two kids in a candour store…’ – Mike ‘Wacky’ Walters, The Daily Mirror.
Irish Headline Of The Day
‘Wes Hoolahan key to Nowrich’s first win’ – The Irish Examiner.
It was Nowrich’s first win, but Norwich’s second…
Headline Of The Day
‘IT’S FIELD MARIAL VAGUE’ – The Sun.
Worst Headline Of The Day
‘THREE MASON’ – The Sun. It’s like FREEMASON and they got THREE points. For f***’s sake.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
‘A SCOTTISH virgin has revealed on TV that he has been fitted with a bionic penis after his was ripped off in a horror crash. Mo Abad, who is from Edinburgh, gave an incredibly honest interview on This Morning earlier today. Speaking to presenters Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield , he revealed he underwent the final stages of his surgery last week which has now left him with an eight inch penis. However, he claimed he was left with an an embarrassing problem. “I came out of hospital on July 10th and had to keep my penis erect for two weeks,” he revealed. “It needed to be erect so that it could heal.”‘ – Daily Record.
Thanks to today’s Mediawatch spotters Colin Rogers and Paul Dean.If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org