Mediawatch: Man United, grumpiness, Usain Bolt and…

Matt Stead

Fool’s errand
After taking a break on Thursday, presumably to cheer himself up after mournfully reminiscing over how good England used to be (when they finished second in their 1998 World Cup group behind Romania and were subsequently knocked out in the next round), Chief Grumpypants II Neil Ashton returns in The Sun on Friday:

‘Watching the final 15 minutes of England’s training session at St George’s Park on Tuesday was like something from the local rec,’ he writes, without a hint of exaggeration.

‘It was, to put it mildly, a shambles.

‘Three Lions chief Gareth Southgate, opening the doors to media and to several hundred members of the general public, should know by now that image is everything.

‘Instead, he allowed England’s players, including Joe Hart and Jack Butland, to make fools of themselves.

‘The goalkeepers were flinging themselves at diving headers and attempting overhead kicks in a ludicrous, unsupervised finish to the session.’

To repeat, this was during ‘the final 15 minutes’. How dare the players try and enjoy themselves and have fun towards the very end of an intense training session?

It’s almost as if they did all the proper training before the assembled media were invited to watch. How very ‘ludicrous’ indeed.

 

Finders, keepers
Ashton, perceptive as ever, has spotted a common theme on the international scene:

‘This has been a problem position for England in recent years, with doubts surfacing about Hart after he was bombed by Pep Guardiola at City,’ Ashton writes. He’s ‘bombed’ him? Bloody hell.

‘Other countries, the world’s leading nations, seem to have it all sewn up ahead of the World Cup.

‘Spain are sorted with David de Gea. France have Hugo Lloris. Germany rely on Manuel Neuer when he is fully fit.’

This just in: David de Gea is better than Jordan Pickford. More as we get it.

 

Hit the road, Jack
Jack Wilshere will unfortunately not feature against Holland on Friday, and the Daily Mirror’s website have done some undercover research to try and decipher what caused his latest injury setback.

You see, ‘images have emerged’ – which roughly translates to ‘we’ve found these pictures online’ – which show ‘England players taking part in a bizarre drill’.

We are then treated to seven pictures of said ‘bizarre drill’, which involved players throwing and catching a Nerf ball.

‘Southgate’s squad are seen throwing the foam toy around at St. George’s Park – although there is some physicality involved as they try to wrestle it off another,’ writes Liam Prenderville, tutting and shaking his head as he types each letter.

But the headline to the article is a real doozy: ‘Did Jack Wilshere pick up injury in Nerf ball drill during England training ahead of Holland clash?’

Not according to your own penultimate paragraph, no.

‘There is no suggestion that Wilshere picked up the injury during the drill’

Glad that’s cleared up.

 

Bolt from the blue
You might assume that the biggest football story on Friday revolves around England, their upcoming friendlies, and their continued preparation for the World Cup. You would be wrong.

The Daily MailDaily Mirror and Daily Express are all in unanimous agreement that Usain Bolt’s training session with Borussia Dortmund eclipses any actual football news. Each have the story top of their respective websites.

But while the Mail admit Bolt ‘looked a little off the pace’ and the Express lead with a video of the training session, the Mirror go all out. ’10 things we noticed as Manchester United hopeful Usain Bolt begins trial with Borussia Dortmund,’ reads their headline.

The things the Mirror noticed from the ‘trial’ are as follows:

  1. ‘Welcome, Usain. Kit man’s upstairs…’ – accompanied with a picture of Bolt arriving and a man pointing upwards.
  2. ‘Here’s your kit, good luck!’ – accompanied with a picture of Bolt receiving said kit. ‘It’s all getting very real now,’ you see.
  3. ‘Some familiar faces!’ – accompanied with pictures of Bolt greeting Marco Reus and Julian Weigl.
  4. First time in the dressing room’ – accompanied with a picture of Bolt in the dressing room. He ‘is now changed and ready to go’.
  5. Gotze introduces Bolt to the tactics board’ – accompanied with a picture of Gotze talking to Bolt and pointing to a tactics board. ‘The 25-year-old appears to be pointing at the team sheet,’ apparently. He does, to be fair.
  6. Bolt warms up in The Footbonaut’ – accompanied with a picture of Bolt warming up in ‘this little arena’.
  7. ‘Let’s get training!’ – accompanied with three pictures of Bolt training.
  8. ‘One of our own’ – accompanied with a picture of Bolt talking to the players while training.
  9. ‘Finish up with some conditioning and gym work’ – accompanied with a picture of Bolt in the gym.
  10. ‘The day ends with a quick stadium tour’ – accompanied with two picture of Bolt being shown around the stadium.

The article itself contains 571 words, 14 pictures, one video and a bucketload of ‘say what you see’.

This is definitely the biggest football story on Friday. And it definitely warranted putting ‘Manchester United’ in the headline.

 

I spy
Writes John Cross in the Daily Mirror:

‘England manager Gareth Southgate has given himself two major tests as part of the World Cup preparations. The Three Lions tackle Holland this evening before entertaining Italy at Wembley on Tuesday night.

‘Two opponents with a glorious past but out in the international wilderness after failing to qualify for Russia.

‘But while Southgate weighs up everything from who will be his No.1 keeper to what formation – 3-4-3 or 3-5-2 – best suits his players, eyes will also be elsewhere.

‘No one can doubt that Belgium are favourites ahead of England to win World Cup Group G and Southgate will send spies to their friendly with Saudi Arabia in Brussels next Tuesday.’

Scouts. He will send scouts. He isn’t in MI6.

 

Belgium waffle
Writes John Cross elsewhere in the Daily Mirror:

‘Belgium boss Roberto Martinez is no stranger to English football and, reassuringly, the Belgian players largely ply their trade in the Premier League.

‘When Martinez this week talked about potential burnout for England’s players, you begin to wonder what he can be talking about because his top stars play here too.’

One might indeed begin to wonder that. But only if they didn’t read Martinez’s actual quotes.

“One of the biggest issues is how you get the players who have been through the demands of the Premier League to refresh in time and then be up for major tournaments. My personal experience of seven seasons in the Premier League is seeing players getting to March with mental fatigue. If you want to be competitive at international level, the players need to have a mental break in the winter. That’s why we need to be careful of this camp and that’s why we’ve picked to play only one game. We have to have in mind the mental state of the players.”

‘We’ being Belgium, who have ensured to play only one friendly during the current international break so as to not risk, as Cross puts it, ‘potential burnout’.

 

OK Supercomputer
Of course, the Daily Star are reluctant to forget the Premier League. And so they have asked a ‘super computer’ to predict the final table.

It might shock you to learn that the only movement in the current top six is Liverpool and Tottenham trading places, and that the current bottom three will be the final bottom three. West Ham and Huddersfield are the only clubs to move more than one place.

Long live the supercomputers.