If you’re the Daily Mail, you only exonerate an Englishman, not Arsenal’s best player on the night. Plus, Petr Cech as ‘marquee’ signing, some co-efficients debunking and the Power Rankings…
Marquee the lonely
In The Guardian’s match report of the Arsenal match, Petr Cech is namechecked as their ‘marquee’ summer signing. Presumably that’s ‘marquee’ used in the sense of Chesney Hawkes’s seminal 1991 hit, ‘The One and Marquee’.
Please someone think of the co-efficients
‘Brace yourself for the unthinkable if it means stopping English clubs losing their grip on Europe,’ begins Chief Football Writer John Cross in the Daily Mirror as he urges fans to cheer on their rival teams in Europe to protect our four Champions League places.
‘That Premier League has already been overtaking by the Bundesliga,’ writes Cross, who really should be nicer to the Mirror’s sub-editors, ‘and Serie A is rapidly narrowing the gap.’
Except they’re really not.
So far this season, England have actually increased their lead over Italy in coefficients by 0.959 points. Which we don’t believe counts as ‘rapidly narrowing the gap’.
Let’s leave it to co-efficients guru Dale Johnson of ESPN to explain: ‘We won’t get to see a clearer picture of what could happen until the end of the group stages in the two competitions – but, at present, Germany and England will keep four Champions League places and hold a healthy advantage over Italy.’
We are choosing to believe the man with the calculator rather than the man with the hyperbole machine.
There is a new nadir in the ‘5 things we learned’ phenomenon (largely just ‘five things we have just seen’ when published so close to the final whistle).
From 90 absorbing minutes at the Emirates, The Sun ‘learned’ that ‘Santi Cazorla looks odd with one blue and one orange boot’.
Every day’s a school day.
I can explain
‘It is incredible to think that Wenger named four defenders as substitutes, leaving him little option to attack other than Aaron Ramsey. That will take some explaining,’ writes Neil Ashton in his own fistful of learnings on MailOnline.
Well, if we must.
Olivier Giroud was suspended, while Danny Welbeck, Jack Wilshere, Tomas Rosicky and Mikel Arteta were all injured; Wenger named all the fit and available senior players at his disposal.
He’s right; it did only take some explaining.
Also learned by Ashton on Tuesday night: ‘The only player who can be properly exonerated from this shambolic defeat is their forward, Theo Walcott.’
Not Alexis Sanchez? Or is scoring one goal, assisting another and dribbling past 12 players all a bit sh*t? Well, he is foreign.
‘Chelsea are a stain on humanity’ – shocking attack on Blues by Arsenal comedian’ is the headline on the Daily Express online.
No, not Arsene Wenger, but Alan Davies. Or Jonathan Creek, if you prefer.
Mediawatch is pretty sure that Davies is an ‘Arsenal-supporting comedian’. Or do we have to start referring to David Cameron as the
West Ham Aston Villa prime minister
Tweet of the day
— Sky Sports Football (@SkyFootball) September 30, 2015
We’re not sure what bothers us more – the sh*t concept or the apostrophe.
Keeping it real
Mediawatch is developing a morbid fascination with Sky Sports’ Power Rankings, which calculated last week that West Brom goalkeeper Boaz Myhill was the Premier League’s in-form player. It’s absolutely definitely not flawed.
This week, Myhill – who conceded three goals from four shots on target on Monday night – has dropped. And been replaced at the top of the Power Rankings by Tottenham’s Hugo Lloris.
If you are starting to think that the algorithm used to calculate this prestigious award is weighted towards goalkeepers, then we suggest you take a glimpse at the methodology.
Where outfield players receive two points for a completed pass, cack-footed goalkeepers get 20. And a hand job (not really).
They also receive 20 points for an ‘accurate keeper sweeping’, 200 points for a catch, 250 points for a save and 600 points for a ‘saving catch’ (it’s not clear whether they get an extra 450 points for the ‘catch’ and ‘save’ element of this mysterious ‘saving catch’).
Is David Ospina the statistician?
Warning Of the day
We might just start doing a ‘Graeme Bryce of the day’.
‘AROUNA KONE has warned under-fire Brendan Rodgers: Romelu Lukaku will be your worst nightmare at Goodison,’ writes our new ‘favourite’ in The Sun.
What has Kone actually said?
“When he is at his best, Lukaku helps the whole team play well. He’s a very good striker and proved it by scoring two at West Brom and setting up my goal.”
Brendan, you have been warned.
Newsnow headline of the day
‘Liverpool midfielder urged to seal move away from the club to make ‘next step” – headline on the Daily Star website.
Which Liverpool midfielder? Leiva Lucas? Adam Lallana? Emre Can? No, it’s Liverpool midfielder Cameron Brannagan. He of ‘ten minutes in the Europa League’ fame.
‘highly-rated Manchester United target’
‘£90m Real Madrid superstar’
We just call him Ronaldo. The Daily Star website have had several other ideas in the last seven days.
It could be worse; twisted sister website the Daily Express called him ‘the new David Beckham’ last week.
Coming to a cinema near you soon – Highly-rated Manchester United target: The Movie
Football ‘news’ of the day
From MailOnline: ‘Golf is an adored pastime for most footballers but Chuba Akpom is a late starter.’
Yes. That’s ‘Hull striker plays golf’.
We’re sobbing here.
Headline of the day
‘PORT AND LEMONS’ – The Daily Mirror.
Worst headline of the day
‘Monchendadbach’ – The Sun. Kevin de Bruyne is having a baby, you see.
Football story of the day revisited
‘Liverpool goalkeeper Lawrence Vigouroux has resumed his loan spell with Swindon after apologising for paying a fine with one penny pieces. He was sent back to Anfield after using 5,000 coins to pay a £50 fine for turning up late to training. The 21-year-old has played nine games for Swindon after joining them on a season-long loan, with one clean sheet.
‘”Lawrence is going to come back. He is very humble and very apologetic,” boss Mark Cooper told BBC Wiltshire. Vigouroux attended Tuesday’s 2-2 draw with Doncaster Rovers and could now come into contention for selection for Saturday’s game at Blackpool. “He knows the way he behaved was wrong and he has been in the changing room after the game and apologised to the players,” Cooper said.
‘”He asked them if they wanted him back and they all said yes. Lawrence is an exceptional young goalkeeper and it’s important he learns from this little mishap and it will benefit his career going forward.”
‘Asked about the nature of the issue, Cooper confirmed: “It did happen and I thought it was brilliant banter, but in the context it was the wrong way to go about it. We are giving him a second chance and I’m sure he will be grateful.”‘ – BBC Sport.
Thanks to Ed Quoththeraven. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.