It’s a classic Garth Crooks BBC team of the week: Eight goalscorers (darn it, only two defenders scored goals) and no defensive-minded midfielder; Kevin De Bruyne is going to have to get through a whole lot of work in that midfield as well as being its creative force.
But as usual, it’s in Crooks’ words where the real gold can be found.
‘The acquisition of Mandanda, Benteke and Loic Remy has once again established Pardew’s business acumen. If he were to get £50m for Zaha this season I suggest he gives up football and becomes the chairman of the Confederation of British Industry!’
You do know that he doesn’t do the actual, you know, business right?
‘When I saw Laurent Koscielny sitting in the stands recovering from his European Championship exploits when his team-mates were in desperate need of defenders against Liverpool, it made me question his commitment to Arsenal’s cause.’
So you think Pardew takes his briefcase to meetings and thrashes out transfer details, and now you think Koscielny picks the Arsenal side? Been following football for long, Garth?
Kiss from a Rose
In all fairness to Garth, he has at least chosen players who, y’know, played in the Premier League at the weekend. The same cannot be said of the Metro.
‘Tottenham are back! Or so it seems after a convincing 4-0 victory over Stoke City,’ writes Max Miller in his Team of the Week column. Danny Rose is at left-back.
‘Rose was one of the many Spurs stars to finally hit their straps after a steady start to the campaign, contributing at both ends of the pitch to ensure the north Londoners came away with all three points.’
That’s all well and good, Max. The only problem is that Rose did not play against Stoke; he wasn’t even on the bench.
The man in the back…
The Daily Mirror’s David McDonnell told us ‘exclusively’ on Friday’s back page that Marcus Rashford would start the Manchester derby (he didn’t). He then told us on Saturday’s back page that Pep Guardiola had accused Zlatan Ibrahimovic of ‘stabbing him in the back (he hadn’t), so congratulations on a hat-trick of bullsh*t back pages with Monday’s effort.
Apparently, ‘JOSE MOURINHO admitted he blundered by leaving Marcus Rashford on the bench for the Manchester derby’.
Which is odd because we are pretty sure that Mourinho simply said the following: “The next big game is against Feyenoord and that is the next game he is going to play. That’s the only thing I can say.”
That’s enough, Jose. No need for anything else. That’s a stark admission of a blunder, it seems. We await the same from McDonnell.
Oh Gary Neville.
“The FA invested in me for four years. I’m the most experienced I’ve ever been, yet you get chucked overboard. I’ve been to eight tournaments as a player and three as a coach. I’m probably the only English coach that’s managed in La Liga at a top-four club in the past 15-20 years – even if it was only for four months.”
Mediawatch cannot let this go unchallenged.
First, you didn’t go to eight tournaments as a player; you went to five.
Secondly, simply ‘going’ to tournaments does not make you a candidate to be a coach. And the three you attended as a coach were pretty much unmitigated disasters.
Thirdly, you took over ‘top-four club’ Valencia when they were in ninth and left them in 14th, just six points clear of relegation. There’s a reason you only lasted four months, fella.
Man overboard. For a reason.
Prescient headline of the weekend
So now he’s f***ed?
Cocking all over the world
The Sun’s Football Editor Charlie Wyett was one of several British journalists who flew to Italy to ‘cover’ Joe Hart’s debut for Torino. Mediawatch would love to know if The Sun believe they got their money’s worth from that particular expenses claim after Wyett produced these risible words for their back page…
‘JOE HART suffered a double embarrassment in his first game for Torino. His mistake cost a goal in the 2-1 defeat at Atalanta and the England No1 was called JOHN Hart on the official Serie A team-sheet.
‘Hart’s full name is Charles Joseph John Hart. Before the game, Status Quo’s Whatever You Want was played. He will want the Italians to get his name correct.’
That’s one really sodding expensive ‘joke’.
Not on the same page
Jamie Redknapp, Daily Mail, p75: ‘I KNOW people will focus on his mistakes in the derby but Claudio Bravo is going to be a huge asset to Manchester City.’
Headline in the Daily Mail, p76: ‘BRAVO FOR PEP, BUT NOT CLAUDIO. New keeper is City’s weak link.’
When Jamie Redknapp is the voice of reason…
Talking of jokes..
Arsenal new boy Mustafi makes a German joke even before we've had a chance. PS. I'm part German so I'm allowed. https://t.co/tsbYYoWhiM
— John Cross (@johncrossmirror) September 12, 2016
And what was this ‘joke’? Over to you, Crossy:
‘”I’m a German. We are known for staying in the game until the end and that’s what gave us the three points,” smiled Mustafi.’
And people say Germans have no sense of humour…
What’s £5m between friends?
‘CHRISTIAN BENTEKE insisted his £32million fee was no burden as he helped fire Palace up the league,’ writes Simon Bird in the Daily Mirror.
Probably because it was £27m.
Congratulations to QPR striker Sebastian Polter for making The Sun’s Championship team of the week after playing 45 minutes of a game that was 0-0 when he left the pitch. He touched the ball 15 times and completed six passes. But those six passes…wow.
The Mail 4 Wing’s
A Mediawatch reader visited Wing’s this weekend. He does not mention whether he ate a ‘cylinder of joy’ but he did spot this mural on the wall…
Check out the logo in the top left-hand corner and wonder no more about why Mail Online are obsessed with writing about Wing’s.
Thanks to today’s Mediawatch spotters Matthew Long, Joshua S and Tim Collins. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting ‘Mediawatch’ in the subject field.