Mediawatch: Need pace? Pick Rooney then…

Daniel Storey

What’s the second-biggest football story of the day?
According to The Sun website, it’s Luke Shaw giving his mother a lift in his car (the s*ck bastard) and Anthony Martial getting a taxi. Sometimes Mediawatch thinks that footballers might be actual human beings.

As part of such stunning reporting, The Sun wonder whether Martial ‘lost his keys’ or just fancied getting a cab. It truly is one of the great existential questions of our age.

 

Magic man
Jose Mourinho might be all glum about taking apart and re-assembling his Corby trouser press every night of the week, but Manchester United’s manager can take heart that he has been presented with a ‘how to’ guide on turning the ship around. Yes, Paul Merson has spoken on Skysports.com.

The piece is sold as ‘advice’ for Mourinho, so Mediawatch greatly enjoyed the section entitled ‘Best XI unknown’. Here it is in its entirety:

‘The real problem is Mourinho still doesn’t know who his best team is, which is worrying. That’s the big problem to sort out.’

Thanks for that ‘advice’, oracle.

Merson’s big issue with Mourinho’s United is the lack of pace in the final third:

‘Ibrahimovic isn’t going to run away from anybody,’ he writes. ‘You don’t win anything in this day and age without pace up front. City have Sergio Aguero and Raheem Sterling, Arsenal have Alexis Sanchez and Theo Walcott and Liverpool have Sadio Mane. Ibrahimovic doesn’t offer you that.’

It’s at this point Mediawatch shouts out the names of Marcus Rashford and Anthony Martial, but it is Merson’s solution to this problem that made us hoot loudest.

‘I think Wayne Rooney has got to come back in. He got the blame before they dropped him and they’ve not improved since them. He got dropped for not doing too much wrong.’

Because Wayne ‘Usain Bolt’ Rooney is truly the man to sort out that pace issue.

‘At the moment I just don’t think Mourinho has options that he likes on the bench,’ is Merson’s final flourish. ‘At least if he drops Ibrahimovic then he’ll have an option to bring him on.’

Merson hasn’t worked out that if you drop Ibrahimovic, one of those options Mourinho “doesn’t like” on the bench would therefore be in the starting team, has he?

As ever, we can only doff our cap. Magnificent.

 

Fighting talk
With a Manchester derby on Wednesday evening, the Daily Mail stoke up the fire.

‘Guardiola: We can beat you with our reserves, United,’ reads the headline on Chris Wheeler’s (perfectly reasonable) piece.

That jumped out at Mediawatch, for Guardiola is not a manager often prone to making such claims before big games. So, what did Manchester City’s boss say to provoke that headline?

“I think everyone can believe this competition is not the big one. Before that you’ve got the Premier League, the (FA) Cup, the Champions League.

“I never consider one game more important, but our last games were tough. I have to consider the condition of the players. Three days after it’s West Brom (in the Premier League) then Barcelona, and they are so important as well.

“We are going to rotate. Some of them will play, first because they deserve and second because it was tough in the last games. People are tired.”

Yes, that’s it.

‘Pep Guardiola sends for his reserves to humiliate Jose Mourinho,’ reads the headline on the web version of the story. Have a word, Chris.

 

Slow news day
‘The 20 slowest Premier League players – revealed’ is the headline at the top (the top!) of the Daily Telegraph’s football homepage on Wednesday morning. A 21-page gallery (each with its own URL, natch) is considered to be the biggest news in football; online debate truly has won.

Mediawatch could point out that a ‘slowest Premier League player’ list including Manchester United’s Memphis Depay might be a crock of sh*t given that he’s a) played 12 minutes so far this season and b) is clearly quite fast.

So fast in fact that he was revealed as United’s second-quickest player last season. He must have had a big summer.

 

The Zengabus
There is a certain delight in Martin Samuel’s detailing of Walter Zenga’s sacking by Wolverhampton Wanderers after just three months in charge.

Samuel uses his Daily Mail column to remark upon the foolishness of his appointment, and on that point Mediawatch does not disagree. It is the extension of that argument to foreign managers in general that rankles.

‘Walter Zenga had managed across three continents, seven countries and 15 clubs. Not one of them was English,’ Samuel begins. ‘Zenga, 58 caps for Italy and a title winner with Inter Milan, had never played or managed here.’

‘Typically, he satisfied the shallow modern owners’ desire for a famous name. Wolves are controlled by Fosun International, a Chinese conglomerate — but while modern Chinese domestic football is new and relies heavily on marquee transfers and inflated investment, the second tier of English football has been in existence since 1892 and has a few more layers.

‘Fosun are a dangerous breed: they thought fame alone would bring success and, when challenged, did not have the resolve to let Zenga do it the old-fashioned way, as a proper manager, in a proper league.’

It would be interesting to know whether David Wagner would come under Samuel’s remit of ‘proper manager’, doing rather well at Huddersfield Town after never playing or managing here before…

Or Carlos Carvajal, doing rather well at Sheffield Wednesday after never playing or managing here before…

Or Aitor Karanka, who got Middlesbrough promoted last season after never playing or managing here before…

Or Slavisa Jokanovic, who got Watford promoted the season before having never managed here before…

 

Clutching at straw men
We’ve missed Samuel’s column over the last few weeks, but he’s back with his party trick: a tremendous straw man. It’s on Wayne Rooney.

‘New managers sometimes go early with the big calls to show strength but, even so, it makes no sense that Jose Mourinho should tell Wayne Rooney he can leave after just four games out of the team,’ Samuel begins.

‘Rooney was injured for the match at Chelsea and started in the 4-1 win over Fenerbahce, but was on the bench for the fixtures against Leicester, Zorya, Stoke and Liverpool. He came on every time, though, and in three of the four games with the score tied 0-0. So why would Mourinho jettison the player so casually?

‘There has been no suggestion that Rooney is being disruptive, he is the captain of the club, an influence in the dressing-room and is used regularly as a substitute. Maybe, several months down the line, if Rooney is dissatisfied with cameo roles there may be a decision to make.

‘Yet now, with some distance to go before the January window? Why would Mourinho create a drama where none exists — particularly after announcing last week that he would ‘never’ sell the player? To go back on his word, and so soon, would leave him terribly vulnerable at a time when he needs all the allies he can muster to pull Manchester United around.’

Which is fine, but only if Mourinho has indeed done or said the thing that Samuel accuses him of. We’re going to assume that Samuel is taking his lead from Tuesday’s reports that Rooney could leave.

‘JOSE MOURINHO has told Wayne Rooney he needs to move if he wants regular first team football,’ that exclusive from The Sun’s Neil Custis read.

‘The Manchester United boss has informed Rooney’s advisers that he simply cannot guarantee him a starting place any longer. While he is not actively looking to sell him he does not want to keep Rooney’s camp in the dark about his future plans.’

So you’re angry at Mourinho wanting to sell Rooney, but the recent evidence for Mourinho wanting to sell Rooney says that Mourinho is not looking to sell Rooney? Grand.

 

Conflicting reports
‘Ryan Giggs to Wigan: Latics target Manchester United legend after sacking Gary Caldwell,’ reads the headline on The Sun’s website. It’s a job in the top two divisions of English football – of course Giggs is being touted for it.

Unfortunately for everyone’s downtrodden British wannabe manager, even The Sun can’t make up their minds. Two inches to the right of that headline is an ‘exclusive’ from Alan Nixon: ‘Wigan Athletic to offer Karl Robinson a return to management just two days after he was sacked by MK Dons.’

Forever the bridesmaid, Ryan.

 

Mitro’s on (50% more) fire
Poor Luke Edwards of the Daily Telegraph. He’s sent to St James’ Park to watch Newcastle play Preston, writes a perfectly good match report about Aleksandar Mitrovic scoring twice – twice – in a 6-0 win and then the headline writers don’t even bother to read it:

 

‘Exclusive’
Shout out to the Daily Mirror for putting an ‘exclusive’ tag on Adrian Kajumba’s story that Manchester United defender Eric Bailly is set to miss the ‘rest of the year’.

You might think that the Daily Mail already took that exclusive on Tuesday, but you’d be wrong. The Mail said ‘two months’, but that only takes you to December 26. Go for ‘rest of the year’ and you get to add an extra five days and make it an exclusive.

 

Anyone know who made the 1991/2 League Cup draw?

‘When Donald Trump made the draw for the League Cup in 1992’ – Eurosport, February 3.

*Fast forward six months*

‘Donald Trump once made the League Cup quarter-final draw and picked out Leeds United v Manchester United’ – The Sun, October 8.

‘Watch Donald Trump make the draw for the 1992 League Cup quarter-finals. Yes, seriously…’ – Mirror Football, October 12.

‘Donald Trump may be running for President… but he was once involved in the Rumbelows Cup draw!’ – Daily Mail, October 17.

‘How US presidential candidate Donald Trump paired Leeds and Man Utd in the 1992 League Cup’ – Daily Express, October 20.

‘Watch Donald Trump make 1992 League Cup draw – he picked Leeds v Man United!’ – Daily Star, October 21.

‘Watch Donald Trump make the 1991/92 Rumbelows Cup draw’ – Skysports.com, October 26.

This is definitely the worst thing about the US election…

 

Ask a simple question
‘Would Marouane Fellaini get into any other top 10 team?’ – Paul Merson, Skysports.com.

Yep.

 

Recommended reading of the day
Paul MacInnes on the troubles at Watford.

Alex Hess on Liverpool’s defence.

Michael Cox on specialist set-piece takers.