Mediawatch special on that Garth Crooks team…
It’s time for Garth Crooks’ BBC team of the season, which means it’s time for Mediawatch to make a coffee, crack its fingers and start typing.
* In goal is Thibault Courtois, and Crooks starts by saying that ‘there cannot be many Premier League goalkeepers who can claim to have had a better season than Manchester United’s David de Gea’. Yes, Courtois is in a truly exclusive club along with Hugo Lloris, Simon Mignolet, Petr Cech, Tom Heaton, Lee Grant and Jordan Pickford.
‘The Chelsea player has won the title, and is another game from completing his first Premier League and FA Cup Double. There are not many players who can claim that either.’
Well, there are literally tens of players who can claim to have won a Premier League and FA Double (it has happened seven times) and every other member of the Chelsea squad – barring John Terry – is just one game away from joining that club. But still, well done Thibault.
* In his choice of Cesar Azpilicueta, Crooks writes:
‘The Spain international has not missed a league fixture. The only other Chelsea player with such consistency in recent times is Branislav Ivanovic, and I thought he was irreplaceable. Apparently not – Azpilicueta seems to have done it.
‘John Terry aside, you would have to go back to the days of Eddie McCreadie and Ron Harris – who played for the Blues in the 1960s and 1970s – to find defenders who played every league fixture. It is virtually unheard of in the modern era.’
Except, well, Ben Gibson, Steve Cook and Joel Ward have all done exactly the same this season. And the last time it did not happen at all was ten seasons ago. But yes, ‘virtually unheard of in the modern era’ by pundits who are stuck in the past.
* It’s a game of (odd) opinions so Crooks choosing Toby Alderweireld over Jan Vertonghen is of little interest to Mediawatch, but his reasoning is simply wonderful:
‘I sense if Alderweireld were to leave Tottenham then he would, in my opinion, be the most difficult player to replace.
‘I say this because it was in my FA Cup interview for Football Focus, before the semi-final with Chelsea, that I raised with the Belgium defender the issue about his contract. To my amazement he had not signed it at the time and, with Barcelona always on the look-out for top-class defenders, suddenly visions of him defecting to the Spanish giants became plausible.’
So he fears Tottenham might struggle to replace him because he – Garth Crooks – once asked him about his contract in an interview? Of course, anyone who hasn’t interviewed the Belgian thinks he will be a piece of piss to replace.
* On David Luiz:
‘The Brazil centre-back has played this season with an authority that I have only seen in great defenders. Dutch master Rudi Krol and Italian great Paolo Maldini both had it, while Liverpool legend Alan Hansen and Arsenal hero Tony Adams also produced such performances in their careers.
‘Needless to say all the players I have mentioned won honours befitting their status. David Luiz is having the season football players dream about. Only losing the FA Cup could possibly spoil it.’
Here for your delectation is a list of the trophies won by Luiz since 2009/10.
Primeira Liga – 2009/10
Portuguese Cup – 2009/10, 2010/11
Ligue Un – 2014/15, 2015/16
Coupe de France – 2014/15, 2015/16
Coupe de la Ligue – 2014/15, 2015/16
Premier League – 2016/17
FA Cup – 2011/12
Champions League – 2011/12
Europa League – 2012/13
Mediawatch would like to humbly suggest that Luiz has already won honours befitting his status.
* This from Garth Crooks on N’Golo Kante is just delicious:
‘Just before it was announced who was about to win the PFA Players’ Player of the Year award, Spurs legend Clive Allen turned to me and said: “I really hope its N’Golo Kante.”
‘I agreed with the remark, and so did five other guests who had remained silent until that point.’
Had five other guests really ‘remained silent’ until that point, or had they just not managed to get a sodding word in edgeways.
‘Turned to me’ is lovely. Yes, it really is all about you, Garth.
* Eden Hazard is at wing-back. Of course.
* On Dele Alli:
‘There is no doubting his talent but he’s not the finished article by any means. The title ‘young’ player of the year is very fitting, however.’
Mediawatch has been staring at that ‘however’ for some time and we are no nearer to working out why it is there.
The title ‘young’ player of the year is very fitting because he is 21, Garth.
* Next comes Philippe Coutinho and Crooks is in love…
‘People who read my team of the week on a regular basis will know what I think of Philippe Coutinho. Frankly, Liverpool would have been sunk this season without him.
‘If you don’t believe me, look at Liverpool’s form when he was out of action for two months with injury. Yes, they lost Sadio Mane to the Africa Cup of Nations at the time but Mane without Coutinho is like having Rush without Dalglish.’
Well, we didn’t believe you, so we looked at Liverpool’s form without Coutinho. And we found that their win percentage with Coutinho this season was 58%, which plummets to, erm, 56% without him. However did they cope?
As for Sadio Mane, those win rates are 68% with him and 42% without him.
And as for Mane without Coutinho (or Rush without Dalglish, if you prefer), that win percentage is a pitiful 70%.
It’s almost like Garth did not think to check the things that he asked us to check.
* Garth’s other wing-back is of course Alexis Sanchez, but of course he doesn’t really want to talk about Alexis Sanchez:
‘In all my time in football, I don’t think I’ve seen a season like this at Arsenal. Fans arguing with each other over whether Arsene Wenger is fit to run the club, all because they think they are entitled to win the Premier League?’
No, no, no. There simply isn’t room to go into this here but no.
* Harry Kane is of course one of his strikers (alongside Romelu Lukaku) but Garth Crooks will hear no nonsense about him being world-class. Oh no.
‘I couldn’t believe the headlines granting the player world-class status after his four-goal blitz of Leicester City in midweek. What poppycock!
‘The 23-year-old definitely has the potential to be world class, of that I am in no doubt. But not yet.
‘Robert Lewandowski, Didier Drogba and Thomas Muller have all been, or are, world class but all won trophies to demonstrate the fact.’
Because team achievements are of course the only measure of individual brilliance. For example, Anderson >>>> Steven Gerrard because he has won four Premier League titles.
Pele famously said that Socrates “can play football backwards better than most can play facing forwards”, but Crooks knows better: After all, the chump didn’t really win a thing.
* Who could be manager of the season but Antonio Conte? He has surprised Garth…
‘I knew what Antonio Conte had achieved at Juventus, and I observed his antics on the touchline when managing the Italian national team, but I never took him that seriously. He hadn’t managed in the Premier League, that was why.
‘Unlike former Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti, or Manuel Pellegrini at Manchester City, both of whom had ploughed their way through an unrelenting campaign to win the Premier League title in their first seasons, Conte still had something to prove.’
Sorry, what? So you have cited two managers who won the Premier League at their first attempt but claim this as a reason not to take seriously a manager with three Serie A titles who was attempting to win the Premier League at his first attempt?
‘We don’t have winter breaks here where players disappear up into the mountains with their managers to opulent soccer retreats and bathe their weary legs for a month in preparation for the second half of the season. This the Premier League and Ancelotti and Pellegrini just about survived it with their reputations intact.
‘Their efforts put Conte’s spectacular Premier League debut campaign into perspective.’
Do they? So two other managers who have won the Premier League at the first attempt (Jose Mourinho did it too, by the way) have put Conte’s own identical achievement ‘into perspective’?
Mediawatch needs a lie-down and a long summer off Garth.